When I was a wee lass, about eleven, my entire sixth grade class went on a field trip to this theme park called Fun World. I know, I know. Such an original name. And generic as the name was, you’d expect the rides to match. They...did for the most part, the only exception being the focal point—a behemoth rollercoaster known as Crow’s Landing. Crow’s Landing was a rickety contraption that ascended seemingly thousands of feet into the sky. Then would come the drop, a 90+ mile an hour experience. Twists, turns, loops. It was so fast you’d feel the skin on your face threatening to peel off the bone. I went on with a couple of classmates, not my closest friends. The staple ‘mean girls’ found their way aboard. The shy geeky kid. Well, I was there, so the second shy geeky kid. We loaded into the cars, nothing in common, silently keeping to ourselves. Let’s just say by the time we unloaded, we were all best friends. The illusion of impending, agonizing doom has a way of spurring folks to set their initial differences aside. One ‘mean girl’ was even hugging the geeky boy next to her. At the time, it was probably the best day of his life.

You’d be amazed how close the political arena is to a middle school hierarchy. You have the cliques, the populars, the underdogs, the geeks, et cetera. I’d know this, as I am now the president of this here United States. My PR people have me constantly livestreaming to show the citizens how down to earth I am. Because of this, a recent poll found me ‘hashtag relatable’. It may sound like I’m riffing on this, and—well—but overall I’m cool with it. It doesn’t offend me that the American folks are so engaged. If they want to watch my political affairs unfold, who am I to say they can’t. They elected me.

My PR peeps have been livestreaming meetings lately, with diplomats from far and wide. But diplomacy is on the wane, so rather than one-on-one, I’ve arranged for a meeting with about twenty big names. Time is running out to negotiate peace. Still. I have a plan.

My wonderful VP has somehow managed to convince them to meet me at Fun World. When we get there, Crow’s Landing will be waiting. Hehehe...

I remember how as an eleven-year-old my parents would have the news on all our TVs seemingly 24/7. It was noise, if nothing else. A sound machine to kill the silence. Somewhere along the way I started listening. My brain picked up on more than I expected. After my brush with mortality on the coaster, I recall thinking “Woah, if all those world leaders would just ride on one of these things, there would be world peace in a day.” Differences would dissolve right quick. And yeah, it’s a weird means to put things in perspective. But whatever works, right?

The morning of the meetup, I advised the diplomats not to eat before they came. I wanted to disarm them of their pride, but us barfing all over each other would be a little too disarming, if you catch my drift. Strange thing about pride, a lot of these people kinda’ snubbed the Crow’s Landing idea at first; but when apprehension about the coaster spread, all it took was one piping up. “I’m braver than you.” Not to be outdone, the next diplomat stepped forward, then the next. Cowardice was not an option, lest they risk bringing shame to their nations. The livestreams were set up at every turnpoint. It became a test of endurance.

The coaster car began its crawl, creeping forward in leisurely stride. It’s not gonna’ be so bad, was their general consensus. But I knew. As a veteran coaster frequenter, I was well aware what we were in for.

First second over the hill, the plummet began. We caught air, and a cacophony of screams went up. All these suited and gowned individuals now shrieked for their lives. My inner eleven-year-old howled with joy. Wow, this thing was even funner than I remembered.

We braved the twists, the turns, the loops. And by the time it was all over, I was pleased to find a deja vu of sixth grade. A few diplomats hugged each other for dear life—the same few that had previously held contention. What I saw was no longer a room full of uncooperative, stiff-expressioned individuals, rather a collection of opposing nationalities, embracing, gasping, recovering, laughing, and setting everything aside to bask in a shared humanity. Some even wept with relief that it was over and they were still in one piece.

The meeting ended a relative success. A few possibilities for treaties floated around. And everyone was a bit warmer towards each other. Though they’d probably never admit it, I think the majority—if not all—had fun.

...

I was impeached shortly after.

Worth it.

#fiction

My fellow Americans - as your emergency Commander in Chief I will do as much as one person possibly can over the next 36 hours to address the most immediate concerns of our country. Every 3 hours I will provide a summarizing tweet on my actions and you can watch live on C-SPAN.

@hypervoter2020 It takes at least an hour just to cram complex policy into 280 characters, so yes - one tweet every 3 hours.

@247grammarnazi Feel free to point out typos as you see necessary.

@sk8trl4d I disagree, I find watching our democratic republic in action riveting entertainment.

