You cut your hair and I fucking hate it. 

Today is the two year anniversary of my ex's overdose.

I wanna know if I'll ever love anyone as much as I loved her, enough to sit in the hospital on Christmas Eve, holding her hand as her brother paced in the hallway, trying to get a hold of their separated parents, trying to explain to their mother to come down from Green Bay, there's been an accident, please dad just call Fred if you're too drunk to drive. I loved her so much that my manic states rubbed off on her you see -- I did this, I'm to blame.

Ever since you've touched me I haven't been able to write. 

I meant every word when I said you didn't belong in my future. 

So I feel like I've been disassociating out of my life recently like ever since K and I broke up over me picking my career and ambitions over her and like ????? 

I just do not know what's going on here.

Like all my satisfaction comes from work and being good at it and I guess it's been like that for awhile so I've absolutely been throwing myself into my career and ABSOLUTELY KILLING IT during my practicals and I am lining up internships and professional gigs and applying for those and I'm planning out what my potential paths are after graduation and like I know what I want, I know where I'm going and yet I feel so empty and I know it probably has something to do with this relationship ending.

Because even though we broke up we talk on occasion but every time I talk to her I just start realizing more and more that I don't think I ever really loved her as much as I said I did. I'm just losing interest and like, yeah, that's fucking awesome to not be heartbroken but at the same time it's like, wow how shitty of me to realize that I basically made this person think that I loved them when in reality I don't think I've felt love for a while. Like I love you and I love my friends and I love my mom but romantic love has not been around for a long time and so poor girl is already hurt over me basically just saying yeah, I don't see you when I think about the future, but she doesn't know that I guess I didn't really love her in the first place which would absolutely crush her but every time she talks to me it's just kind of like... stop? ??? ???? !!! 

I am a bad person!!!!

On top of that whenever I'm flirting or talking to other girls I just have. 

No. 

Interest. 

Whatsoever. 

I like one, maybe two girls right now and one of them is a dancer and she's hot as fuck and funny as fuck but she's also straight as fuck and the other one is one of my roommate's friends and she's like... annoyingly perfect.

And then like yeah I get crushes on people like this girl in my lecture, and this TA, and my boss, and just silly stuff that it's like lmao, you're cute, I'm cute, we vibe, I'd sleep with you but I don't like like them.

But at the same time I don't feel love. I don't feel like I always do when I like someone. I feel how it is in Almost, Maine, when the girl gave all her love to her long term boyfriend and then wanted it back cause she had nothing left to give?? I feel like I wasted all of it on Sam. 

Motherfucking. Sam.

And I still think a part of me loves her, even if it's graduated to platonic love - but a part of me loves her way more than I've loved anyone else and that fucking blows me. I'll always have a soft spot for her and it doesn't fucking help that every time she interacts with me since I left she's physically all over me and complimenting me and basically stroking my ego and trying to get me to hang out with her and it's like !!! dude you are a little sister now stop doing this!!! and yet I still love her!!!

I just don't get it. I don't feel like me anymore and I don't know how I feel about it.

and that's what u missed on glee!