Things I Wish I Could Say To You

The soft and gentle scent of the rain filled the air around her. The silence was more deafening than usual. Gentle caresses from the wind brought her back to that moment. She often found herself in this situation. She was no stranger to the feeling that crept into the pit of her stomach when she looked at him. More than anything in this world she craved to hold him and let the truth slip out of her slightly parted lips. Admitting how she felt had never been easy for her. She couldn't figure out what she wanted. She wanted to love him but there were too many things holding her back. He came into her life so suddenly. Unable to catch her breath before she began to fall for him. The way he showed up and her world was stained with color. A once black and white portrait now filled with hues that don't exist. She dreamt of him in colors that even his beautiful green eyes couldn't see. Mornings spent by his side. Small fleeting glances filled with passion. If only he knew the way she looked at him. How she would light up when the first thing her eyes landed on in the morning was his tousled hair. The slight rise and fall of his chest gave her goosebumps. She wanted him, all of him. When their eyes would meet the world melted away. In those moments she wanted him to kiss her, with every nerve, every fiber, every molecule in her body. But the moments ended most often abruptly. He was so hard for her to read. His actions and words twisting in paths her tired mind couldn't keep up with. He was exhausting. Two people that were clearly feeling the same but too afraid to speak up. Two beautiful minds that couldn't seem to come to terms with the feelings they had for eachother. She got lost in him, but it's the kind of lost that's exactly the same as being found. Commitment was one thing she could no longer understand. She was terrified that she would fall for him and end up alone again, that he would hurt her. All the while she didn't know how he felt. Reading people had always been her strong suit but for some unfathomable reason he was a mystery. His very own novel that she so desperately wanted to read. To tear through the pages until she knew what lay between them. Mysteries had always been her favorite. The thrill of not knowing what was next to come. The way her heart would beat faster and faster as she got closer to knowing the truth within the black printed letters. But he was something different entirely. An anomaly within her very own universe. A place where she was herself again, when life was simple and she didn't fear pain. The stars twinkling in her eyes and her lips curving into the moon. Instead she sat in the rain that night, cheeks stained black and tears slipping out of her brown eyes. As much as she wish she could, she knew that he would never hear those words from her. That they would rest in the back of her mind as things she wished she could say to him. And so she closed her eyes and dreamt of the day they would finally wake up.