Author- CJ Britton

I fall in love with the same person every single day. My name is Marisa Julie. MJ for short. I suffer from a memory loss that makes me forget the people around me every single day. My parents say it all started when I was little, I was five years old when I woke up and screamed at the top of my lungs thinking I’d been kidnapped because I didn’t recognize my parents. They took me to the doctor and long story short I can’t remember anyone. I think it is genetic or something but my brother says I must’ve gone on too many roller coasters. My brother is my best friend. People think it’s lonely not remembering anyone but it’s really not. My parents have it narrowed down to a three minute video I watch every morning to remember all the important people in my life. My brother, my parents, my best friends, and my boyfriend. Ok now I’m getting side tracked. I do that a lot, I think I have ADHD but honestly I think I just have too many things to be grateful for, like my dog, and my awesome 80’s rock themed bedroom. Sidetracked, right. Anyway, my brother. He is the sweetest, most genuine person I know. He takes care of me when I’m sad and loves to go on lots of adventures. I love everything about him. His name is Jonah. He makes life fun. One time my mom took us to walmart to get some late night snacks, me and Jonah got separated from her and started having shopping cart races.

There is also Jack. He is my boyfriend of 3 and a half years. I know that's crazy for a 17 year old, but he’s one of the most stable things in my life, apart from Jonah. My boyfriend takes care of me where Jonah can’t, he loves me from sunrise to sunset. If I get into a fight with Jonah I’ll talk to Jack, and if I get into a fight with Jack I’ll talk to Jonah. We all have the best time together, we go to the movies, and go out to dinner, they both get along so well, it makes my heart so happy. Jonah and Jack both understand my memory loss, they are so gentle and gracious when it comes to it, and they both know how to calm me down if I have an episode where my memory resets. Usually it resets around 10 pm, sometimes I’m asleep and sometimes I’m awake. The worst time it happened was when I was out with Jack at a party. He had convinced me it would be fun and it was for the most part. There were about 30 people there and then it reset and suddenly went into panic mode. I had no idea who anyone was and why I would be hanging out with them. I started running for the door and Jack took me aside. I was resisting but he reassured me it was ok, then he played the video as he held my back for support. He let me know he was safe, without intruding on me.

The thing is, it’s hard to remember everything about a person. You can’t put a whole personality into a three minute video, so sometimes I forget why I am with Jack. Then I walk in the hallways of the school, he walks up behind me and puts his hands over my eyes. I lean into his hands feeling the warmth pressure on my eyelids. I listen to the words “guess who” release from his mouth. He lets his hands down as I whip my body around to embrace him. Little things like that. It reminds me why he is so important in my life. It’s not easy to forget everything about a person and still feel in love with them. But for me and Jack, I feel so lucky that I get to fall in love with him every single day all over again.

One Saturday morning, Jack picked me and Jonah up in his baby blue pickup truck. We both hopped in, Jonah a little more excited than me, and we made our way to the beach. It was a 30 minute drive, which felt a bit uncomfortable because we were squished and I was unsure of my connection with this man that was driving me. Jack put his hand out letting me decide if I wanted to hold it, again no pressure from him. I felt more at ease as he did that and I felt my hand guide itself into his. The radio played Ed Sheran which is my comfort artist. As we drove we talked, Jonah told Jack about his stupid English teacher and I listened to them banter back and forth on whose English teacher was worse and what had happened in their experiences. When we arrived at the beach, I was starting to feel more comfortable. We set up our towels, lying them on the sand. The waves crashed against the shore. Jonah decided to go for a swim, me and Jack stayed back and talked. Jack told me the story of how we met in vivid detail, not leaving out anything. He told me my eyes were more beautiful than anything he had ever seen, and that my personality was lighting up the room. Once he found out about my condition he was a little worried by peoples comments. They told him to move on and find anyone else. That he shouldn't bother with someone who would forget him. But he told them there was something about me, something that drew him in. He told me in the 18 years on earth he had never seen a person like me. He said my smile was contagious and that he’d never seen anyone sad around me. I listened to every word that was coming out of his mouth. Not interrupting any words. I blushed at every sentence I heard. I fell in love with him at that moment, all over again.

We decided to look at the clouds so we laid down. I put my head on his chest and followed the rhythm of his breathing. His heartbeat pulsed with mine. I listened to the waves hit the shore, and the sound of children playing in the sand. Jonah decided to splash us, I felt the water hit my dry skin and I sat up in a rush. Jack playfully screamed at Jonah and stood up as fast as he could. Jack chased Jonah into the water, picked him up and threw him deeper into the expanse. Seeing their relationship made my heart so incredibly happy. Another moment that day I fell in love with him.

