I'm a confused boy who desperately searches for what makes him happy to have a better understanding of myself and the people around me, I want to live in a space where everyone just gets it, there no fighting, just open flowing communication.

I truly have no clue as to what my beliefs or morals or even my sexuality are, they are such complicated things and I constantly am learning more about my own feelings and sometimes the shear uncertainty in my life about who I am can be tough to deal with because I can't really go to the people around me about these topics things would never be the same. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not but it dosent feel good, having to bite my tounge about things I feel so strongly about.

Now I'm an adult with freedom to do as I want and be with who I want and go where I want, nothing will hold me back. My dream will be a reality if I end working so much,on whatever it may be ill only have time to take a 2 hour nap in the car before tommorows work day, I am determined.

Without a shadow of a doubt, with the best of my abilities and knowledge, I will never be the oblivious one, never let anyone use me, blind me, hurt me like she did. I literally wouldn't be able to handle any more, from anyone.

The goals I put to mind are many and vary in size, I never appreciated vanity, material things, but I want money to be a non issue to do the things I want to for others, I had never put thought into what I'd buy with alot of money, the only thing to do is to spend it on the people around me and on things that with earn me more money. I also have smaller goals like, I really want to own a pet monkey, I think it would be an amazing, hilarious experience to live with a monkey.

The challenges I face lie in continuously making it though the days staying positive and talking with people. I must go though the steps now so that I can later find myself up the stairs.at the moment I need to survive while I get through school.

On the matter of my emotion, its hard to say really, id no longer call myself a pacifist, but I don't appreciate bloodthirst. At the same time I want to love someone but I also think a relationship wouldn't be a good idea, everything is up in the air in my head.

My mentality has changed so drastically in such a short time in ways I thought impossible,as a boy there was a few topics that were set in stone for me, I don't fight im a Christian and I'm straight. Now all that is out the window. The few things that told me where I sit in this world are no longer me. There was no way for me to see this last year coming, I've got an open mind going into the future knowing that I'll never be able to truly be prepared for what life throws at me in the years to come.

From all these thing my constants were the hardest to think about simply because there aren't many, the way I feel about my family has changed along with the way I think, and believe, and feel. I've even changed how I speak with others, the only thing that has stayed consistent is my interests, I've always liked anime, and music, I may not have known how interested I was in these things but they were always there.

The uncertainty I feel for myself is unreal, im unsure of who I am or who I want to be and where I'm going to go doing what exactly? Though I know In my heart that I have good intentions, all I really want to do Is take care of the people I care about. No matter what it takes. Which make me feel immoral because I wonder if I was in the moment whatever it may be what would I really do for the people I'm learning can't be trusted, no matter our blood. In short im not sure what to think of myself.

Just as you said I am molding myself, but I am unsure if i want to be a sword, axe, or hammer. My life is quite honestly, mostly a blank canvas, I don't really have a current identity all I know about myself is that I like music and I want to learn more about the world.

In the present moment I see myself as a project on paper nothing has been decided for sure because the arcitects constantly argue about the project, only coming to an agreement after much reaserch and thought, but they should know what they want to build and for some reason they dont.

They seem to come from nowhere, a dark place most people prefer not to acknowledge. That bad place in your mind where a voice tells you the most terrible things like "I could smash that assholes skull in with my fist fairly easily." Only to just as quickly question myself and my morals. I can't help it, it just happens. I hate myself for some of the things I've thought about. I'd like to think I'm a positive person, though the bad thoughts enter my mind like a leach or a tick that won't come off it occupies my focus and drains my energy. The thought that if it ever came to blows I may seriously hurt someone, and the guilt, the sorrow to come. Thinking as I write, that scares me. I'm not a violent person,i don't think. That evil voice telling me "he'll only hear me if I beat it into him." Just don't let others see it, it'll be fine. I'd never take its advice, even if some people deserve it.

The winter feast was imminent and spirits were high. Everyone was preparing the food and mead for the celebration.

I sat in the long house assisting my earl plan the details of an aliance with a neighboring lord to acquire more farming land for our clan, raven claw. "We will go and speak with lord reinar the day after the feast" said my earl, earl magnus.

The feast being the next day all was going well. In a flash the doors of our great hall swung open with the force of a bulls rush to see a distraught clans men, I jump to my feat. "WERE UNDER ATTACK." he bellowed.

My mind went blank I ran into action with only one thing on my mind, the protection of the people, the the cold air hit my face like tiny needles.In a full sprint I unhilted my axe, its blade shown bright in the winter sun with dried blood in its carvings from my past victories.

At the left flank of the settlement this, giant... troll beast was plowing through my clans mates. It was humanoid with a blocky head and baby blue skin, it had many icicles coming from its body. my mind quickly thought of an ice jotunn, I already hated the cold.

Its powerful arms swinging wildly, killing my clan almost Instantly. I thought as fast as I could and siezied a couple of lit torches from a nearby building and ran to the giants backside where a wagon filled with hay sat between us, its focus still on my poor brothers and sisters.

I ran and lept off the wagon simultaneously throwing my first torch into the hay, at almost the same time I gave off a battle cry "BY THE GODS YOU WILL DIE AT MY HAND!" I hurled the other torch at the frozen monsters face, blinding its sight and came down apon him with the power of Thor.

There was no blood when my axe cleaved the side of its neck, only a cold blast as if it's blood had been some kind of frozen gas, I knew that wasn't enough to conquer the troll of niflheim. With a hard downward push I put its face in the snow and retrieve my axe from its neck. I cleaved his right side once more. The blast felt like all the winter wind in one gust, so cold it burned, much more exposure would give me frostbite.

The beast regained its bearings and instinctively swung it's arm and hit me in the side, the pain in my kidney shot up my back like a spear. I feel to the ground and winced, I got up and refocused to find the jotunn on its feet and not in much pain.

I peaked behind it at the hay wagon, the fire wasn't big enough yet. Luckily the remainder of my clansmen had regrouped and surrounded it in a semicircle opposite from me with earl magnus at there side and weapons brandished. "DISTRACTION!" I ordered, the men quickly let out a grand battle cry and banged their weapons together, I started running around the confused ice monster frequently diverting to attack in the legs, sides, back, anywhere I viewed an opening.

The gusts of ice were unbearable, as if this, thing had a tundra inside of it. I was freezing on the outside but my blood was boiling. My sweat being frozen to my face. Finally the wagons fire was big and bright. I tackled it from the back and ran it into the big flower of destruction.

The fire in the snow felt strange, it didn't hurt just stung tho I knew I had to be extremely burned because the two of us went barreling into the flame. I was only barely able to reposition my hands to its sholders and kick off its back.

diving back into the snow, looking back at the now melting ice jotunn the sound it make resembled a crows screech as it went limp, the icicles melted and it's blue color faded into a light brown, then, turned to a black crisp under the heat. Knowing my newest victory had been seized, I let out one last cry with my axe held high, my clan joined me in my triumph.

I fell back into the snow and sat, out of breath and from the sudden exertion, ice could be seen on my face and and yet my blood still ran hot. Earl magnus approached me. "Your sly thinking has rescued my clan this day, it seems we now have two reasons to celebrate" he grinned at me. "Yes we do earl, for our clan has stolen victory from the enemy, our fallen brothers and sisters go to Valhalla tonight!" I lifted my fists in the air with axe in one. "VICTORY FOR THE RAVEN CLAW."