An Honest Conversation
“Buuuuurp”
“Hey, uh--” the bald man in the black suit to my right looked nervous as I kicked my legs onto the oak table and leaned back into the leather executive chair, causing a couple of fast food wrappers falling to the floor, “Uh, ma’am--”
Another burp flew out of my mouth.
I think I’ve had enough beer for today.
I decided to put the alcoholic beverage away for good, down on the floor beside me. After pushing it an inch away for good measure, I looked up at the bald guy and asked: ” What?”
“Ma’am, the stream is about to go live soon.” He said.
I glanced at the half-dozen cameras and microphones around the brightly lit oval office, all pointed towards me, as well as the 60-inch flat-screen TV which displayed, among other things, a few rolling comments from the chatroom that had already came in, and said: “Yeah, you’ve been telling me that.”
“So do we have an itinerary?”
“Itinerary?” I asked, surprised, “What do you mean by itinerary?“
The bald guy sighed. “Any current issues you would like to address, policies you’d like to fix, opponents you’d like to disparage? A general plan for how things are going to go for the next 36 hours since you are going to be the acting President of the United States?”
I reached for the ostensibly purple bag of doritos and pulled it open with a pop. “A plan for how things are going to go?” I raised an eyebrow as I popped a triangular chip into my mouth, “The president is a public servant, and should do what the people tell them to do instead of the other way around. So how am I supposed to know what to do without listening to the people first?”
“But--”
“Shh,” I interrupted him, putting my purple bag of doritos aside for one second to look at the countdown on the screen in front of me, “the stream is about to start.”
The bald guy opened his mouth to say something. Then he closed it. And re-opened it. And closed it again. He repeated this routine for a good ten or so times before evidently deciding to shut it for good.
“Oh by the way,” I said, patting myself down and moving the fast food wrappers out of camera view--have to look good for the debut-- “what’s your name again? I can’t keep on referring to you as ‘the bald guy’ in my narrative.”
“Arnold.” He replied, taking out a handkerchief to dab at his increasing shiny forehead.
“Cool, thanks Arnold.”
“The pleasure is all mine, Ma’am.”
The left-hand side on the flat-screen TV blinked, signaling a countdown to the beginning of my 36 hours as the acting president of the United States of America. Comments started to flood the livestream, and a red number counted 5, 4, 3, 2, 1--
BlackAndProud: and what about the racist, sexist, homophobic police who have continued to preferentially target queer people of color?
MakeAmericaGr8Again: lol braindead libtards just love being brainwashed by the likes of THE LIBERAL MEDIA our president has done a lot for this country and you just can’t accept that lol
DannyG4Trump: @BlackAndProud Lol you just fucking hate america
MakeAmericaGr8Again: @DannyG4Trump what did you expect from someone named “BlackAndProud”? probably a landwhale living off of FREE MONEY from the likes of BIDEN.
SingleMom&Kids: @MakeAmericaGr8Again @DannG4Trump you two are ridiculous. Really shows the likes of Trump Supporters, eager to discount a system that has provided aid to millions of families in need.
SingleMom&Kids: But once again what did I expect from supporters of a lying, raping, ignorant narcissist who can’t be bothered to wear a mask?
TexasDad: LOL and Joe “Ukraine” Biden is better?
I cleared my throat.
“Hello.” I said, smile impeccable to the handful of cameras shining in my face.
The vicious comments came to a slow halt, before one asked:
PinkPanther: Who the hell are you? Why are you in the oval office?
“I will be the acting president of the United States of America for the next 36 hours, chosen using a random number generator.” I replied as PinkPanther’s comment disappeared into an explosion of others just like it, “The event was posted in the White House’s press release last week, but I guess since everyone was focused on yet another controversial statement made by President Trump, no one read it. Don’t feel bad, neither did I.”
PinkPanther: Great, more liberals.
BlackAndProud: wow way to be racist @PinkPanther, just bc she’s a woc doesn’t mean she’s a democrat.
BlackAndProud: ofc i’m hoping she’s not a republican either.
“I am neither Democrat nor Republican since technically, I can’t vote in this country.” I said, “To be honest, I’m sure just about everyone in this chat is more qualified than I am.
The comments fall silent. Beside me, Arnold begins to dab at his forehead again. A little tense beneath the rolling cameras, the blazing lights, and the millions of pairs of eyes staring at me virtually. I continue:
“Which is why I’m going to leave the decision-making to you guys.”
“In the next 36 hours, the chat will be split into several rooms.” I said, “Each room will discuss a different political topic, all of which should be shown on the screen right now.”
The topics blink on:
Economy
Health care
Coronavirus
Foreign Policy & Immigration
Ethnic and Racial Inequality
Environmental Policy & Climate Change
Crime & Gun Policy
“Please feel free to discuss your opinions, research, and personal experience regarding policies relating to each of the topics in its respective chat room. Before you do, though, there are several rules that every participant must follow:”
“First, no remarks shall be made about the person behind the words. That means no calling people ‘libtards’, ‘land-whales’, ‘racists‘, ‘dumb Trump supporters’, or the like. Keep all comments directed to the arguments being made, not to your fellow people.”
“Second, back up your opinions. If you think our current president is terrible, great. If you think he is the best we’ve ever had, we welcome you. But those opinions by themselves are not productive or useful, so please back them up with reasons, sources, and personal experiences. And if there’s contention about any of their validity, expect pushback from others.”
“Third, keep it relevant. Yes, the sky is blue, but that does not help us in any way, shape, or form. This is a casual meeting, but try to focus it on one thing at a time and keep it related. Oh, and comments about other people’s personal lives are considered irrelevant, also.”
“Fourth, be respectful of others’ opinions. Everyone will have the chance to share their piece, and if people don’t agree with your idea of what a policy should be, don’t get defensive. Your opinion matters, and while the ultimate goal is to get everyone to agree, we can’t please everyone. And that’s okay.”
“Finally--and this is not so much a rule as it is advice--please keep an open eye and an open mind. America is your country, and these people are your fellow patriots. Don’t try to one-up each other here because it does nothing for you, not even internet points. Instead, try to understand and see things from a different perspective. That will open your eyes to new horizons, and give you a more diverse look at our country.”
“Each chat room will have a team of moderators,” I said, “one-third of which are Democrat, one-third Republican, and one-third Independent, who are responsible for monitoring adherence to the rules and recording all suggestions made.”
“They will report your opinions to me, and I will get them to good Arnold here” I pointed to Arnold, who sheepishly grinned and bowed to the cameras, “when I receive them. Then he will be responsible for getting them done without any politicians’ interference.”
The chat log is still too silent, eerily so. For a second, I wonder if what I just said is the right way to go about this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Maybe I should have come prepared with some policies to talk about, after all.
But then I thought:
“No one elected me here. So what gives me the right to make my opinions superior to other people’s?”
“What’s the worst that could come of an honest conversation?”
The screen’s right side blinks, signalling that the chat rooms for the different topics are now ready to take in millions of participants. I take a deep breath, and announce:
“You guys can start talking now.”
[TO BE CONTINUED]