While thinking about love, loving or the desire to be loved. Our society is starved of love yet little to anyone knows how it works. Love is an abstract concept that many believe is unimportant because it does not make one physically successful or bring power. It is not physical but so many long for its sweet embrace but then once they have it they lose it by leaving it neglected and unmaintained leaving the ripe fruit of love to wither on its vine. Wasted by ignorance, then they have the nerve to say " why can't I ever find love?". Our society values sex as a more attainable goal that "serves a purpose". Sex is not a permanent solution and ultimately will make you crave the raw tenderness of love so much more.

I believe that crying is your body overflowing with emotion so much so that in fact, it shakes and you can feel it in your chest. Words won't come out no matter how hard you fight, silence. Trying to stop but the pain grows as if a snake was tightening itself around your body. Slowly poisoning your mind, vile thoughts seeping into your mind that makes you cry out, begging for relief. Your body heaving trying to breathe, tears burn your skin like acid, you cover your mouth so that your parents cant hear you. Your body is in so much pain aching in your chest, you throw up. Your body spasms, trying to fight, your heart freezes itself to stay alive.

Jasmine went to the store to go get some new hoodies for the fall, it was starting to get cold outside. While she was looking through the store she accidentally knocked over all of the shirts on the stand. Jasmine doesn't even know how she could manage to make such a huge mess. She was frantically picking up all the shirts when a girl with a black leather jacket walked up to her. Jasmine looks up and notices the shine of a cute kitten necklace, she looks up and notices the girls features. She had long black hair with ripped jeans and a red tank top underneath the jacket. She quickly helped her put all the shirts back, they folded all of them the shirts up, put them away neatly then the girl spoke:

"I was trying to think of an excuse to come over here but you seem to have taken care of that for me, hahaha, Nice to meet you my name is Max."

She smiled at Jasmine and shook her hand. Jasmine was struck by Max's beauty, she blushed slightly but hid it with a polite smile. Max didn't look like the type of girl to help others, she looked more like badass that didn't care about the world with a slight skateboarder vibe to her. Max looked at Jasmine curiously, Jasmine had big round glasses with messed up short brown hair. She was wearing a pair of joggers and a big baggy hoodie, not exactly presentable as one might say.

"Hello, my name is Jasmine, it's nice to meet you too". Max looked at her through her big glasses. Smiling at her they both felt joy seeping into them like stars were flowing through their veins.

Max says in a low voice:

“Would you like to hang out Saturday?”

“Oh, I can’t I am booked until next week. I don't have a moment to myself, I have to prepare for school.”

“well this is a long shot but how about right now? we could go for a walk and get to know each other.” She winks at her.

“ I guess I would be okay with that” Jasmine nodded shyly with a big smile, this girl had something special about her but she couldn't figure out what. That was a first for her, she could usually tell what makes people different, she could feel their energy easily but not with Max.

They walked together for hours, Max spoke the most, it seemed to be a talent of hers to lead the conversation. Jasmine didn't mind though she preferred listening to her, Max’s voice seemed steady and smooth. She had such a beautiful voice, and she thinks that Max liked to show it off. They spoke about their favorite books and movies. They both loved the actress Lexa Woods, they made a pact that if one of them met her they would text the other right after the encounter and tell every detail. Jasmine even has a poster in her room of Lexa, she is planning on getting it signed.

They walked until they stumbled upon a cafe, there was a chill breeze that blew through them. They both shivered and decided to go in. Max held the door for Jasmine as they walked in, the cafe was small and comfortable. It had yellow walls with red booths, it was cute in that ugly sort of way. They both smiled at the thought of a hot drink on this chilly afternoon. Jasmine bought Max her drink and they sat down at a booth inside. Jasmine sat and instantly started picking at the cup, almost instinctual. Max noticed how uneasy Jasmine was feeling so she told her a few stories about her friends. Her best friend was named Raven, she described her with such passion and happiness. Max was talking about how Raven would only date someone if she thought that they were absolutely perfect. Raven had only dated one person in her whole life. Then a topic came up that Jasmine was uneasy about.

