For the first time in a long time I’m near, not sure where or how far but I know I’m the nearest to you I have been in years.. as you lay next to him I can’t but help to toss and turn next to her wishing it were you. How I long to just find you knock on the door and take a midnight stroll.. nothing else nothing less nothing more I just want to see you. It’s killing men knowing I’m near you but no idea where you truly are.. I just want to see you.

I saw a look alike the other day, not your sister not you. But I saw her smile and it brought me to tears because your smile lights up my soul in a instance, makes me swoon in what feels consistent. I saw another look alike the day before and she had your eyes, the way the little bits of green peirced my soul, down to my toes. I was shocked. because I know there are no eyes like yours, nothing could compare to the gaze that took my breath away like yours did. Once I dreamt of a memory and I saw you, only it wasn’t you. It broke me to my core and my soul hit the floor. I woke up screaming and crying knowing I’ll probably never get a chance to see what once brought light into my life, nothing compares. the original, 1 of 1 not 1 of 2 not 1 of a few billion. You. I can’t lie to myself because I miss you. I still yearn for you. My soul thirsts to be intertwined with the original. To breath the same air, to hold onto that piercing glare, to soak in that smile that could have me run endless miles. But all I see is an after image. and the longer I sit and wait and wait in hopes to se my original you fade.

We went on another adventure last night. The kind you can remember and its permanence has its hold on you. I turn over to see her and think about the memories we’ve made and the. I compare the two. What had a stronger hold? Something a decade ago or something right in front of me.. am I fucked up for comparing the two? Or am I in a constant dreadful battle of trying to kill my past but find it I killable? Some nights I have these adventures hoping they can consume my reality and just live there with you. So I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of missing you. I wonder if you still have those same adventures of me and you? Do you still look at the moon every night and think we are watching the same thing? Do you ever wonder if we share the same adventures and dreams? Fuck I miss you. Fuck I hate this. Fuck I hate saying the word Fuck. Fuck it all and Fuck my heart for putting me through this torment any further. It truly feels like a nightmare when I’m awake because I only see you vividly in my dreams.

to my lil Miss where ever you are.

is it possible to even be “too late”? I ask this question daily when it comes to you. It’s been some time since we’ve last talked and still the memory of you always seems to come too late.

I was on a app/website that rhyme s with rose and remembered that you had an account. Although you haven’t posted in what seems forever a few years to be exact. I wanted to reminisce in what was our love and the pain we shared.

But to my surprise I saw something. A post gap between 2018 and last November.. around the time you got engaged..

I thought to myself if only I saw this sooner, if only I fought harder. But it was possibly.. too late. You see you’re married now with a very successful man. Although I want to fight him in the arena I’m glad it’s him. You see I stopped reaching out I stopped trying because I realized years ago in the summer of 20 that the words of you love someone let them go. And if is true they’ll come back to you.. maybe you possible were a little to late.. anyway to cut to my chase.. I hope your last post about dreams of pain and love and forever of me. Because car to often I’ve been dreaming of you. Longing in fact.. yet we both moved on.. but honestly sometimes I’ll look into her eyes and that’s where I find a glimpse of us.. I try to call for her touch but I’m always thinking of the way you are. I said I was fine and I even moved on, but I’m only here passing time in her arms.. in hopes to see what beauty you have..

To my for ever, my Bucc, my lil miss…

In heartbeat I’d drop everything to see you and hold you again. To love you forever and always.. I miss you so much.. always and forever “Mista J”