It hurts

I'm hurting

There's pain in my chest and I can't get enough breath and I'm forgetting how to breathe

My head throbs

My eyes burn

And I can't figure out how

to get my damn fingers to work

Moths are gnawing at the pit of my stomach and making

their way up my throat

and into the light

The light in my eyes

When I'm with you

But there's too much pain

It's overwhelming

I can't think

I'm folding in on myself

Drowning in bittersweet emotions

I'm withering away

And I'm about to sink

it's not like it was just yesterday that you forgot about me

and we stopped talking

it's been seven months

and i'd be lying if i said this wasn't the worst winter i've ever had

i've been stuck in blizzards and heatstrokes of writing stupid things about you that don't add up to poetry because the way you treated me was never quite as beautiful

it was hell

i just didn't realize it before

maybe it was because i was really getting used to the way your voice could shatter my entire existence with a few syllables

or how your words always managed to stab me in places under my skin that no one else could ever reach

you were right,

i didn't matter

but there must've been something between your "that's nice"s and "cool"s that kept me breathing, because you got me through the fall even though you didn't mean to

i never saw your list of intentions,

but i highly doubt they mentioned helping a lost girl cross a chasm to find her way back home

however, this is not a thank-you note

it's more of a goodbye

i'll say it again-

we were not poetry-

we could've been

but no matter how you choose to romanticize it,

we weren't beautiful

our worn-out mouths and twisted hands were not smothered in strawberry skies

they were tainted with poison

we were toxic

there were no words that hung in the air like cigarettes at midnight or smiles that could've reignited the world with their spark

there was just us

and you left your mark on me

instead of trying to find the rose petals in a field in full bloom,

you chose to focus on the thorns

you said i had thousands of flaws, and you found them in my every breath,

choking me with what i should've said

so if you thought the pair of us were poetry, answer me now:

were we beautiful then?

face it

we were never gorgeous

and if you still think we were, get it through your head:

pain is not beautiful, and the way i've barely managed to survive these past weeks is not somehow stunning

so stop telling me we were dynamic

that's not true

we were dynamite but i took the damage

all because of you

My mind seemed fuzzy, as I danced around my room.

My soul had been dipped in blood, and a crazed grin spread across my face.

I stepped on shattered ceramic, loving the blood oozing between my toes. The pain.

I danced. Around. And around. And around.

"Like a carousel!" I screamed. "Like a freaking carousel!"

Dizzy.

Dizzy.

Dizzy.

CRAZY.

Dizzy.

Dizzy.

Dizzy.

Limbs had been town of from my victims, and they were scattered across the room, with the pieces of broken ceramic.

I picked up an arm and hugged it. I loved my victims, I loved them, I loved them, I loved them.

Dizzy.

Dizzy.

Dizzy.

Crazy.

Blood, blood, blood...

I jumped onto my bed, and stuffed my mouth with pillow. I laughed into it. I laughed so hard tears streamed from my eyes.

DIZZY CRAZY DIZZY CRAZY DIZZY DIZZY DIZZY DIZZY BLOOD

I hugged a leg. "I LOVE YOU, VICTIMS!" I screamed.

BLOOOOOD

I laughed again, and rubbed my streaming eyes with a cold finger. I jumped off my bed again, and stomped on the broken ceramic. Broken broken BroKeN cccccCRRRRaaazy #]]#}[=+#\>6/)@~;9<0.(9<{#>\=.7/0(, CRAZY

I laughed into a head.

BROKEN BROKEN CRAZY

"Hi."

"Hey."

Silence.

"I haven't seen you for a while."

"I know."

Silence.

"Where have you been?"

"Places."

"Places?"

"Places!"

Silence.

"I missed you."

"I know."

Silence.

"Did you miss me?"

"I guess."

Silence.

"Why won't you talk?"

"I don't know."

"Please, will you tell me where you've been?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I can't."

"Can't, or won't?"

"Both."