HOUR 3: ALL states must adopt & ENFORCE public mask policies or lose Federal relief funds until 90% of the population is vaccinated. The Dept. of Education has guidelines for schools including when they should re-open. Includes emergency funds for school safety protocols.

@maskedhero7 I’m glad you’ve been doing it the whole time, your country thanks you.

@asthmatic53 Please see the CDC taskforce’s weekly announcement on the success & safety of masks as confirmed worldwide and refer to their extensive online guidelines, updated daily as actual science happens.

@influencer99 That is a creative way to wear them, but I would encourage you to follow the CDC guidelines for sanitation as well.

HOUR 6: We are joining COVAX to ensure every country receives vaccines for at least 3% of their population initially, building to 20% of their population as quickly as possible. We are also working with the WHO/Gavi for best practices on testing, tracing protocols, & treatment.

@secretasianman777 Yes, we are very late to this party since COVAX has been operating since April and we’ve already made commitments to vaccine distributors. We are working to ensure equal consideration / funding will be made available to other nations.

@libertarianlibrarian0 We will continue to procure vaccines for Americans; this initiative does not slow this effort, it only contributes to global initiatives as we recognize that vaccine nationalism sets a dangerous tone for global pandemic response.

@flatearther4 No, COVAX is not a Communist vaccination cult. Vaccines are safe. I’m going to link to the CDC’s website again here along with a fifth grade online health textbook, please refer to these.

HOUR 9: Violence from white supremacists now threatens us more than jihadi’s as the key ideology of terror. We have redirected resources accordingly. The Dept.’s of Justice, Homeland Security, & ATF will work to arrest/actively monitor members of right-wing militia groups.

@proudpapa1 Sorry - it’s not “stand by”, it’s “hands up” - but I’m sure our officers will exercise restraint when making their arrests.

@gopordie44 All three dept.’s did look at Antifa and determined it does not pose a significant threat. Months ago. Please go try some new sources of real news and perhaps look up the definition of “false equivalence”.

@floridag8tr Ma’am, thank you, but I don’t need your first born.

HOUR 12: Link to new Federal policing guidelines by reorg. public commission which all states are asked to implement. I asked Congress for Federal funding to states which accept these to help cover costs associated. Per guidelines current police union contracts must be redone.

@leftbrain9 That’s not a very nice thing to say about your elected representatives, now.

@rhonda64 No, this actually provides funding towards police training and oversight - that would be the opposite of “de” funding them.

@acab92 Under the guidelines police unions must be re-organized as “minority” unions allowing dissenting voices within the police to negotiate separately, with all contracts made public for greater oversight by voters. We will empower good cops over bad ones.

HOUR 15: New bill signed for $25 billion to Small Business Administration to directly supply GRANTS - not loans - to small businesses during the pandemic for ANY operational costs, not just PPP. PPP forgiveness guidelines revised.

@teapartyfor2 The newly suggested bill taxing the $14 - 24 billion in fees banks made administering PPP loans should help cover the costs of this program.

@frequentflier12 I will veto further bailout bills until Congress revises them so a greater % of funds (preferably 100) come from low interest, repayable loans. Grants shouldn’t be a first resort - we’ve kept interest rates low, big business can afford to pay them. Small ones shouldn’t have to.

@minibookmonger I know the SBA isn’t perfect, but at least they’re not Wells Fargo.

@247grammarnazi I’m sorry my participle was dangling.

HOUR 18: All court cases against the Affordable Care Act are now dropped. We are backing a new bill in Congress to expand Medicare/Medicaid coverage for all Americans, particularly those who have lost healthcare coverage due to COVID. Includes free COVID care for all, no co-pays.

@nursejoy22 Yes, healthcare worker additional compensation and tax breaks are included - you deserve it.

@roy28dare No, we are not dismantling private health insurance at this time. We’re simply extending public health care options for those without access to affordable private plans.

@europeanlights9 I know we are the only developed country without universal healthcare but we’re also one of the only developed countries whose educational funding is based on property taxes/geographical wealth - so we’re a little slow.

HOUR 21: We stopped all actions against TikTok. I don’t know why this merits a tweet, I was told people cared. We do not set precedent for government-levied takeover of foreign companies - we actually complained about that a while back, we are not opening that Pandora’s box.

@gimmegimmedance OK that was a bigger reaction than the healthcare tweet, I admit I’m a little disappointed.

