I'm changing the way I see things.
I'm not sure when it started...
If you asked me to try to pin point the moment I realized things weren't as I'd always seen them,
I'd have to say probably the first moment I remember you saying my name.
Almost like it wasn't just any regular name...
But like it had meaning to it.
Like maybe I had some kind of meaning to me?
But how could that be?
I'd never had any meaning.
I'm not sure how to go on about my life now,
Thinking I could be more than myself.
When did I become an actual person?
Instead of a ghost that floats around
Day after day just leaving it's soul around.
See, you make the sun seem brighter,
The sky more full of stars,
And the moon bigger than it's ever been.
I just wish that I could be that for someone.
Instead, I'm the dark clouds that bring in the rain,
The night sky when not a single star is in sight, and the coldest winter night you could ever imagine.
I guess it's easy to see other things differently....just never myself.
I'm building up my walls again.
Oh,
to slather the bricks
one by one
with the means to keep so much stuff out.
I don't use chain link anymore,
It's too easy for stuff to get back in.
I'd rather it all stand on the outside
and have to claw it's way inch by inch towards the top,
just to try to reach me.
Just to finally have something wanting ME.
I want to see it fight.
Fight it's way up and up and up.
20, 30, 50, 100 feet.
All the way into the clouds.
Just to see that once it makes its way to me....
It has to fight like hell to get away.
I carve myself out of the shell of who I used to be.
I pick
And I
Scrape
And I
Cut
And I tear apart
Every little thing that I've never like about myself.
The parts of me I want to erase,
The thoughts that haunt me day after day.
But it seems like all the bad parts is all I'm left with.
Like the good parts get cut loose
And they run across the world,
Just to get away from me.
So I'm left
Sitting with all the things I hate.
Trying to find new ways every day just to end them.
I think I'm finally learning that the more I try to kill them.
The stronger they become,
And one day they will take me over completely.