My grin is so wide and I laugh at your jokes

You would never know inside that I feel so broke.

Dancing and singing, and having such fun

But inside I feel like I need to run

I put on a brave face for all of my fam

but my heart and my soul feel so damned.

You say I am happy, funny, and not shy

but inside I feel that I should just die.

I feel that life is like a terrifying roller coaster

with all its ups and downs

I miss being a kid riding the spinning tea cups

spinning round and round.

I swim around in life through the depression and the stress

only to find myself drowning in a pool of all this mess.

It's hard to keep on going when you think the cause is lost

People say life is good, but I believe that is false.

Hip Hip Hooray,

Here comes the best story ever!

We all will meet, we all will write,

Once we get together!

Some are typing, some are writing,

but some of us are blocked

Twirling pencils in their hand,

trying to unlock the fog.

Some stories are so funny,

and some of them are not.

and some of them are scary,

we like all of them a lot!

We wake the city up

by sharing all the news

we even write the music

and that includes the blues!

There are so many people in here but not enough room,

there is an empty trash can too, but no trash bags or a broom.

Someone put their coke cans in the sink

and now the small room begins to stink.

I hear an awful song in my head that appears to be stuck on repeat

and I'll be damned- someone just turned up the heat!

It's hot and humid and spiders are crawling up the wall

I do not like this room so much, I'm not fond of it at all.

There are bingo numbers never called and cake that's never made

As I come to realize this, my smile begins to fade.

Sitting next to a talkative Know-it-all

I get what I believe is a spam robo call-

All of this has happened before my day even begins,

I cannot help but wonder what fresh hell I'm in.

Forgive me for my insecurities

Forgive me for my ugliness

Forgive me for not being quick enough

Forgive me for not being smart enough

Forgive me for standing in your way

Forgive me for holding you back

Forgive me for the things I regret

Forgive me for being the monster you think I am

Forgive me for being a fat ass

Forgive me for my anxiety

Forgive me for not speaking when I should

Forgive me for the train wreck of destruction I have left in my life

Forgive me for not being compliant

Forgive me for not being brave

Forgive me for being human

Forgive me for hurting others that I love

Forgive me for being angry

FORGIVE ME FOR NOT FORGIVING MYSELF AND BEING MY OWN WORST ENEMY!!!!!!!

I must learn to stop being my own worst critic

So a thing that terrified me back when I was a young child, would definitely NOT terrify me today, or even as a teenager, but as a small child- I freaked out! My dad had taken us to a Go Cart and mini golf place one summer. It was a blast of course, but at some point I had to go use the restroom. I was about 6-7 years old maybe at the time and I went inside and went on in the bathroom. When I walked in I noticed that they had big long sinks on the wall and I had never seen those before. I thought they looked weird but kept on walking to the stall. I shut the stall and started to use the restroom and all of a sudden a grown man walks in and is peeing in the sink and I start freaking out and crying in the stall. He was probably like WTF - lol. I cried until he left and then once he was gone I hightailed it out of there and was embarrassed that I had went into the wrong restroom. I was so scared though- LOL!