@capitafist3 Honestly the world’s second largest economy right now is Socialist, so I feel free market Capitalism is already whacked.

@flatearther4 No, TikTok is not hijacking your phone to film you while you sleep. Honestly if the Chinese wanted your data they could get it so many other ways, there’s a cyber attack est. every 39 seconds. Sorry if I just made things worse.

HOUR 24: The FCC has re-enacted net neutrality, if you didn’t notice it was gone.

@wifi51 Well, at least you noticed, thanks for the support.

HOUR 27: We have rejoined the Paris Accord and committed to reducing our carbon emissions as a country by 35% by 2035. We’ll be making up lost time by reestablishing environmental policies removed by the prior administration as well as incentivizing states to adopt clean energy.

@coalminer49er Part of our incentives packages will include retraining funds for states with dislocated workers, helping them find new jobs in clean energy initiatives.

@misspiggy6 No, we are not banning hamburgers, we’re investing in methane capture technologies which will provide farmers grants towards converting their pastures into energy-producing side gigs.

@247grammarnazi Could I get some help in here?

HOUR 30: I proposed a new tax code which establishes a fixed, progressive Fed income tax rate for all Americans. The IRS will auto file your taxes for you with info already collected, and a postcard will be mailed to you to simply verify all info as correct. Just sign & return.

@hipRgranny I couldn’t honestly tell you why we haven’t done this already.

@accountantjim3 I’m sorry, but really - do you enjoy preparing taxes? I can ask for an addendum to provide retraining funds similar to the clean energy initiatives if you feel you need extra work. The IRS is hiring.

@menlennial69 How did you even claim that as a tax deduction to begin with? I don’t think you’re helping your case here.

HOUR 33: Our new budget increases K-12 education funding 150%, aimed mainly at low income schools. Tuition at state colleges receiving Fed funds must be capped, & college waivers made available to low-opportunity students as well as in grads in demand careers like healthcare.

@sassyteach84 Low income schools will be identified as those with disproportionate funding due to lower property taxes or other income in their area, and Fed funding will make up the gap. New teacher training initiatives are also re-established after being cut by the previous administration.

@steelydam2 I’m pretty sure simply reading the responses to this tweet explains why investing in education is so necessary.

@billyis5 No, we will not pay robots to do your homework for you.

HOUR 36: 36 hours ago I invoked the DPA to force tech companies to create a secure way to vote online. Backed by testing/oversight of the FBI & Pentagon every American will be sent login instructions. You can view & track your vote, which will be printed at your election office.

@patriotpam63 Further details will be sent to your address of record for your voter registration, either by mail, email, or over the phone. State election officials will ensure every registered voter acknowledges these instructions.

@ballotboxer4 Local polls will be opened for online access to those who need it. The printed copy will be made available for review upon request after submission.

@datguy42 No, I am not on the ballot. There is no way I would lead you people - you vote like it’s American Idol & one celeb can fix all your problems while you ignore the 435 other elected idiots who make our laws. +You’re too busy to research & have truly informed opinions. POTUS out!

They sat me in a room with a computer, at least six dozen cameras, and seven different suits to choose from. I had five minutes to prepare, and rather than use those five minutes to suit up, primp and preen myself for my appearance in front of the American people, I instead chose to sit and stare at the computer, slack jawed.

How in God's name did I get into this? I'm a fresh graduate of high school, barely old enough to vote. Whose wise-ass idea was it to put me in charge?

Then the cameras whirr and turn on. I'm live, in my t-shirt and jeans. Some of the staff gasp. I don't care.

I'm president for thirty-six hours. No potty breaks. No sleeping. No nothing. So you know what? I'm not going to play by the rules. I don't even want to be here. So I'm not going to be their Barbie doll. I'm not going to dress like them and talk like them with big promises, lofty goals, and silk suits.

I'm going to be me.

"Cameras are rolling, sir," says an old man in a navy blue suit, his pallid skin glistening with sweat. I can't see his eyes behind his thick black shades, but it doesn't matter. I can easily visualize how hard it is for this golden-years gentleman to call an eighteen-year-old child "sir."

"I can see that..." I read his name tag. "... Francis."

I wiggle my eyebrows at his stupidly old-fashioned name and turn back to my computer.

"Hello, great and not-so-great citizens of America! It is I, Kaz Miller, the teenager who is, for the next 36 hours, in charge of your lives!"

Behind me, one of the secret service dudes winces.

"This is bad," he says.

