I was plagued with fears of all types in my past. Simple fears, like insects, mice, and heights. Social fears, that made me shy and awkward. Then there were the big fears that threw me into full panic attacks. Fear abounded in my mind. Anxiety and paranoia, crippling me to the point of deep depression and the inability to live a full life. Most fears, when investigated, will reveal a deeper fear at the core.

The fear of losing someone or something I love was particularly painful. The other fear that caused the most difficulties was the fear of being alone. Both of these fears tied together into a greater fear of death.

I couldn’t bear the thought.

I had to accept that nothing and no one is mine. That death is inevitable, and no amount of worry or protection could prevent it.

Easier said than done.

It’s a state of mind that takes time to develop. A surrender of sorts.

The surrender of your life and all things valuable and dear to you.

It’s a realization that you are only here a short time. That we are all, here for just a short time. We all will leave this place with nothing but our memories.

Life is too short to waste time on worrying and fear.

Just jump in.

All in.

Into everything you do.

When I find a fear creep into my life, I attack it.

I investigate it.

I learn what I can from it.

I bring it to light and see where it takes me.

All in or nothing.

I’ve searched,

I’ve scavenged,

I’ve checked every corner of this world that I inhabit.

Every nook and cranny,

Every dark place,

Every tree top and mountain peak, not an inch left uncovered.

Always looking,

Always grasping,

Always reaching for a sign.

Never seeing,

Never feeling,

Never knowing, that you were right there all along.

Maybe the journey was a test of faith.

Maybe I couldn’t see you, because my mind got in the way.

Maybe I just needed to feel blown away.

When I surrendered to your game,

When I laid it all on the line,

When all hope was lost.

You wrapped me in loving comfort,

You gathered me up from the ruins,

You gave me new life.

You paid, the cost.

Mid winters morning.

Icy wind caressing my skin.

The skin I left unadorned,

the better to feel you with.

Your icy touch sending shivers through my mind.

Drawing water from the depths beneath my feet.

Pushing, pulling, plunging

The rhythmic ebb and flow of life.

Life, like this water I draw, flowing through the path of least resistance.

Don’t fight the tears, let them flow,

Kissing your cheeks like morning dew, crystalline on barren branches above my head.

The utterance of snow falling all around me, like some quiet song from long ago, distant memories.

Whispers from the unknown.

Mystery’s abound in my mind.

Alone I feel the power, the beauty,

Of not knowing.

What it’s all, about.

Not needing to understand.

Just allowing

Feeling

Flowing...

I see you softly in the morning light.

Quietly you slip,

into my mind,

my heart,

my soul.

Warming me through your mystical embrace.

Awakened to the moment

I feel the grace.

As the cold sets in

I begin to see

All that was hidden

Before me

All that was vibrant

All that was lush

Cold wind stripped away

Summers sweet blush

But here is where the truth can be told

Under all that glitter

Hides the gold

Deep in my heart

I know you can see

The hidden and protected version of me.