Silence.

"I'm leaving."

"Okay."

"Won't you come?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"Goodbye."

Silence.

Spottedleaf was walking through the forest. It was new-leaf, and herbs were starting to sprout out of the earth.

Suddenly, Spottedleaf came across a MYSTERIOUS Twoleg den. Heck, the mouse-brained she-cat decided, how about I go check it out? When she stepped inside the den, the first thing she noticed was... A wall. It was beautiful and had roses all over it. "Oh my," Spottedleaf gasped, "that wall is absolutely LOVELY!"

"That wall can talk," the wall said. Spottedleaf just about fainted in surprise. "Great StarClan!" She excliamed. "I am so, so sorry, sir!"

The wall said, "You know, baby, I like you."

"I love you too!!" Spottedleaf gasped, and her eyes turned into hearts. Suddenly, there was a voice behind Spottedleaf and the wall. "BUT SPOTTEDBABY!" The voice wailed. "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEEEEE!" Firepaw was there, tears streaming down his BOOTIFUL FUR. Spottedleaf snorted. "Why love you, when the wall is so much... HOTTER?" Spottedleaf gushed.

"BUT MY NAME'S FIREPAW!" Firepaw cried.

Spottedleaf shrugged. "Me and wall have buisness to do." Firepaw ran out crying. Spottedleaf turned back to the wall. "Baby, I never caught your name."

"The name's MISTER WALL MC WALLIE PANTS," MISTER WALL MC WALLIE PANTS said.

"Well, then," Spottedleaf mewed. "I love ya." Then Spottedleaf and MISTER WALL MC WALLIE PANTS had a make out session and the result was Spottedleaf's Herbalicious lipstick all over the wall.

When Spottedleaf got back to camp, she couldn't concentrate. She was so in love with MISTER WALL MC WALLIE PANTS that she acidentally fed Pawpaw deathberries. Wonder why you never met Pawpaw? That's why.

The next night, Spottedleaf met MISTER WALL MC WALLIE PANTS again.

The next morning, Spottedleaf realized she was expecting kits with him. She was overjoyed.

Many moons later, she had her kits. They were basically kittens with blocky bodies and random roses all over their fur.

DA HOLLYLEAF BEFORE SHE WAS BORNED came down from GONNABEBORNINTHEFUTURECLAN and gave Spottedleaf a lecture about how it was against the warrior code and medicine cat code to have kits with a wall.

Spottedleaf stuck her tongue out at DA HOLLYLEAF BEFORE SHE WAS BORNED and told her that her kits' names were Wallkit, Rosekit, MISTERWALLMCWALLIEPANTSKIT, and Normalkit.

Then Firepaw came in and ate Normalkit and Rosekit out of jealousy.

DA HOLLYLEAF BEFORE SHE WAS BORNED screamed at him about breaking the warrior code.

Firepaw made spitting sounds at DA HOLLYLEAF BEFORE SHE WAS BORNED.

The next night, Spottedleaf visited MISTER WALL MC WALLIE PANTS again and told him the nexts of his kits.

"OH MAH GAWD WE HAVE LITTLE WALLIES!" MISTER WALL MC WALLIE PANTS sobbed. "I LOVE EM SO MUCH!" MISTER WALL MC WALLIE PANTS embraced them in a hug. How walls can hug, IDK.

Then the wall had some very sad news. "I shall have to leave you, Spottedhoneypoopoo," he said. "I have to go make out with my udder boyfriend--FIREPAW!"

"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEEE, MISTER WALL MC WALLIE PANTS!" She sobbed. "AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE A BOOOY!" "I'M MULTI GENDER!" The wall screamed, and started kissing Firepaw.

Firepaw smirked at Spottedleaf between kisses.

Spottedleaf was so upset that she begged Clawface to kill her. Thus the story of how Spottedleaf died. (Although, in StarClan, she found a very handsome wall... With lilacs on him. Hint hint.)