"So are you in a relationship?" Max asked her.

"No... I'm not." She shuddered at the memory and looked out the window.

"May I ask what went wrong?"

"Well, he just didn't fit. He was so close to being the one but something just didn't work. I cared too much and in the end, it killed me."

"Do you regret it?”

“Being the one who cared more? No. Not in the way you might think. I mean, sure I got hurt. Sure, he moved on with his heart intact and I’ve been picking up the pieces ever since. But I get to sleep easy at night knowing that I will love again. That I can love that much. And that he can’t. Someone who only loves when it is convenient. I don’t want a love of convenience."

Max looked at her in awe, how can such a timid small girl be so strong? She isn't someone who looks strong in any way, but under the bashful-shy surface there is a girl who knows who she is and won't let anyone tell her otherwise. “ well to love someone else you need to love yourself first”

“no not necessarily, I loved him so much that I forgot what hating myself was like”

“I'm sorry.”

“Things like that happen, enough about me though”

“well I have never been in a relationship since I was always too busy with my studies. I have been in one-sidedove before though”

They continue the conversation for a long while it fluctuates from deep to light, it quickly becomes dark outside. Jasmine suggested that they order some pancakes and head home. Jasmine did not want anyone to worry about her, she said she would only be gone for an hour or so. They exchanged numbers and Max walked beside her for a while until they arrived at a bus stop. They parted when Jasmine had to get on the bus taking her to her home.

The next day Jasmine woke up with the touch of her kitten’s tail on her nose. Her kitten’s name was Denim and he was a beautiful grey tabby with small flecks of orange and beautiful intense green eyes. She looks at her phone to see that there is a good morning message from Max. It makes her smile and blush at the thought that a girl like Max would think about her so early in the morning. She goes about her last days of summer in the usual ways and before she knows it she is back in school for her final year. Jasmine hasn't heard from Max in a few days and she starts to worry. A few days into school and she is just getting adjusted, everything is going fairly well, especially for school. All her friends become reconnected and they soon resume their friendships from last year. No one called or texted her in the summer except Jack, Claudia , and Fern. They are her best friends, almost like family. Fern is a shy girl that doesn't want to cause anyone trouble and never wants to bother anyone. Jack really doesn't care what anyone thinks and he frequently gets in trouble with the teachers. Claudia has a special way to tell people the hard truth without hurting their feelings, she is friends with everyone.

All of Jasmine’s friends have no idea about Max and she does not plan on telling anyone about her either. Until Claudia can tell that something is up with her, ’“Hey, Jaz, you seem a bit off, is everything okay?” Jasmine could never keep secrets from her, she would always find out. Someone would tell her rumors eventually, she almost cried when she spilled her guts to her about the beautiful girl, how great she was and their time together. Claudia looked at her friend in disbelief, remembering the boy that Jasmine once loved. So similar in the way she spoke about them and so different at the same time. Claudia comforts her and helps Jasmine get it together.

The next day at school Jasmine hears rumors about all the boys are getting hurt because they wanted to see the new school nurse. Jasmine was so shocked, she had totally forgotten that Mrs.P the old school nurse had retired last year. So Jasmine plays the sick girl in class to go see what all the commotion with the new nurse is about. She gets into the office and is told to wait for the nurse. Suddenly, in walks, Max in a tight skirt and nurse uniform, with her hair in a proper bun and she is reading the nursing sheet before she spotted Jasmine. Jasmine widens her eyes and blushes more than she ever thought she could, she feels like her face is on fire. Max gasps quietly in surprise at the young girl sitting in front of her. She really did not expect to see her here.

