an emotional dump about a blonde haired boy
you were yellow like the sun in the early morning.
you were yellow like a chick, barely hatched.
you were yellow like a daisy when you smiled.
you were yellow like a coward when you backed out of kissing me
for fear of not doing it right, or making me uncomfortable
and now i wish to god that you would have.
and i dont know if that would have made this better or worse.
because we stopped talking a few weeks ago
but it feels like months, a year even, and all i can think
about is how i gradually watched you become more
distant, just like the years before because you have no
other way to protect yourself from all the people that
have walked away. it breaks my heart to see
you like this but I have no way of getting through
to you that I’m never going to walk away, no matter what.
but now it’s ten o’clock and I’m crying into my ramen
because everything reminds me of you, even soggy reheated noodles.
when i first met you i honestly
thought nothing of you. knowing
absolutely nothing about someone
is quite a dangerous concept.
they could be wearing their heart on
their torn and tattered sleeve and you
would never see it until later on
down the road. or maybe they'd
be holding a knife to your throat
and you never feel the pain of the blade
until that one evening when they'd had
too much wine and you'd had too little...
but i still remember the way your eyes
found mine, the way we seamlessly
communicated without words even when
we didn't know each other. i asked once
if you believed in soulmates and you
told me you didn't. fate was the thread
of fairy tales but this was real life.
you called it happenstance, a coincidence
that we ran into each other, that we ended
up like this. and i don't know which scares
me more...the fact that we may never
talk again in a few months or the fact
that maybe, just maybe, we were just
happenstance- a happy accident that
occur on our crossing paths.
but how long do our red threads tangle for?
i wish it was for eternity, your hand in mine,
palm against palm, heart to heart, soul to soul.
the doctors said it would take four to five months
but now it's been six to seven months and you're
still as distant as before, farther down the hill, an
empty shell of who you used to be. your smile
isn't the same anymore and it seems that was lost
a long time ago. you still grab my hand and call
me by my special nickname but it's just for show.
you're simply hanging on to the tiny threads that
remain of your past life. i wish it didn't hurt as
much as it did. i know you just want everything to
go back to normal, for you to be better, for life to be
better...but people like us don't get better. we learn
to deal with it like we always have. to find some
way around this obstacle in the road. and maybe,
just maybe, it means you don't make it over this
hill. maybe this is where we part ways until after death.
if that be the case, so be it for a part of me wonders
if it would be better for you to pass on and to leave
us behind to morn and grieve but also to heal and
prosper. these past months have been difficult on
all of us and all i can think about is when will it
be over? oh god, when? i don't know how much
more i could take of this. oh god if i had not made
that stupid promise on a stupid serotonin high, i
could be long since gone. i'd be six feet under,
next to my brother, finally at rest. the bit of my life
that i can recall has been garnished with trauma
and scars...nothing i'm too proud of but i guess
in the end, it is what it is. i just wish, that if
tomorrow were to come, i would not awake
from my sleep but simply continue on.