After the boys dried off we headed to the ice cream shop that was a five minute walk from the beach. They had a two for one scoop deal that day so I decided to get the mint chocolate ice cream with vanilla. Jonah begged Jack to share the EXTREME sunday with him which was 5 scoops, 2 bananas, 15 cherries, topped with whipped cream and crushed peanuts. Jack caved and they both shared the whole entire dish together. I couldn't even finish my two scoops. They both limped to the car feeling like their stomachs were going to explode. We drove around 15 minutes when a bird flew into our window. Jack pulled to the side of the road to check the bird. It was alive but barely. He had some cardboard boxes in the back of his pickup truck left over from work, so we grabbed his towel, wrapped the bird and put it in the box. The whole ride home I held the box on my lap, even though I didn’t feel very comfortable with this creature. But Jack showed how much he cared about other beings, he showed how he could comfort and take care of someone other than himself. Yet another moment I fell in love with him. When we got home my mom kinda freaked out and told Jack to take the bird out of her house. Which I mean is fair.

For Jonah's 15th birthday Jack told him he wouldn't be able to make it and Jonah was absolutely heartbroken. I didn’t really feel anger because I didn’t understand the feeling of missing Jack, to me he was just a person I was supposed to call my boyfriend. But then Jack showed up to the party 30 minutes later with a full gaming system and said that he didn’t want to tell Jonah he was going to be late because he didn’t want him to be suspicious. He went to all that trouble to get Jonah an amazing birthday present and then allowed him to be mad at him just so that it wouldn’t ruin the surprise. Then I understood why I cared about him, because I fell in love with him.

This one time Jonah had broken his arm skateboarding. He had been practicing a kickflip when a truck honked its horn and scared him so much he flew through the air falling on his arm, twisting it in the most uncomfortable way. My parents drove him to the hospital and I grabbed a ride from my friend to visit them. Once I got there I asked them what room he was in and they told me he was staying in the room at the end of the hall. As I made my way into the room my eyes locked with Jack and I saw my family each enjoying their favorite sub from Subway. Turns out Jack was in the area when I called him to tell him about Jonah, so he went to Subway, remembered each family member's order of sub and then drove to the hospital to make sure everyone had a full stomach. I didn’t realize how caring he was, I fell in love with him at that moment.

Another time Jack and I went to the drive in's he had set up the whole back of his truck into a cosy little bed for us. It had an air mattress with plastic candles and LED twinkle lights that bordered the bed. It had my favourite fuzzy blanket from his house and he even bought me a brand new teddy bear that he told me was our new child that we had to share custody of. He bought all my favourite snacks and a iced tea with two straws for us to share. The whole movie we whispered talked and I just laid in his arm the whole time, listening to his breathing. Seeing that he cared so much about me and wanted me to feel so loved made my heart jump. I fell in love with him.

One day Jack got one of the worst news someone could get. His mom had gotten into a collision while driving home from grocery shopping at Walmart. Jack rushed to the hospital practically matching the speed of the ambulance. The paramedics rushed his mom into the ER and immediately put her on life support. Jack broke down when he got there. His emotions were absolutely consuming him. The hospital staff escorted him out of her room so that she could get some rest. I had just done my homework when I got the call, I asked my parents for a ride and we drove to the hospital. I rushed through the hospital doors and made my way to the waiting room where Jack was sitting. I held Jack in my arms allowing him to make my shirt his personal handkerchief. The doctors came out and filled me in on the severity. There was a 45% chance that she would make it. The situation was more serious than I had originally thought. That night Jack slept at the hospital on one of the waiting room chairs, letting his mom get the rest she needed. The next morning my brain was foggy. I remembered something serious happening the day before but the details were blurry. I watched the usual video and made my way downstairs to get ready for school. Nothing was really weighing me down because I had no personal connections to the event of the previous day, when my mom explained to me what happened in more clear detail. The rest of the day felt off, but not super unsettling. After school I had a doctor's appointment and a bunch of homework, there was nothing pulling me to visit Jack in the hospital so I just stayed home. His mom was looking better already and the doctors said it was a miracle, but not to get his hopes up just yet.

I woke up the next morning, refreshed my brain again and headed out for the day. Once I was home my mom told me I should visit Jack in the hospital, and I didn’t really understand why. I didn’t feel sorry for him because I didn’t really know him. But she insisted and drove me to the hospital. Once I got there Jack walked fast towards me to embrace me, I stepped back when he leaned into a hug and his face immediately dropped. He had been waiting for me all day because he was so heartbroken about his mom, and when I backed away it felt like a stab in the back. Jack broke down and begged me to remember. He told me he really needed me and really needed me to remember our relationship. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. He then gave up and went to go sit beside her hospital bed. I went to sit down in the waiting room when a memory came up on my phone. It was one of those “this day last year photos” and it was me and Jack at the movies. There was a picture of our movie ticket, a picture of us at the movies and then a screenshot of a message from him that night. It explained all the things he loved about me. About how he wants to spend forever with me. How he loves my company and no one makes him smile as much as I do. My heart immediately started. The feelings I had for him came rushing back, I fell in love with him all over again. I rushed into his mom’s hospital room and embraced him in a hug, I let him just sob uncontrollably in my arms. I told him I remembered and we talked for the rest of the day into the night. His mom was finally feeling stable. A couple more days in the hospital and she was good to go home. She needed a lot more assistance but Jack took off some time at work to make sure he could be with her. I let Jack lean on me for support. It was hard to feel compassion towards him sometimes because I didn’t feel like my emotions were fully there for him but my heart knew what my brain didn’t. It knew I was in love with this person.