Max finally speaks: “Alright, miss Miller, follow me into the examination room, please” Jasmine lowers her head, she barely recognizes Max anymore, her voice was firm and abrupt. She follows Max through a door that has a pink lily with a medical cross on it and the name Maxine Kelly, medical nurse. She follows into a room where there is a small examination table in the corner, there are pictures of anatomy, a scale as usual and an office chair, the smell of disinfectant hit her nose in small waves. Max closes the door quietly “ Wow! I had no idea you went to the same school I do. hahaha” Jasmine sighs in relief it seems that Max is being well… Max again. Jasmine takes a moment to think about the schooling Max has gone through and is suddenly overtaken by curiosity “how old are you?”.

“Oh yeah, I know I'm a little young to be a nurse. I’m 20 and on your sheet, it says that you are 18 is that right? Have a seat”. She gestures to the office chair in the corner of the room.

Jasmine nods. The girl she developed a slight crush on in only a day is working at the same school that she goes too!!! It seemed like she had to fight off the butterflies every time she saw her. Even though she sure doesn't act like she is older than her most of the time. She watches as the nurse reads her sheet quietly, slightly chewing on the end of a pen. Her eyes are drawn to the curves of Max’s beautifully shaped, full, smooth lips. Jasmine shakes herself out of it. This is not the time or place to be thinking about such things.

Max puts the sheet down and goes over to where Jasmine is sitting. Max asks the usual nurse questions, allergies, any irritation or pains. When suddenly out of nowhere Jasmine speaks out: “why didn't you answer any of the texts I sent you this week? do you not like talking with me?” She bites her tongue so that no more embarrassing questions could come out. Max looks at her in worry as if trying to comfort a child:

“ oh no, I do like talking with you, I have been really busy especially with paperwork and being accepted into this school. I can't even remember the last place I put my phone I haven't looked at it in so long, I didn't mean to ignore you.”

Jasmine realized that for someone as young as Max to be a nurse, she must have her fair share of responsibilities to take care of, so it makes sense that she wouldn't have a whole lot of time on her hands. Jasmine felt like a child with those realizations but she couldn't help but be cautious, a broken promise can do that to a girl. She didn't want to get her hopes up.

“ you dont look like the type to be a nurse” Jasmine raises her eyebrow

“Ah that's not right to judge a book by its cover miss Miller” she says jokingly “ I became a nurse because I like to help people”

Jasmine goes back to class, her mind was so full of thoughts and whirling with questions for Max. She walks into class, the other students look at her and so does the teacher. The teacher asks “Are you okay to be at school still?”. She nodded, even from across the room her friends Fern, Claudia, and Jack could see that something was off about her. Jack waved his arm for Jasmine to come to sit down with them. Jack says “ Okay quick we are supposed to be in study groups for next class quiz. It's going to be all about the Imperial army and why they fell.” Claudia hits jacks arm “Stop talking about school, Jack, let's talk about that new nurse.” She raises her eyebrows and everyone in the group looks at her. Fern is raising her hand so she can speak. Jasmine tells her that if there is something she wants to ask she doesn't have to raise her hand. “ Is the new nurse nice? I sure hope they understand that I have sensitive eyes.” Most of the new teachers at the school would complain that Fern wouldn't be paying any attention in class, even though she could not look at screens for more than 30 mins at a time. The nicer teachers would give her paperwork so that she would not have to use a computer to do her homework. Jasmine told her that the new nurse was nice and that she is sure to understand.

Jack notices that jasmine is slightly blushing while she was daydreaming “well well well, you seem to be enjoying the thought of someone. Huh?..... Maybe the new nurse?”

Jasmine snaps out of it “Hey! just because she is a nurse does not mean I like her or even think about her” She crosses her arms.

“Okay, okay I'm just saying, you like girls, she might like girls, you never know for sure. I can tell that you were thinking about her, you never think about anyone else with red on your cheeks. ha ha ha”

Jasmine shrugs him off and gets back to the assignment.