"Hey," another guy says. "Anything is better than the last bastard."

"If any of you think this is a terrible idea," I continue. "You're absolutely right! I had no say in this. A bunch of dudes in fancy-ass suits showed up at my house and flew me here on a helicopter. So, people of the U.S., brace yourselves. Because I won't sugarcoat. I won't fuck around. I'm here to tell you that We The People are failing. We are failing our brothers and siste— Hold up, gotta check my Twitter."

I imagine crappy edited-in laughter like in a sitcom.

"Well," I say. "Louzer666 wants to know... 'wut iz ur opinion on china???"

"Gotta say, man. Don't know who your English teacher was, but she is rolling in her grave. As for China... never been, so I'm not at liberty to say."

Cue more imagined sitcom laughter.

"Liza Greene wants to know— no irony here— about what I plan to do about the environmental impact. Well, Liza, I'm only going to be in here 36 hours, but if I could, I would definitely put some more restrictions in place. I like animals more than people, know what I'm saying?"

"And... Younisse_uh_the_Unicxrn wants to know... 'This is Younisse Unicorn in Connecticut, what the hell is going on, man?' Well, Mr. Unicorn, I have no fucking clue."

"Wyatt_Wrong says 'your tie is lame buddy.' Jokes on you, Mr. Wrong, because I'm not wearing a tie.

And so the first day went.

After the first 24 hours of no sleep, Secret Service Francis brought me a plate full of steak, which I refused.

"I'm a vegetarian," I say. "No meat." Am I a vegetarian? No way. I'm just being a dick.

"Alrighty folks," I say, shoveling in mouthfuls of quinoa salad. "I'm going to check my messages again, and— oh wow! People got lots o' shit to talk about.

Mary_Sue_Ellen_Hill wants to know if I'm single and ready to mingle, becaus ethere are sexy European— um... yeah, that's a spam message. Hmm, how about Traitor_Joes. He wants to know what my opinion is on gays.

So now we get to the juicy stuff. Well, Traitor, I think gay people are human just like everyone else. And since I'm a cis white guy, I don't really know about all the other sexualities and genders and stuff, but I'm cool with them too.

Gentle_In_Me says 'Kaz, I'm trying to be a writer, could you give me a shoutout? Well, I guess I just did! Re-Hymen-Ated (now that's a weird name) wants to know—" I shove another bite of quinoa into my mouth. A guy's gotta eat.

"She says, and I quote 'Are you single and ready to—' ah, another spam. Pity. Hey guys, if you're watching out there, send me in your comments! I've got nothing better to do!

25 hours and counting left.

"Well," I say. "I've got a little more than a day left here in the White House, and I want to say, if I were actually president, I'm going to ban spammers who say 'Are you single and ready to mingle?' Have some originality! Anyway, Xx.yung.xX wants to know "Do you believe in god?'

"Well, in short, no. But in long... maybe. We'll just have to see."

"Kandy_Kayne: 'Do you believe in religious tolerance?' Well, I believe in tolerance. If you're tolerant, I don't care what else you do. That's your business, not mine or the government's."

"Well folks, we're coming up on the last few minutes of my presidency. I want everyone to know that if I didn't get to your comment, it's my bad. Ooh! One last one before we close off. Hungry_Hungry_Heckos wants to know, 'What's 2 + 2?' Oh honey, two plus two is just one of those questions we might never get a straight answer to."

"And that's a wrap, folks! If you hear from me again, it will be as a regular commoner!"

The cameras power down, the rows of unused suits are packed away. I finish my quinoa salad in blessed silence, and then I fall asleep. When I wake up, to my surprise, I'm face to face with Francis the Secret Service Old Guy.

"Well, sir, congratulations."

"Ug... whug?" I groan, still convinced I'm dreaming.

"You were a big hit."

"Doesn't matter," I say, standing up and stretching. "I'm done with that now."

"Well that's just the thing, sir..."

"What?"

"Well, if we can call the last three days your first term... You've been elected for a second term."

My mind felt numb, sorting through the nonstop jarring questions popping on my blue screen, while also fixing tons of broken policies sitting in my temporary office, which had been left unopened or unanswered for decades by the prior elected liar politicians. 

I felt like a police dog that sniffed through contraband looking for illegal drugs—I skimmed through the listing, trying to prioritize urgent policies. I solved a lot and answered many questions. Yet, the list was endless with the constant disruption from the ghost of unsatisfied audiences behind the big black box.

