When we talked about chasing after all our dreams

I thought that would include each other.

Everyone tells you, wait for the right one,

BUT don’t wait by the phone for anyone.

Wait, take it slow, enjoy the moments,

BUT don’t wait around wasting your time.

Wait for the one that makes you complete,

BUT don’t wait for anyone to make you whole.

Wait a certain amount of time to move in with someone,

BUT don’t wait so long they leave.

Wait to get married until you’re older,

BUT don’t wait around for someone to propose for six years.

Wait, think it through,

BUT don't overthink it.

What am I waiting for?

BUT what if I don’t?

Three minutes without thinking. The stopwatch is started and music plays in the background. My continual loop of songs regarding love and sadness. Intertwined so perfectly to keep me from completely falling apart. I have made a mess of things in my life, per usual. Happiness is always short-lived. I sit here now working on a challenge to avoid revamping my resume and applying for jobs. I say as if that is the challenge I should be most concerned about in my life. You would never know. Should I sound so miserable and discouraging on a social platform? The time is up, no time to change it now.

It was a Saturday evening.

A crowded venue, he and I were rushing to get to our destination.

He grabbed my hand and stopped me in the middle of the overwhelming chaos.

His words were not loud, but not quite a whisper either.

“You look... beautiful,” he chimed.

The way he lingered over the word beautiful made it feel so intimate.

The rushing people around us melted away, the noise faded, and in that moment, it was only him and I.

He leaned in quickly and kissed my forehead before he began to pull me back to reality.

And we were on our way again...

Two years ago

in a vineyard

dusted with snow

I watched you go.

There were no goodbyes

merely silence

and hidden tearfilled eyes.

I walked around every bend

up and down each row, end to end

searching for my best friend.

Three in the morning chimes once more.

It is this time of day that calls my name to make my burdens right.

A time of day when nothing can be done.

Yet, the smallest sliver of hope reaches me, but will dissipate before the morning light.

I am grateful it comes to me now.

To awaken with hope would be too much to bear.

There was no logical reason to return to you.

I merely desired to remind myself why it was I left in the first place.

To feel it all - one. more. time.

At what cost? I should have asked myself.

Feelings I swore I could not survive a second time.

The impact of my words lost upon you, yet again.

Just as before, you never planned to stay, you had an agenda of your own.

Does it ever keep you up at night, the way it does me?

At what cost? I should have asked.