Inhaling,Exhaling.

It hurt his lungs,and yet he did it again 5 times. And looked again.

In front, the wide horizon curtained in black, under ,the noisy old street lights, cars honking, people shouting-- whining.

He had his stoic look on his face now. He found it strange,but he somehow felt alive with it.

It made him,in a way--free. Ousted from his usual sickly sweet grins and phony glitter woos.

Thoughts entered again, memories flashed. From pastel red to green and then yellow,like butterflies swarming his consciousness. Then it grayed and turned black.

It turned red almost as if it could consume his entirety.

Almost was the word.

And he let it consume him.

His grip on the rail loosened,his feet barely hanging on the brim of the deck .

His head slipping its breaks,the air slapping his face.

He counted one to three,and he scoffed at his own vagary.

Who the hell comes out at 2 midnight on their apartment deck?

Apparently he does.

With one swift inhale, for the last time, he let go of the rail, readied himself for the vast nothingness.

And then he was surprised by the grip on his body,

by the grip around his body.

"What the heavens are you doing?!!" She barked.

He sighed and smiled.

"So tell me what you did, Dyon."

"About what, love?"

He flashed his sweet lopsided smirk, raised the lollipop once more as it met the cheap fluorescent light that hang on the creaking ceiling, he observed the light pass through it and glimmer like crystal. He twirled it a few times put it back in his mouth with a 'pop'.

On the other side of the couch, he looked at her as she furrowed her brows even more, he inwardly thought she looked even cuter despite her obvious fuming and almost frustrated look at him.

"Don't you dare fool me in your loops again you crude,this was just like when you almost

crushed yourself with the van!"

"Ah yes, the van. I wonder which one though?"

Her eyes flashed fury, then she let out an exasperated sigh and buried her face in her hands.

"I'm serious Dyon, what could have had happened if I had arrived later than that?" She raised her head,her eyes,lost. And once again,he wanted to scratch his guts out because of it.

"You could've..died.." She broke into uncontrollable sobs,her small body trembled with it.

And he loathed himself even more now,if that was possible. He suddenly wanted to kill himself again.

He'd do it a thousand times in exchange for this.

He looked at his doll, presumed he forgot to smile so he did. Flicked all his switches off, went to the other other side of the couch and scooped her up in his arms.

"I'm sorry love," sincerely he said, "I won't do it again."

"You always say that." She said between her breaths as she looked up, her eyes tired now.

"You always do."

In return he flashed his lazy lopsided smirk and buried his face in her hair.

Maybe he would do it now, His hands wouldn't tremble even if he wanted to.

He slipped a small knife in his pocket a while ago, and even it wasn't enough to bleed everything up.

It wasn't enough to cut through his soul. He almost sighed.

It couldn't bring him the same pleasure it did in the past. He couldn't even find the pretty splotches of red dripping on the bathroom floor pretty--amusing, even.

He gazed up. The lamp hang around his head too brightly it blinded his vision. He wanted to break it,he wanted it to break him.

Standing up with his fist around the knife, he swung it above, it gained its momentum, made a noise as it clashed with the ceiling-- avoiding the lamp-- and fell downwards--towards him.

He didn't flinch when it scraped his cheek.

Hearing it clang he looked down at it.

Even it wasn't sharp enough. Wasn't brave enough.

Soft knocks on the door calmed the noise on the entire apartment flat at 3 o'clock am.

"Dyon?" A weak voice mumbled sleepily on the other side of the door. "Are you okay?

Terribly fine, sarcasm dripped his thoughts.

"I'm fine love," He exchanged the knife for a patch in the medicine vault. "Just the toothpaste,"

Silence made him wait.

"...Just the toothpaste?" She whispered, her voice surprisingly calm.

Putting the patch on the cheek,he opened the door, and softly looked at her, hoping the dark would cover his face.

"Just the toothpaste, love. Now hurry, you have to sleep." He laid with her on the soft mattress and waited till he could hear her soft breathing again.

He would clean the bathroom floor later, he thought.