I wondered if officials have good reasons to lie and ignore people’s needs or questions completely, because most of the questions I’d gotten were obnoxiously crazy and weird.

In every ticking moment, the pressure was mounting— there wasn’t enough time for solving everyone’s issues. My blood was brewing more than usual. In between, I only tried giving my tired mind and eyes a break. I went and stood by the window and gazed at the beauty of nature outside, sipping the cold cup of coffee that’d been sitting on my desk for hours or maybe days. At least the aroma kept me awake for a few hours more before I finished with my duty. 

Being awake for thirty-six hours straight could blind your mind or senses, but I’m glad I am not doing this forever. I never wish a politician’s responsibility even for my worst foes. 

On the last day in the cold office, as it started getting darker, and the clear glass windows stoppered emitting sunlight, I pulled down the curtains and put the pen on the empty office desk and left running out like a mad man, before even turning off the lights.

The live stream had started and all I could think was I wish I had chosen a better chair. I’m not particularly gifted in public speaking nor any subject matter related to politics. Yet, here I am sitting behind the desk in the president’s oval office looking on at the only iPhone camera propped up by a tripod. The only thing keeping me company are the comments flooding my computer screen telling me that people are actually deciding to watch this dumb idea of a campaign ad. It’s surprising that the government trusts me enough not to have some kind of secretary in the room, even though I can see their shadows reaching out from underneath the door. I count the cameras about the room. 1, the camera on my computer. 2, the iPhone camera. 3, the paperweight on the far corner of the desk. I spin my chair around facing the windows that look out onto the green lawn. 4, the end of the curtain rod. 5, 6, 7- I would surely lose count if I continued.

I don’t know why, but whenever I imagined being in the President's office, it definitely wasn’t this quiet. I see why some government officials go insane. If you had nothing but the constant stream of your own thoughts to listen to, I might go insane as well.

I toss a leg onto the desk and then the other, one of my shoes landing atop a tea-colored paper. Grabbing the laptop, the charger unplugs and drags across the floor beside the wheels of my chair. I place it on my lap, watching as the comments continue to rise up and disappear past the view of the screen.

I smile with the thought of an idea. I turn my gaze towards the camera, a smirk spreading across my face. Surely, the president has one.

“Alexa play Despacito.” Silence followed my first words on live. But within seconds I heard the ever so non-robotic robot voice echo through the chamber.

”Playing Despacito by Daddy Yankee and Luis Fonsi.”

36 hours. I had 35 hours and 53 minutes to do whatever I pleased with this government. I’m not particularly gifted in the art of public speaking nor am I knowledgable in anything at all related to politics. Which is why I decided to ask the my 132 million viewers what I should do first.

In the beginning it was controversial laws like Gun Control and Right to Life but as those laws were fixed with a few swift signatures and strike-throughs, the requests slowly became less government related. Which was a relief on my part.

I felt I had done it all. I had only 5 hours and I felt as if I had done it all. Per requests, I’d danced without pants, I’d read an entire chapter of what was considered the most boring book ever written. I had even been asked to tattoo a meme onto my stomach, I agreed as long as I could choose the meme. I’d learned to juggle, crotchet, and even learned a few card tricks. I’d watched the first five episodes of The Office, the first three episodes of Naruto, and even Titanic. I recreated scenes from Jurassic Park, Star Wars, and Matrix.

I’d sung karaoke for an hour an a half and now all I could do was play Despacito on repeat. I was tired and my blatter was in pain. Thank god for diapers.

I wasn’t allowed to sleep, I’d found that out when they splashed me with a bucket of ice water when I started snoring halfway through The Notebook.

3 minutes. I felt I had done all that could have been asked of me. Everything was in pain. My arms from the constant tatooing, my back from being shot with a paintball gun, my legs from doing a wall sit throughout the entirety of Fifty Shades of Gray, my shins from attempting to break baseball bats, my hands from making a life-size ceramic recreation of Donald Trump’s face, and the list went on.

30 seconds. People still were watching. Were they satisfied? Their requests still came in a lightning speed.

10 seconds. I was never particulary gifted in the art of public speaking nor knowledgable in anything related to the government.

6 seconds. Yet I can still say that for 36 hours of my life I was the President of the United States.

Okay. Okay, I got this. 20 cans of Red Bull, 10 cans of Monster, a bunch of supplements that I’m not quite sure has any effect whatsoever, and a livestream chat that I have to respond to, or else. Great.

