"John?" its her mother goddamn it.

"Hi Mrs. Whitling."

"Has Stephanie contacted you at all?" I wished she'd shut up. "I called her twice and she hasn't answered a single call or text in hours."

"No she hasn't, I was actually about to call you about the same thing." I rested my back against the basement wall. My hair dark from the rain. "It's getting dark out and I'm a bit worried."

"Do you think we should call the police? I'm not overthinking things?" I knew that was the first thing her small brain would suggest.

"Her phone probably died and she got caught in the rain,"

She sighed. "You're probably right."

"Let's wait for the rain to stop and then if she's not back, we'll call."

"Alright." She paused probably fretting her wrinkled fingers off the bone. "But call me right away if she contacts you."

"Yes mam."

"Thank you John."

she liked freedom

a little too much

her anxiety was

a little too loud

her heart

a lot to fix

and he didn't

have the tools

the strongest people

are willing to sacrifice

themselves

to save others

to submit

their entire being

for the possibility

of a better outcome

Freshly broken people,

standing one whole person apart

seeing each other out of peripheral

someone on stage sings

hearts iron-guarded

minds left to wander

freshly broken people,

they can only think of each other

what could have been

what can never be

freshly broken people,

a song stirring their souls

a line drawing between them

the lyrics poking old wounds

freshly broken people,

hated how fate could be so cruel

I sucked at bowling. I didn't care. I liked the way you smiled when my ball went straight in the gutter. The way you gave me a high five anyways.

By the time we finished our two games, the sky was dark and rain flooded the lot. We ran back to the car, our shirts soaked. We laughed ugly in the front seats watching the last episode of Stranger Things. I leaned over the center console to rest on your shoulder, when you suggested moving to the back.

The phone rested against one of the plushies you stole from a claw machine. I laid sideways while you sat upright with my head on your chest. Your arms were warm. We talked throughout most of it and when it finished we watched Kenobi but if I was being honest, I have no memory of that episode.

You tickled my face with pecks until I turned and pecked you on the lips right back. We had kissed maybe twice before but not like this. Not this many. Not this slow. Our nervous hands remained at each other's necks. Smiles in between hot breaths. You were gentle. Like I might break if you kissed me too hard.

to be frank, i'm scared of getting into my next relationship.

with my last relationship, my mental health was distraught because of it and my feelings faded towards the end and it was hard to speak my mind.

i'm scared bc the way i reacted towards my first relationship i knew i would 100% say yes if this guy (now my ex) asked to be my bf.

but the guy I'm talking with right now, that I like, has a lot of the qualities i like and i feel easy to talk to and i like hanging out with him on ft and gaming etc. I feel unsure and scared if he were to ask me.

Idk if it's bc i'm scarred from my last one and scared I have rose tinted glasses on so now I wear pessimistic glasses?

There's so many doubts I have.

I think I just need to go on actual dates/hangouts with this guy and then I'll be able to know.

I hope?

It's just scary bc while I'm trying to figure out my feelings, he's flirting and giving obvious signs.

I'm just more scared he'll ask me before I have a clear answer in my head, I don't want to rush into a relationship like my last one that ended poorly

Anywho.. I'm going on a hangout (we never called it a date) tomorrow with him to see Dr. Strange.

tbh I'm very excited cause I've never hung out one-on-one with him before

o i pray its not awkward

this is such a cringe confession.

i miss kissing people.

Dating,

I think I'm scarred for the most part

Even if you hate them

you still think it's your fault

although you tell yourself

you needed that "life lesson"

you somehow wish you

could protect yourself from the past

Dating,

you quickly realize happily-ever-after

doesn't come often

and fate seems to hide in the shadows

Dating,

how i want to go back to those days

that i thought everything would work out

where i wanted to scream from the rooftops my love

but no

you question whether love exists

or if what you see online and in books

is all just fake

make-believe

what do you gain from whispering in my ear and tugging at the back of my mind?

i want to be free of you. i want to break up.

we're breaking up.

i'm saying it now before summer ends and you come chasing after me when i go to college. i'm sure we'll meet again, although our reunion won't be filled with laughter but of tears and phone calls home.

please let me be the first one to speak and not to listen, for if i hear your words, i'm not sure if i'll be able to speak a sound.

you laughed and pointed at me when i presented, you whispered whenever i sat alone at lunch, you mimicked anytime i stuttered.

we've been together all our lives, but now it is time to part ways.

goodbye social anxiety

Mrs. Duncan always gives Emma extra brownie points. Mrs. Duncan always gives Emma extra brownie points because she doesn’t have a dad. I wish I didn’t have a dad. Who wants a dad anyways? I told Mrs. Duncan that Emma could have my dad and I could take her brownie points instead. Mrs. Duncan told me that was a horrible thing to say and that she wasn’t giving Emma extra brownies points because she didn’t have a dad. She must have realized I had the better part of the deal.

I wish I didn’t have a dad.

I wish I had a dad like Emma did. One that was dead and couldn’t hit me when mom went out at night.