I shouldn't have looked at you
When you talked to my brother
Your initial step in my memory.
Not for the second time
When you were standing under
The shade of a tree.
Not for the third time
When you walked like you were
Made just for me.
Not for the fourth time
When you were engaged the whole day
Trying to wear a tie.
Not for the fifth time
When you were coughing so badly
That made me worry.
Not for the sixth time
When you had fun in your friend circle
You being my centre of attention.
Not for the seventh time
When you came on my floor
Something you'd never do.
Not for the eighth time
When you looked like an ice cream
Making me wanna scream.
Not for the ninth time
When your basketball touched my feet
And I ended up behaving like a creep.
Not for the tenth time
When you wore that black sweatshirt
My eyes couldn't help but constantly see.
Not for all those million times
When you were quietly living your life
Like a busy honey bee.
Not for the infinith time
Dreaming about you in my mind
Where I feel totally free.
But imagine if there was no first time
Then what else my crime would be?
24 August 2020
I'm a serial killer
Part by part..
First, I lurk in the darkness of misery
To hit my jolly spirit with a rod
Of regrettable history.
Then I take the unconscious physique
To the grounds of weak.
Slowly, quietly, every encounter
Enhancing my skills to sneak.
Uncovering the clothes of deceit,
I see the anatomy of disbelief.
Ignoring the tears of help,
I gag the mouth of truth
With the cloth of fiction as
I just can't stand the screams of myself.
Looking in the eye with no fear,
Raping the sanity
Making it go crazy with discomfort
And after it dies, I assault it again
To erase the traces of purity.
Maybe I'm necrophiliac to depression
Embracing it with all my affection
Or maybe its just the deceased
Calling me for attention.
Dismembering my emotions
And hiding them in little portions
Is the toughest part of all.
I don't want any witnesses
Especially the ones
With the power to recall.
I do visit the crime scene
And pay secret homage to the victims
But I can't help but smile
Because all my feelings are gone.
I don't remember
When was the last time
That the hopeful light was shone.
Will you come to save me
After all this confessing
Or will you ignore me
And say, "you're just kidding!"?
Whatever your decision will be
It won't change anything as you see
The heinous murders can never be undone
And that's why I'll always be shunned.
Maybe its written in my fate
That whenever I'll pick up a mirror
All I will ever see is a sinful serial killer.
9 October 2020
Your soft touch with strong determination
Strapped my body in place.
Looking through the eyes of conviction,
I saw your graceful face.
Injected with a needle of Midazolam.
You said that I would feel free - from anxiety
But slowly I felt like a little Golem
And as a last resort I behaved with piety.
From the white light of your aura.
Putting our love in doubt,
You brought the box of Pandora.
You came close and whispered,
"Time for Pancuronium Bromide."
Unable to get out of your mesmerizing skin,
I had no other choice but to abide.
Still had hope in you
Until I felt my muscles contract.
The terrifying paralysis
Spreading limb by limb.
I was unable to breath,
Powerless motion accompanied.
Not craved for your body anymore
But for oxygen as my lungs became drier.
I could feel your warm liquids pour
But none contained the love I desire.
You forgot to sedate me properly,
Administered one needle instead of two.
Your voices driven by the lust entirely,
I understood that I was always played by you.
After long minutes of struggling with me,
You got Potassium Chloride.
You were ready to stop my heart,
Sending my nerves for an irregular ride.
Looking at my clothes that laid aside
I wanted to unbuckle and hug them tight.
Remembering the past,
I waited for the final blow.
Thinking about the sorcery you cast,
My soul shivered, stopping the blood flow.
Your happiness was registered in heaven
While my existence presented in hell.
You think you were less than a weapon
While I felt the mutilation of each cell.
For you it was all for a fulfilling erection,
Passing a death sentence for me by
A Lethal Injection.
23 August 2020
He heard my heart
Calling his name
Among other voices
That echoed in his brain.
Getting up from his throne,
He started walking towards me.
His endless cloak of fire
Dragging on the sea.
He ran some distance,
Some he decided to fly.
His eyes of sealed charcoal
Matched the moonless sky.