Has anyone ever noticed that when everything in your life is going smoothly and you feel genuinely happy and in a "good place, " something suddenly happens and causes your short-lived happiness to crash and burn? If so, then welcome to my life right now. I am disabled due to Bipolar disorder- don't judge me! I started receiving disability at about 22 or 23 years old when it became apparent to everyone BUT me that I couldn't hold a job to save my life. I was unmedicated and a damn mess. Self-medicating with alcohol became my daily task to check off my To Do List. I wouldn't even admit I was sick until later on in my life. Don't get me wrong now, I tried to hold a job, but could never really do it. So, I lived off my disability until I became pregnant with my son, and I knew we would need more income coming in at some point. My husband worked at a place working on AC/Heat Units at the time. After my son was born I started thinking about how I wanted to set an example to my son not to quit his education and that it was never too late to further educate yourself. I enrolled in Hinds Community College and at the time was medicated as I should have been for my Bipolar Disorder so I was able to complete the courses. Two years later, I graduated college with an Associate's Degree in Office Systems Technology. I was working for Dollar General at that point to help make ends meet. I had just found out I was pregnant with my daughter. When I graduated I was so DAMN PROUD of myself. I had NEVER finished anything before in my life. I had always either failed or just couldn't quite do it. Not that I wasn't smart or talented enough- not bragging but I can sing and draw EXCEPTIONALLY WELL, but because my Bipolar ups and downs would get in the way. After my daughter was born, I got addicted to painkillers after I had a C Section and my life spiraled out of control. Fast forward to all of my life coming back together. I was working at a call center. I loved what I did and loved the people I worked with. However, the environment during Covid 19 and all the political shit started to turn my work environment into a toxic environment. Leave it to me to snap off at my supervisor and storm off. Yup, not only was it my favorite supervisor at that job, but she was also a friend. Or I considered her to be. I took out my hostility on her and I still have not forgiven myself for that although she says she forgives me. When I lost that job, a job I had been at for four years, I felt heartbroken and lost. I went through a couple of jobs at hotels.... hated it. One day, I was at my crappy paying hotel job and my car broke down in the parking lot. While my husband was fixing it I received a call about a job I had applied to and they told me I would need high-speed internet and a monitor to work and I accepted the $8.00 an hour since it was working from home, I wasn't having to buy gas so I felt what the heck, let's give it a shot. I started working for the new place and pretty quickly, within 2 weeks, I had been given a pay increase matching the amount I made before- 12.00. I was over the moon and happy! I had never gotten a raise in pay before, so when I got two more and a promotion within 6 months of being there, I felt so proud and happy. I felt like I was finally able to do something and make money doing so. I became a Team Leader and I loved and enjoyed the people I woke with. I felt like I was on top of the world. I only worked the number of hours I had worked before, part-time. But then once in the supervisor role, I wanted to prove to myself and everyone I could hold a part-time job and supervise other individuals. I guess I must have outdone myself because they gave me another raise, this raise was much higher- $13.75. Fast forward to last December. It was a normal day at work. I had been a Supervisor for over a year by then and was very comfortable with everyone I worked with and with my job. Just one day out of the blue, right before Christmas, our Senior Manager was just let go without warning. Two days later, the manager under her was gone. A week later, my immediate supervisor put in her resignation. Everything was falling apart and I worked my ass off, extra hours. I should not have done that for them as I received a letter from disability stating that I had made too much income in the past year and so they were cutting my disability off. My heart fell to the ground. I followed up and appealed it, but I am still waiting to hear back. They also told me I owe them 21000 dollars in 30 days. Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?????! Oh and as if almost right on schedule, my job lays me off with a week's pay in severance pay. I mean REALLY? I have had to work twice as hard to accomplish things in my life. Simple, easy things that seem to be no big deal to other people, like getting up in the morning, keeping a job, or finishing any task I start are so hard for me. I am starting a new job at the end of the month and it is for higher pay than before. But for a month now I feel like my life is that song- " I get knocked down, but I get up again, you never gonna keep me down" So, I am ending this on a good note. I have learned that when God closes one door, he opens another always, however, if you are like me, you probably are lost somewhere in the hallway looking for that next door- just keep walking, it will be on your left :)

Puddles of tear drops gather at my feet

As they hit the ground- I’m reminded of my defeat.

I have to tried to be someone and show you that I’m great

But you never notice, you only show me hate.

All I want is love from you but it’s nowhere to be found

Even as my soul is crushed it doesn't make a sound.

I try so hard to flash a smile and never show my pain,

but now my smile starts to dim like fireflys in the rain.

I beg, I beg,and pray you’ll show me love,

Asking just for one sign from the Lord above.

You take a piece of me each day- taking me apart,

it’s just a matter of time until you break my heart.

I remember my start in life-

Surrounded by soil- soaking it up

I try to get every ounce of nurtrients I can

I start to grow- it feels so good-

Sprouting out, I come up out of the ground

I love sun bathing

I soak up the sun and wait for it to rain

I sure do love a shower

As I grow and grow

I become much longer

I become more wide as well

I feel so beautiful- long, green, and mouth watering-

I am ready for someone to grab me up and pick me

and if I am lucky, they will grab me up and pickle me :)

Dark blue skies above look down

Twinkling star lights are all around

Water rushes up onto the sand

We lay with each other, hand in hand.

Perfect Sounds. Perfect Beauty.