Deep breath in, and begin.

“Ladies and gentlemen, and any other gender whose political correct term I do not know so I will not say in this stream for fear of being bashed, I would like to begin my 36 hours of Presidency with these words, which I hope you will engrave into your heart: I did not ask for this. I do not know whose idea it was to have a random nobody be President for 36 hours, nor do I know who said it was a great idea to have said President become sleep deprived. Perhaps it was a ploy to gain the population’s sympathy for the government, perhaps this farce was created with the thought that it can’t get any worse than this.

I hate to break it to everyone, but it can. And it may. So I sincerely hope that, if any of you viewers have an ounce of love left for this country, please, please, think before you comment.

Now, before we start, there are a few things I want to make sure you viewers understand about the authority of the President.

First off, policies. There is a concept known as the balance of power, which means that, contrary to popular belief, whatever the President says DOES NOT become the law.

Any changes to policies I make as President must go through a number of people whose hobbies I sincerely believe to be wasting everyone’s time through endless, fruitless debates.

However, as this is a livestream, everyone of you will be able to participate in the creation of the changes I will propose through a poll. Those for, press yes, those against press no. Simple, right?

Taking into account the fact that I cannot sleep for 36 hours, it’s without a doubt that my thinking processes will decline. As such, the poll sysytem is a backup plan in which you viewers can help make a change and put your desired effects forward. Therefore, any decisions that will be made regarding America’s current policies will be entirely on you viewers.

Now, let’s begin shall we?”

36 hours later, I sat satisfied on my living room couch. Like I said on the Presidential live stream, I do not know whose idea it was to have a random ordinary person be President. Perhaps the situation has gone so downhill that the government was desperate enough to have one of the nation’s citizens, a person they are supposed to protect, beome a scapegoat for the declining state of America.

But, I thought, as I scrolled down on the trending news on Twitter, the joke’s on them. I did say that all my decisions as President will be on the viewers didn’t I? It’s the entire reason I acted delirious on screen, so that I wouldn’t be blamed entirely for anything I did during that time.

RECENT NEWS:

On the recent Presidential livestream, viewers who have voted against women’s abortion rights have been identified by an unknown hacker, and their houses vandalized. Several of the car malfunctions that have lead to the driver’s deaths may be tied to their choices in the poll. The once peaceful protests for climate change have now become violent, as the protesters can be seen causing property damage to those voters they have identified.

Yeah, the joke’s on them.

No one told me that my job performance was going to be live-streamed – good thing I believe in transparency! No tricks up my sleeve, no photo-shop touchups, no alternative facts, no revisionist history - what you see is what you see. And even in this Zoom-based reality, I will always wear pants. America didn’t elect half a president! I will stand proudly by the desk used so well by President Harris, and mark the official start of each day with the pledge. Finally, after too many years of slavery, Jim Crow, and systemic racism, I can say “And Justice For All.”

“A man must dress the part. First and foremost, that’s where it starts. That’s what my advisors have told me. Look at me--coutured bespokenly to instill confidence in my nation and the world. That’s what my constituents have told me. Note the color schemes, variegated just so, in synchrony with my bravado, confidence, and intrinsic worth. That’s what my staff have told me. As I move, notice the fall of the material with each step, portending well for progressive accomplishments coming your way soon. That’s what the pundits--the truthful ones--have told me. It’s me, after all.

“Anyone can dress like me. So, be like me. It’s very easy. You have to commit to assuming a new persona based on a new wardrobe that speaks for you. Did you happen to notice mine? Everyone--I mean everyone--has told me it indeed speaks for me. Does it speak to you? I know it has garnered for me the accolades--well deserved...well deserved. I hope all of you can see this right now. Streaming your way. You will see the naked truth. Here I am. Magnificent, aren't I? That’s what my voters have told me.”

THE ABOVE HAS BEEN REMOVED FOR VIOLATING THE STREAMING TERMS OF SERVICE, WHICH FORBIDS NUDITY IN LIVE STREAMS.

When the Powers that Be descended from the heavens and declared a random candidate be made President of the United States for a day, the people of the system knew exactly how to follow the letter of the law without giving anything up, without sullying their power.

It happened on an ordinary day, but no one really knew what it was that had happened, because politicians have a way of making everything like that. In the end, the public voice must have decided it was the President’s way of making a good image of himself, of saying, "Look at me, I’m so great, I know I’m not perfect so I proved it to you, see, I can let other people take control, I’m not a power-hungry monster at all, look how admirable I really am."