The next day Jasmine gets sent to the office for being late even though it wasn't her fault. Her bus was late and she had to go to the washroom before class and forgot to tell anyone she would be late. She marched down to the office in frustration, Max walks into the school with a huge jacket on and a big burgundy scarf. She waves at the receptionist “ Good morning, Linda.” She stops and takes her huge scarf off and her jacket, she goes to hang them up at the coat rack in the teacher's lounge, she is wearing green nurse scrubs with a white t-shirt underneath. She looks at Jasmine with a cocky smirk “Already getting into trouble Miller? it's not even 9:30 yet”

“Ha. Ha. Very funny”

“Come with me, I would like to talk with you”

Jasmine looks confused and refuses when she thinks about moving from the front desk where the receptionist told her to wait for the principal. But then she remembers that Max has the authority to tell her what to do, so she follows her. Max tells the receptionist that she would like to do a quick check-upn Jasmine's symptoms and gets the receptionist to inform the principal where Jasmine is going. They go into the nurse's room, Max sits in the office chair and gestures to Jasmine to sit on the exam table. She does and keeps her eyes down, she doesn't know why but Max intimidates her.

Max speaks first “ Would you like to have lunch with me today? I’m having trouble making friends with the teachers here, they think I'm too young and naive.”

“Um, sure? I have to ask my friends if I could”

“No, you don't”

Jasmine smiles when Max looks at her with puppy eyes “Please?”

“Fine, I will have lunch with you”

She comes back from lunch with Max through the front door of the school, they had left school grounds to go to the park next door to the school. Max wanted to show Jasmine the geese that were flocking to go south for the winter. They walk in, Max thanks her for going to lunch with her and she disappears into the office. Jasmine walks upstairs to class, her friends look at her sideways as she goes into class. She sits down next to Fern, Jack and Claudia are sitting behind them at their desks. Jack whispers up to Jasmine “so a pretty girl comes into town and you ditch us?”

Jasmine realizes that she forgot to tell everyone where she was going and they saw her coming in the door with Max.

“No, I just wanted to go on an adventure by myself, y’ know a change of pace,”

Fern says“ well then who was that girl you were with?”

“The new school nurse”

Everyone: “Oooooooh”

Fern: “So that's why I have seen her around before”

Jack: “We have just discovered the new misses miller everyone”

Jasmine: “Hey she is not “the new misses miller”, she is just a friend”

Jack looks at Claudia and Fern “Sure, whatever you say Double action”

Jack would call her this because double action doors swing both ways and Jasmine was bisexual. He liked to tease her about it.

About a month goes by and Max and Jasmine have grown very close they feel like they have known each other forever, they had that instant connection and they never realized it. Every lunch hour they take a walk in the neighboring park together, it's a beautiful place, there is a pond with a fountain in the middle, willow trees and park benches. It was like something out of a fairytale. They would talk there until they had to part ways again to go to school and work. The memory of when they first met became intertwined with new special ones, it felt like one day Max and Jasmine just instantly became friends, like magic.

After lunch Jack and Fern were sitting on the bleachers, Claudia had music class and they had a spare. Jasmine walked up to them and waved: “Hey!” Jack ignored her, Fern waved back, Jack hit her shoulder for doing so. “So you decide to join us? did your girlfriend ditch you?”

“She is not my girlfriend Jack, she is just a friend, she is the school nurse and you know that is wrong”

“Just because something is wrong doesn't stop you, does it , Jasmine? Or have you forgotten? Well, I think I need to remind you that you had no problem breaking the rules with Atlas.”

“ I remember quite clearly…. He was a mistake”

Fern burst into the conversation “ Mistakes don't happen seven times over” She quickly covers her mouth with both hands.

“I know that he was just so dreamy with his black hair and blue eyes, I just couldn't say no.”

Everyone: “We know.”

Jack: “ You almost got raped by him three times because you were too scared to say no to that loser. He constantly cheated on you and he bullied Fern. ”

Jasmine looks down in regret “ Yes I remember no need to remind me.”

