I swear I had the best intentions,

Sweet like honey in my head.

But all my witnesses keep turning up,

And when they do, they turn up dead.

I wish that I had less to say,

My mother had wished so too.

But how can I obey one rule,

Without saying what is true?

My mouth a cage,

My tongue a dog,

My larynx raged,

My cords they throbbed.

I loosed my beast into the ring,

Without a second thought.

I killed my mutt with lack of wit,

When it was that which should have fought.

If only I had kept my words,

Dormant and un-sung.

I should have left them hanging,

On the tip of my own tongue.

You were handsome then.

Curly black hair framed flawless skin

and straight teeth white in a smile

above spindly fingers probing the neck of your guitar, thrashing spider legs

crawling through my ears

plucking my emotions like flowers

cascading on a river bank

the soothing reverberations of your talent

enough to silence thoughts:

the improbability of greatness

in a person before me

a man with average abilities besides--

--or boy, as you were

with a future as bright as your eyes

skimming Glendora Mountain’s winding Road

your right hand bucking jerkily

on the shifter of your yellow ’82 VW bus

while your left rubbed your nose amid laughter.

Yes I like it you said

yes I do

and I laughed too

the crowing instigator of a new sensation for you

your partner in crime

who brought the coke and lined it

on a CD case

behind the grassy hillside.

I worried that I would dig deep and narrow

collapsing the walls on myself

I worried that I would develop an addiction

but I never worried about you.

Far more responsible than I

safe in the embrace of a loving, wealthy family

the doted upon only child

I envied

I never thought you would be the one

to trip and trip and never catch your step—

Because to me you were a mix of endearing idiosyncrasies

and intelligent conversations

jokes evolving faster than viruses

and your naivete— when it was still cute

an idealized version of you

causing most of your subsequent women to hate me

for having you in some innocent past before

Your womanizing began

Your irresponsibility began

Your callousness began

Where did it all begin?

As much as I paradoxically hope not to find the beginning

I follow the thread but skin has grown over

Barely, a delicate layer that is sliced from beneath as I

Exhume intact a trailing hair from our past

As much as I hope not to find it

in the end the root is clearly that twilight hour

driving down Glendora Mountain Road

high on your first addictive drug

that I supplied for you

And as much as you have forgiven me

by never blaming

and as much as bystanders advise

the pitfall was yours

a dully glowing pearl

waiting inside

for the right moment

that surely you would have found without me--

--As much as you are to blame

or maybe, in the intricacies of fate,

more

I should not have shown you

that first step

on a long and monotonous staircase

to the crystal ceiling

I lie here

And realize

That I am nothing

And no one

I don't matter

Not really

I could lie here

Until I died

And the world

Wouldn't slow down

Even a little

No one would miss me

For very long anyways

I'm just a thing

That moves

For a little while

But then doesn't

That's my life

In a nutshell

...Fuck that

I may be a thing

And maybe

I don't matter

To the big ol universe

But I matter to myself

To my present and future friends

To my present and future family

I can change my environment

I can change myself

And that's enough

To will myself to move

To explore

To learn

To experience

To love

And that makes me some thing

That wants to live

Wants to fight

I better get up

I've got shit to do