i used to be a peice of clay

i thought that i could move and shape

and make me into a masterpiece

take out some things

to lose a little weight

but right now i am motivated

a feeling that is new

filling up my stomach with decent thoughts and fruit

never again do i want to be

cold

dizzy

all that i will be

is free

I used to be confident.

I used to be able

I was proud of my work

Happy with my friends

Then It happened.

She came

I lost

A lot of people lost.

She made fun

She tore me up

Ripped me to shreds

Killed my passions.

After years of beatings

And being guilt tripped

Crying over my mistakes

Shrinking.

Years after

Hiding my dreams

Shielding the little I had left.

Trying to hold on.

I finally let go

Tried to fix myself.

I'm a little better now

I am almost back to normal.

But it is all coming back again.

Little by little.

Not by a ill fitted friend.

But by others.

I cannot leave

only endure.

And hope I make it

with everything I built intact.

It isn't fair

It isn't right.

Why do I have to go though It again.

But I learned.

I think I can make it

And keep my hopes

And keep my dreams

Maybe even make something of it.

I think I am tired,

But I can't be sure.

Those who know themselves are admired,

It's as if they have found the cure.

I certainly don't much about me,

But I'm starting to think that is okay

Without worrying about identity, I am free;

My turmoil and angst have gone away.

I'm a confused boy who desperately searches for what makes him happy to have a better understanding of myself and the people around me, I want to live in a space where everyone just gets it, there no fighting, just open flowing communication.

I truly have no clue as to what my beliefs or morals or even my sexuality are, they are such complicated things and I constantly am learning more about my own feelings and sometimes the shear uncertainty in my life about who I am can be tough to deal with because I can't really go to the people around me about these topics things would never be the same. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not but it dosent feel good, having to bite my tounge about things I feel so strongly about.

Now I'm an adult with freedom to do as I want and be with who I want and go where I want, nothing will hold me back. My dream will be a reality if I end working so much,on whatever it may be ill only have time to take a 2 hour nap in the car before tommorows work day, I am determined.

Without a shadow of a doubt, with the best of my abilities and knowledge, I will never be the oblivious one, never let anyone use me, blind me, hurt me like she did. I literally wouldn't be able to handle any more, from anyone.

The goals I put to mind are many and vary in size, I never appreciated vanity, material things, but I want money to be a non issue to do the things I want to for others, I had never put thought into what I'd buy with alot of money, the only thing to do is to spend it on the people around me and on things that with earn me more money. I also have smaller goals like, I really want to own a pet monkey, I think it would be an amazing, hilarious experience to live with a monkey.

The challenges I face lie in continuously making it though the days staying positive and talking with people. I must go though the steps now so that I can later find myself up the stairs.at the moment I need to survive while I get through school.

On the matter of my emotion, its hard to say really, id no longer call myself a pacifist, but I don't appreciate bloodthirst. At the same time I want to love someone but I also think a relationship wouldn't be a good idea, everything is up in the air in my head.

My mentality has changed so drastically in such a short time in ways I thought impossible,as a boy there was a few topics that were set in stone for me, I don't fight im a Christian and I'm straight. Now all that is out the window. The few things that told me where I sit in this world are no longer me. There was no way for me to see this last year coming, I've got an open mind going into the future knowing that I'll never be able to truly be prepared for what life throws at me in the years to come.

From all these thing my constants were the hardest to think about simply because there aren't many, the way I feel about my family has changed along with the way I think, and believe, and feel. I've even changed how I speak with others, the only thing that has stayed consistent is my interests, I've always liked anime, and music, I may not have known how interested I was in these things but they were always there.

The uncertainty I feel for myself is unreal, im unsure of who I am or who I want to be and where I'm going to go doing what exactly? Though I know In my heart that I have good intentions, all I really want to do Is take care of the people I care about. No matter what it takes. Which make me feel immoral because I wonder if I was in the moment whatever it may be what would I really do for the people I'm learning can't be trusted, no matter our blood. In short im not sure what to think of myself.

Just as you said I am molding myself, but I am unsure if i want to be a sword, axe, or hammer. My life is quite honestly, mostly a blank canvas, I don't really have a current identity all I know about myself is that I like music and I want to learn more about the world.

In the present moment I see myself as a project on paper nothing has been decided for sure because the arcitects constantly argue about the project, only coming to an agreement after much reaserch and thought, but they should know what they want to build and for some reason they dont.