Since it’s Sunday and it’s stopped raining, I think I’ll take a bouquet of roses to my grave. My name is Rain, i’m timid, frightful and small. I have ginger, oily hair pulled back to reveal a thin, lively face. Hollow green eyes smooth skin elegantly compliments my eyes and cheekbones. I died two years ago on my 17th birthday. I was walking to school one day and i got shot three times in the chest by a drug lord who was trying to shoot someone behind me. I don't blame him though.

Three years ago i was in school, it was a difficult time for me, everyday at lunch i sat with a group of friends. I hardly considered them friends because i never saw them after school and i never got any moral or emotional help from any of them. If they would have wanted me in there life they would have put me there, i shouldn't be expected to fight for a spot. I went to see the counselor after school on fridays because i’m extremely sensitive and she told me i need to work on my mental health. I told her that i felt like i was alone even in a crowd, ever since my bestfriend died, i never reach out to people if it's not mutual, i don't have friends because of that and she just said to take some pills. I took them for about a week and then i stopped because it was not helping my condition it was making me feel dizzy.

I told one person about how i felt and he just said that it would pass, it's not a big deal, that other people have it worse than i do and that i should be grateful for what i have. That just made me feel horrible , i do realize that some people have it worse than me and that i am very fortunate to have what i have. But none the less what he said to me was bad it was like he said that i shouldn't be happy because they have it better than me. I felt alone even in a group but if someone looked in on my life they would have said i had the perfect one, except for my best friend dieing. I have two parents who love me, we are middle class and i have some acquaintances.

Some months passed and still no luck, i was biking home from school one day and i got lost. I ended up finding a book with strange writing on it i tried to show it to my mother and father but they said that it was empty. That all the pages were blank, but i could see writing on them so i started reading it and i found out that it was a demon summoning book. It had stories of being strong and having faith in yourself it helped me to some extent. I never told anyone about my discovery, it was just my little secret. One night i decided to try it out, i bought some candles and chalk to draw a circle.

It didn't seem like it worked so i put salt around the circle and around my bed just incase and i fell asleep. The next morning i had a giant pink furry devil in my room. It had long pink fur and two big horns, two small horns and giant white claws. I put my head down so my hair could cover my eyes and asked timidly “Hi, my name is Rain what do i call you?”. The pink devil yelled “I’m a shapeshifter and the King of Hell but my contracts call me lucy. State what you wish for but in return i need your soul”. I was caught off guard when it spoke to me i had just thought that it could only speak one language, latin. I responded in a shy manner i whispered “ I-I know the price, my wish is to have a b-best f-friend.”. Lucy yelled back “ I can barely hear you, Is that all you wish for ?” i quietly responded “Y-Yes, i do not wish to anger you”, i was shaking in fear.

Lucy and i played games together about what he could turn into. He could shift into anything i could imagine, though he could not change the fact that he had four horns and pink fur. I told him to turn into a boy and still he had horns and pink hair but his small horns were not visible under his fluorescent pink hair.

Throughout the next few months i grew attached to him, i had no feelings of loneliness, i was always happy in his presence. I was getting better until i remembered things about Tryggr, my best friend who died not long ago, things that tore me apart.some people think it's the bad memories that make us sad but no it's also the happy ones because we know that they will never happen again. I spent nights crying, my back rested on the wall. I had a really hard time expressing myself because in the past no one would listen to me or i couldn't trust them. There is something in me, i can't define but it hurts all the time.

At school it was hard not to run out of class and get out of there. Some days i spent crying in the bathroom stall, on the floor, thinking about the promises she was not able to give me. The thing that got me back up was Lucy he would curl up with me on the floor and let me braid his fur. He would growl because he didn't like it but i knew secretly he did. He would grab me to stop me from flailing and hurting myself on the walls. He whispered thing in my ear “ Look at some point you have to stop being so angry, you have to stop being so sad and you have to stop killing yourself and try to be gentle with yourself. At some point you have to let it all be happy, you have to spread love instead of being afraid of it. you have to love yourself and everything around you before it is too late. Don't waste time over trivial things.”.

