I wanted to say I'm sorry

For my childish ways.

I know I hurt you too.

And I forgive you

For those things you did to me.

We are both just trying to change.

I'm just trying to grow up.

Today, we are not ready,

Perhaps tomorrow would be our day.

Tonight, let's just get our rest

And maybe someday things will change.

Was it worth it?

Moving me out and moving him in from out of state,

Was it worth it?

For that to also end abruptly and violently,

Was it worth it?

Tearing me down for him, only to have it fall back apart on you,

Was it worth it?

Was hurting me worth it?

Tell me please, it was worth it.

Because if it wasn't I don't think I can handle going through it again, with you.

That's my choice, isn't it?

But for some reason after all the chaos and fire I consumed myself with, I still want you back.

I am very very afraid that you will unblock me and talk to me once more.

I don't think I can resist your temptation.

Please don't hurt me again.

As a man who does not believe in a God, I pray to whatever higher being may exist out there.

Give me the strength to resist the temptations of the Devil.

To this day, I still want to talk to you. I do miss you very much. But I know you're happier now, happier than I have ever seen you, I can't be mad at that. A piece of me wants to be, but that isn't how we mature as people. It shouldn't be. I realize now that I cannot forever bask in what was the past, but I need to look forward. Life hasn't stopped moving for me all this time without you, I can no longer let myself be swallowed by what used to be and what will not be anymore. I must let you go.

I still haven't ate

Yet my soul feels ever consumed

By the void that swallows my sanity.

There is a darkness

Deep inside of me.

Too deep, I cannot dig to find.

Yet I scratch ever so desperately

At the wooden boards that trap my body.

For I've been buried alive.

There is no oxygen,

Yet my lungs still fill

With dreams, I've yet to see reality.

Ignorance is my only bliss.

For if I ignore these wooden boards

I may finally get some rest.

I wish oh so badly

To unblock you from my socials

And tell you about my day

Like the old times.

But I have to let you live

With the damage you did to me

Because if I dont

You'll never change

For him.

I look left

I look right

Which way should I go?

I turn around

Behind me stands nothing

A sheer cliff thats swallowed by the void

Do I head straight?

Should I travel Left?

Which way should I go?

I do not have my heading

Every step is a guess

Is this the right way?

I do not know.

What's best for me

Is to move on

From you.

It hurts me

These constant realizations

Of my failures

Of my promises.

Like a flood, I drown in your sovereignty.

Like an earthquake, your energy shakes my soul.

You leave me breathless and my head spins when I'm next to you.

As would a tornado.

A hurricane swept in destroying these walls, it was only your spoken mind.

Oh darling, how you bury my ego alive, such as an avalanche.

And how you humble me with your storm and loud crashes of lightning.

Your colors, beautiful as the Aurora, shine upon my darkened skies.

Oh, but how your solar flares eviscerate the very being of I.

I miss you, darling, and those holes I sank deep within.

But its how your heart erupts that hurts me the most.

Dear Ell-Ma,

Our love would never work

Because we are but disasters.

These 3 apps

I scroll through

At work, at home

All day long.

Do you

Like my character?

I've created him

Just for you

Dear Ell-Ma.

Its been seven weeks since we've parted ways; six weeks ago, my soul was confident.

But now it feels sorrow, now it feels loneliness.

I miss you, my beloved. I thought you were my home.

But I couldn't make you happy enough and I see now, my ways.

My true colors of black and dark purple.

These colors of neglect, these colors of loneliness.

You were nothing I appreciated, but only adored.

Its no wonder you chose different colors over mine, for mine only made you feel alone.

I love you, Ell-Ma.

I'm sorry.

You gave me so many chances..

I wish I felt this sooner.