Reaching my home
After traveling hundreds of miles.
He straightened his clothes
Wearing his crooked old style.
He entered my room
Without knocking the door.
Ignorant of his presence, I
Continued my crying chore.
He kneeled down
″I heard your calling.”
Unable to scream,
My fear began crawling.
Every second his face changed
From foul to fascinating
Like an age old painting filled
With colours nauseating.
His long black hair
Shining with people’s pain.
Every hidden root saying
Abel was murdered by Cain.
His fingers nestling
In the whims of ours.
Devouring every lick,
Snapping every hour.
His robe eclipsing
The sins which revel
From murders to assault
Done in the name of Devil.
Fickly legs being pillars
For the beggar’s deal.
Hands holding the distraught
Punching their Achilles’ heel.
Lustful lips ~ red and loud
Eager ears ~ grey and thirsty
Waiting for excuses.
Those are the things
I heard from various people
But he felt different, something
Like the Sun in winter season.
He held my arms and
Sat beside me on the bed
With so much warmth
I had more tears to shed.
I could hear his dead heart
As I put my face on his chest.
My neck, a piano for his fingers
Pressing keys to relieve my stress.
“Why bad things happen to me?”
“What are you doing here?”
“How am I supposed to live?”
“Do you even care?”
“Why am I like this?”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“How will my situation get better?”
“Do you have any clue?”
Darting these questions at him
Like shooting stars across a field
He said, ”Let me touch your soul
And you’ll soon be healed.”
Quietly, I let him inside.
I was all his to explore.
Nodding at every blink of his
Giving all he asked for.
I started sobbing harder,
The solution was in my reach.
He felt like a caring buddy
With lots of advice to teach.
He put my head on his lap.
Stroking my hair.
My tears dropping on him,
Water sizzling those flares.
″Sshh.. my friend. Don’t cry
I had those same questions
Same feelings of doubt and
It was God who made me
And put me through those adversity
Shouldn’t I be rewarded
When I did everything perfectly?
Doing what was already written
By the one who knows all
So how did I do anything different
Why should I suffer the fall?”
And he continued on
Narrating his days of old glory
I slept listening to his lullaby
And his dejected story.
He left me and flew away
My calm breathing intense
The happiness I always wanted
Was what my soul sensed.
Like the bursting of volcanoes
Under the cold oceans
Explosions of sensations
While the pain gets frozen.
Every kindness in me twisted
Like a rope held by heavy weight.
Every immoral intention
Found an open gate.
Every dream of my life was
Mixed by intoxicating coke
I started loving my existence
Filled with delusional smoke.
I felt satisfying peace as
I had him as my defender
Flying in the sky was the
Smile of a wicked offender.
4 March 2021
Leaving my room
In putrid rage, foggy mind
And conscience at its death bed.
Running to the kitchen
To grab a glass of sparkling air
Smashing it on the wall without fear.
Holding onto every shard,
Feeling the friction of the pieces on
My palm as the static turns into dynamic.
Pleading those chunks to not go
To not leave me like my sanity
Or the way those humans do.
Seeing the blood say goodbye, telling
Me that it’s happy to end this hellish ride.
Dripping drops of crushed character.
Just tears following the fanatic laughter.
Adulterated soul torturing the poor carcass.
Fingers falling with the glass, along
With a strange body & a stranger heart
Strength flowing out, doubts stuck inside.
My family wouldn’t care, friends never did.
Taking me to a doctor is all they will do
Or a simple, “What has happened to you?”
Their laser sharp eyes
Fail to ponder what they see, their
Strong brains disgusted by my crazy mind.
Soon they forget the past,
Thinking I’m back on the right track,
Back to the living prison without any bars.
So I’ll continue counting
The number of breaths stolen by my
Peace because that’s how it’ll live and breed.
Continue gagging on my own sorrow,
Conscious turning pickly sour, while I’ll be
Busy blowing bubbles of my sweet serenity.
Embarrassed at my fiasco attempt, my
Bruised hands desperate to do that again,
Just for them to understand my de facto life.
11 March 2021