We got super close and i thought it was just because it was my wish. One afternoon we were sitting under a tree, he took on the form of a cat the only thing that he could not change about himself was his color so he remained pink sometimes people would approach me just to say that my cat looks weird or something judgmental. He looked so unhappy, i asked him if he was alright and he blurted out “You're going to die in a few months, you are going to get shot.”. I was astonished of what he had told me i murmured back “why are you telling me this?” he told me “you are the only mortal i got attached to, i never knew someone as nice as you, everyone treats me bad and orders me around because i’m a devil but i rarely find someone to be nice to me for a change.”. I felt really special i had no idea how much i impacted him especially since he is the devil and all i was was a contract.

As the months passed he started having more and more pain in his voice when he spoke to me. Soon the time came for me to die he said that there was nothing i could do to stop it or else he would have. I told him that i was afraid and that i did not want to die . “Promise me that you will be there with me when it happens”, i was shot noone could help me now i was so afraid. I was feeling so tired and cold, i coughed up blood “hold on to me please you are all i have” he looked scared for me and even though i was panicking and in the most pain i have ever felt i told him “don't be afraid”.

I woke up in a strange place it was warm with blue fire, pink grass and yellow clouds. Things that looked like monsters flew everywhere, i felt so tiny in this big world. Suddenly this huge monster with sharp teeth and hands that could crush me in an instant, approached me. The thing looked like half lion half dragon and it said to me “ get on me, NOW CHILD!!” i was trembling with fear. It felt like we flew for hours but i could still see the place where i woke up. Below there were giant spiders with monsters even scarier riding them, it was like i was the only person there. When we finally landed i looked up while everyone was bowing. There was a great throne with many steps and the chair was lined with pink fur and fire.

It was lucy he was talking to some other demon and i was crying out of fear but when i saw him i was better. I ran as fast as i could up the stairs to him, i hugged him from behind, his pink fur caressing my face. He yelled out in a fierce voice “UNHAND ME YOU BEAST !!!” i let go of him and he turned around in a rage ready to kill. When he saw me his pupils dilated and he said “ i knew it “ under his voice. lucy grabbed me and held me so tight, i had so many questions running through my mind. i asked him how it was possible and he told me he bent the rules a bit to get me there he said that because i sold my soul to him that he owned me but what most demons do is eat their contract but he decided to keep me. I became second in command in his army i just stood by him to scared to leave because of the nightmares around me. I could command anyone or anything to do whatever i wanted… but i never did.

I have my own room down here, last month i figured out how to go back to the human world. I have said bye to my family and that i can't visit them again because of the rules. If i walk around unnoticed i'm allowed back up so today i'm taking roses to my grave. I tell you this story because sometimes you meet someone and it's so clear to the two of you that on some level you belong together. As lovers or as friends or as family or maybe as something entirely different. you just work whether you understand each other or in love or partners in crime. you meet people out of nowhere or the strangest situations and they help you feel alive. I don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence fate or just blind luck but it definitely makes me believe in something. 

Giant plants surrounded me I was in an immense forest, I suppose I was the size of an ant, if you look closer to the plants every cell was a universe.I had no idea where I was, it felt like reality had shifted.Beyond the plants there was a purple sky, I climbed one of the plants and I began to see all my memories ones I had never seen before. I suddenly realized that this plant was of other universes and dimensions that had me in them, so many versions of reality. I slipped on some sort of fluorescent blue liquid, I was falling but instead of hitting the leaves I went through them. I went from universe to universe, they flashed before my eyes, it was the most terrifying thing I had ever seen. Time felt accelerated and still at the same time. I fell to the ground and hit it with a silent squish as if the ground caressed me, like a trampoline. A being approached me, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, her hair flowed like a river and her eyes were brown with stars glittering in them. She smiled at me and said in a gentle voice “ You better wake up before you forget how to", I gasped awake and all at once the realization that I had been sleeping was clear.