No purpose, whatsoever at all. When I sitting in my room or laying on my bed with my earphones fully turnt all the way up, I feel purposeless. This “summer slump” has made my senselessness even more senseless. Once again I set impossible goals for myself and when I have to face my shortcomings, I falter. I thought I could do it all, I would feel better. I have no excuses but here I am, doing nothing. Hearing so and so’s name doing something way better than me, going back and forth online as it only hurts harder, the migraines keep happening. Now I'm alone in the summertime when I should be in the making. At night, I can’t fall asleep but I don’t want my phone to put me to rest.

How do I feel better?

No one knows what it is that I do...

I'm here because she left

At one point in time, she was me, and I was her

Like all fragments of time, she splintered off

Chipped away from the likes of this place

And now I'm here

My youth, my adolescence is gone

A dance over the course of my life, lays in the shipwreck

Now I'm what's left of it, like I always am

I can't bring myself to fill it up again

She's gone and now she's not ever coming back

“Ow!” My back and legs hurt all over. Is this joint pain or a last minute growth spurt? “AHHHHH!” Why are my legs as hairy as big foot? Why does my voice sound like I gotta clear my throat? Wait... HOLY. Do I have a an Adam’s Apple?!? I DO?!? I jump from my bed. I look in the bathroom mirror and holy smokes I have the same face yet I look like a boy. Ok, nothing too new except I really look like a boy. Sprinting around my room, I frantically pace with every ounce of muscle in my feet, exhausted I slump onto my desk chair. Let me get this straight, yesterday I was Danielle today I’m Daniel? I must be hallucinating, how else do you explain this? My parents aren’t going to be happy. Slowly, I tell myself, “Hi, my name is Daniel.” Taken aback my hand covers my mouth in horror. Jeez, my voice really dropped a few octaves. Man, if I were still Danielle, I’d be in tears by now, good thing I’m Daniel. I gotta find myself an outfit, a grey oversized t-shirt and flannel pyjama pants won’t do. Ok, car keys, screw it, I’m going to the local Walmart for clothes. I hop into my car and back out the driveway. “Buy what a boy would wear and get out as fast as I can.” I hope this isn’t a disaster. You know what? I’m gonna enjoy this. Led Zeppelin it is. I plug in my phone and type Led Zeppelin’s, “Immigrant Song”. “This song is gold!” I nod my head back and forth to the beat of the song. It doesn’t take long to reach the local Walmart. As I walk up to the front, I strut in an upbeat, smooth criminal walk. Whistling as people walk by. “Do I want a cart or should I not?” I decide not to get a cart and walk towards the mens clothing aisle. Grab a couple items here and there, a shirt, pants, socks, sunglasses. I decide after careful debate to go to self-checkout. By the time I’m out of Walmart it’s noon. I go straight to my house. “What was I thinking?” I mean this was only temporary, or not, today was one big mistake. I pull up to the driveway and walk morbidly inside. I slump once again onto my desk chair.“What a day, this was fun.” I plan on going back to bed and forgetting, what is wrong with me?

Others will be more frustrated at you than you are on yourself when you should be. Sometimes you'll be angry as hell to people when their not to you when you shouldn't be. As we get older, not always in age, we see that if we give ourselves a chance, we wouldn't be as stubborn, cold, and rude to people for what we do, people don't see us the way we do ourselves, some people want to help. No, it not always our fault, understand though if we find it in ourselves to try we get better.

Shit. I lost bad, how stupid was I? $500 down the drain. I quickly dial his number. Anxiously twisting the phone cord, he picks up. “Hey, tonight didn’t go as planned.” I wait for him to respond. “You didn’t lose, did you? How much did you bet?” he replies. ”$500, it all went to that David guy.” Roy groans.“Look I got work tomorrow, we’ll talk about it then.” I hang up. I open my fridge. “God, it stinks.” I grab a grape soda. The soda fizzles on the top. Three sips, always take three sips the first time. Who knew reclining on the couch could be this depressing? The perfume is still fresh on my collar from earlier today. Kelli wouldn’t be back until two weeks. I didn’t think it would be lonely without her, her romantic all too cliche music, the way she softly places the skillet on top, her two inch heels clacking around the apartment. The $500 I borrowed from Roy, when I won I was gonna pay him back what I owe, I was supposed to make triple of what I borrowed. Roy let me off the hook the other times I borrowed and couldn’t pay him back. He’s job is some therapist or so he tells me. I take two long sips and burp. I haven’t had the best of luck lately, it sucks when you only make a few bucks an hour. “What the hell!” I scream in frustration as loud as I can. “I can’t believe I lost.” I finish the rest of my grape soda.

The world went quiet. Too quiet.

Quiet, but not silent, no, you could feel the sound of what was coming, only at the last moment did it escape. It did this continuously on an endless loop. Fading in and out. Faintly would it creep up and at any given time, quiet rose through. They covered my mouth and motioned for me to stay still. Speak, shout, or scream, nothing happened. No one understood why we were muted, my breath was audible, anything else had no sound. When the sound returned, I called for help, I felt my voice except they couldn't hear me. I couldn't hear them. It rang in my ears until deafness settled into them. Slowly, light vanished from my eyes, smell from my nose, the touch in my fingertips, and then I couldn't eat. I had forgotten the world, the last I remembered it was quiet, mine went quiet too, too quiet, quiet turned into silence, silence made me go deaf, deaf brought me to blind, and now I'm numb. I know now, death shouldn't be long away, it comes and goes, in and out.