I think he even convinced himself of it. He was never very smart.

But there are a lot of people in the system who know how the system works, and they like to play it, because the system’s not very good. It allows itself to be played quite easily. It likes being played.

So they picked a random Canadian without any power, without any knowledge of US politics beyond the most rudimentary surface facts, without any idea of how to play the system, and with no desire to cause trouble. What I’m saying is, they picked me.

They also told me I couldn’t sleep for the thirty-six hours, so they definitely didn’t expect me to be able to get anything done. And my time would all be taken up answering questions on the livestream. So definitely no getting things done. But that’s what being President of the United States is anyway, right? Making an image for yourself, and not actually doing a whole lot. Unless you’re the kind who’s constantly on the brink of starting World War III.

Of course, I also happened to be starting my period that day. It really wasn’t my day.

So there I was, picked up and carried off to the States in an airplane without any say in the matter, which definitely seems illegal. I was joking about the whole heavenly powers thing, but there was definitely something weird going on. Maybe they were being blackmailed by aliens. Maybe a magical fungus had gotten into their brains. But I didn’t really feel like putting up a fuss that day (actually, I didn’t feel like doing anything other than lying around on the couch and possibly sleeping), so I didn’t bother fighting it.

When I got there I tried to find out how to actually carry out policy changes, but no one would tell me. All they did was give me coffee and show me the computer, where I could answer questions on the livestream. I hate coffee.

So people were asking me about what I was doing, while I tried to explain that I couldn’t do anything because I didn’t know how anything worked. There were also a lot of people who were all upset that I was Canadian, and I have no idea why that was their biggest problem with the whole thing, but then again I’ve never understood patriotism.

So I just started telling them all the things I wanted to do, like dismantle capitalism, and protect human rights, and defund the police, and make environmental regulations, especially on big companies, and instate gun control, and remove women’s body control, and also get rid of the government altogether and split the country into very small, self-sustaining and egalitarian societies without any hierarchies or ecological footprints. Because that was just about as doable for me right then than making the smallest, simplest little change.

And then as the day went on, and I was dying of exhaustion and my cramps had kicked in, I started ignoring the livestream altogether and just eating all the food they had given me, and asking for more, because when you can’t actually make any changes, you might as well take advantage of the free food.

So if someone ever offers you the position of President for a day, remember it’s a scam. But you will get free food.

It is time to answer everybody's damn questions about the state of the planet. I drink an entire bottle of wine and poured myself some bourbon, just out of the camera's view of course.

God forbid I look even remotely unprofessional after this clown has been in office for so damn long...Here we go...

I look at the time and realize that I will be here for exactly 36 hours, and then, although people will want me to stay longer, I will have to leave, disappointing countless citizens by not answering their extremely timely, urgent, and important questions. As I'm joining the live stream, I take another sip of bourbon, downing it quickly so that no one notices before my face appears on the screen.

I'm going to need it.

I began looking at my tasks for the day: Fix climate change by making electric vehicles cheaper, make sure people wear masks because we are in a pandemic, demilitarize the police and make sure cops don't shoot black folks for absolutely no reason, and then there is the matter of Roe vs. Wade...

I put my head into my hands.

This was far too much to ask of any human being, and in 36 hours, no less.

I realize that, as usual, I have been assigned an impossible task and will simply have to carry on with it, try to address these issues, and, most likely, fail.

A comment pops up on my screen. It's from Melissa in Seattle.

"Will women have the right to an abortion?"

I respond, "I will do everything in my power to make sure that that is the case."

"Yes, but will it actually be the case?"

"Sure," I type back, exasperated.

I have fifty to get through and they keep coming: "When will you start addressing climate change? This is an emergency!" "How long will this pandemic last, exactly?" "What will you do to better the economy?"

I sigh and began answering one at a time.

"I'm working on an initiative that will make electric vehicles more affordable," "I don't know how long it will last but I will focus my efforts on improving your access to medical resources and enforcing stringent safety guidelines."

There is someone disappointed with every single answer, so I then have to scroll up to see the questions which keep on coming like a hailstorm that never ceases to end.

With all of this chatter in my mind, there is absolutely no way in hell I'm going to get this all done while also responding to comments.

I groan.

Why on earth did I accept this job? It is literally the most stressful thing I've agreed to in my entire life.