He led me on.

For years, months, weeks, days, hour to hour,

minute to minute.

The strings that held me to him,

I slowly began to cut.

One by one.

And instead of allowing me to

escape with a sliver of sanity, he vanished.

And his disappearing wasn’t just

devastating, it was cataclysmic.

I didn’t sit around eating ice cream

or hide in the shower crying quietly over a boy that broke my heart.

I planted myself in bed and dug roots.

Roots so deep that I never thought I’d be part of the World again.

Day after day, I battled with surviving.

Sleeping to avoid feeling the pain.

Staying awake to avoid meeting

him in my dreams.

I waited for time to heal me,

but every second that he continued to a disregard my existence,

parts of me continued to tear away.

And the hole in my chest only grew.

I wanted to be sedated, unable to think,

unable to feel.

My mind played every conversation over and over.

Nothing made sense.

I felt so inadequate, so worthless.

I was the bad guy in my own story.

Then the day came,

where I no longer fought to let him go,

but instead, allowed myself to go.

I didn’t stop loving him.

I didn’t even stop wanting him.

Throughout our time together I

had said all I could say, gave all I could.

I felt none of it was enough --

And the biggest mistake I ever

made, was allowing him to feed me excuses on why I should accept less than I deserved.

The pain was no longer his fault,

I was the problem.

I continued to try for someone who

put out no effort to have me.

He was doing nothing, and in turn

I shouldn’t have been doing anything.

All of it --

It was enough.

I cannot take back the moments we laughed until it hurt.

I cannot forget how he made me feel.

I cannot pretend I didn’t lose myself in him.

I cannot unlove him.

I did these things.

I can love myself more.

I can start demanding my worth.

I can be without him.

He was the best of times; he was the worst of times.

He was black; I was white.

He lied; I believed him.

He cheated; I forgave him.

He stole from me; I thought I deserved it.

He loved me conditionally; I loved him unconditionally.

He was the best of times, he was the worst of times.

When we talked about chasing after all our dreams

I thought that would include each other.

Everyone tells you, wait for the right one,

BUT don’t wait by the phone for anyone.

Wait, take it slow, enjoy the moments,

BUT don’t wait around wasting your time.

Wait for the one that makes you complete,

BUT don’t wait for anyone to make you whole.

Wait a certain amount of time to move in with someone,

BUT don’t wait so long they leave.

Wait to get married until you’re older,

BUT don’t wait around for someone to propose for six years.

Wait, think it through,

BUT don't overthink it.

What am I waiting for?

BUT what if I don’t?

Three minutes without thinking. The stopwatch is started and music plays in the background. My continual loop of songs regarding love and sadness. Intertwined so perfectly to keep me from completely falling apart. I have made a mess of things in my life, per usual. Happiness is always short-lived. I sit here now working on a challenge to avoid revamping my resume and applying for jobs. I say as if that is the challenge I should be most concerned about in my life. You would never know. Should I sound so miserable and discouraging on a social platform? The time is up, no time to change it now.

It was a Saturday evening.

A crowded venue, he and I were rushing to get to our destination.

He grabbed my hand and stopped me in the middle of the overwhelming chaos.

His words were not loud, but not quite a whisper either.

“You look... beautiful,” he chimed.

The way he lingered over the word beautiful made it feel so intimate.

The rushing people around us melted away, the noise faded, and in that moment, it was only him and I.

He leaned in quickly and kissed my forehead before he began to pull me back to reality.

And we were on our way again...

Two years ago

in a vineyard

dusted with snow

I watched you go.

There were no goodbyes

merely silence

and hidden tearfilled eyes.

I walked around every bend

up and down each row, end to end

searching for my best friend.

Three in the morning chimes once more.

It is this time of day that calls my name to make my burdens right.

A time of day when nothing can be done.

Yet, the smallest sliver of hope reaches me, but will dissipate before the morning light.

I am grateful it comes to me now.

To awaken with hope would be too much to bear.