The next few weeks went by, me and Jack connected on levels I didn’t even know existed. The other day at school there was a new boy. He had joined our class and spoke a foreign language. He didn’t connect with anyone and kept to himself for the most part. When I told Jack at lunch he and I walked to the cafeteria instead of what we usually do for lunch which is go to the mall food court. I pointed him out, he was sitting at a big table with no one coming close to him. Jack went up to him and introduced himself. The kid looked up with a big smirk on his face. He told him his name was Jose and he just moved here from Mexico. His dad recently lost his job and was looking for a new one. An opportunity opened up here and a relative was in the area anyway. He wasn’t the best at English but Jack took him under his wing, invited him to lunch and they talked all afternoon, in chemistry and gym class. We all went to the animal park after school and Jack was helping Jose with all the English words of the kinds of animals. My heart lit up and I fell in love with him all over again.

The last date we went on was a couple days ago. Jonah had gotten done from school early and Jack had a spare so he picked him up and they went for Mcdonalds while I was stuck in Math class. Jack dropped Jonah off at home and then picked me up from the school. We drove an hour and a half out of town to an apple orchard. We talked the WHOLE way. Once we got there, there was an older gentleman who explained the rules of the orchard and the history. He explained it had been runned through his family for generations and he was just living out the family tradition. He told us to be gentle to the land and make sure we were aware of our surroundings. Me and Jack made our way into the trees with our baskets and started picking the apples. When our baskets were around half full the older gentleman who was driving his tractor the row behind us made a worried sound and then the tractor motor made a huge thumping noise and came to a sudden stop. Jack stopped picking apples and immediately went to help the man. We spent three hours there, while Jack helped him fix up the tractor. I fell in love with this man again. The older gentleman then invited us into his house for a thank you dinner and his wife had already started a fresh apple pie that was cooking in the oven. We sat down at the table and talked to the couple for hours. They let us take home the apples for free and thanked us for the help. I fell asleep on the way home and Jack helped me out of his truck once I got home. We kissed goodnight as I made my way into the house. At that moment I rushed into my bedroom to write about the experience so I would never forget it. I am so grateful for these moments. Without my diary to write them down in, I think I’d just forget them all. Having a list of reasons to love someone might seem inhumane. Even if I didn’t have the list I’d still fall in love with him. He seems to make me fall in love with him every single day, and for that I’m the most lucky girl.

(All fiction, facts are not checked)

UGHHHH, this morning made me so overwhelmed. I woke up at my usual time, watched my normal video and then headed downstairs for breakfast. I watched my mom cook some eggs and asked if I could have some. I sprinkled some salt and pepper on them and then tied my shoes ready to head off to school. I grabbed a ride from Jack who was in a bad mood because his mom needed him to drive her two hours away the afternoon before for a specialist appointment that didn’t go the best. He was so exhausted. He usually is great at helping me feel comfortable around him in the mornings since I don’t understand our relationship fully, but this morning his body was consumed in this annoyance. He was so focused on how last night went he sped the whole way to school and didn’t say a single word to me. When we got there he just shut his door aggressively and headed to his first class. I felt so lost and confused. I didn’t feel comfortable around anyone so I just felt so out of place. I was walking to my locker when a random girl walked up to me and said my shirt wasn’t matching my pants. I assumed maybe she was a friend that was just giving me styling advice so I tried to muster out a “thank you” even though I wouldn't usually for a comment like that. She snared at me and told me I should burn my closet, ok… so definitely not a friend. Then Jazie walked up to me (she was in the video) and asked how my morning was. I filled her in and told her about the interaction I just had with that random girl. She asked me to point her out and I did. Then she goes on to explain that that’s Ashley and she has been bullying me for the past couple of weeks after she realized Jack wasn’t single. Which doesn’t make sense, me and Jack are not a new thing, how did she not know? I brushed it off and sorta thanked my memory loss for blocking Ashley out of my mind. I headed to math class and when I walked in I saw Ashley sitting on top of my assigned desk. I walked up and asked her politely to move and she wouldn’t. I felt so scared and alone, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know where to sit, I didn’t know who any of these people were. Then this 6ft tall boy walked up to Ashley, gave her a kiss on the cheek and whispered something to her. She looked at me in disgust, and slowly stood up staring at me the whole time. She walked away and the boy followed. He then turned around and winked at me with a stupid smirk on his face. Ugh these people, thinking they are star citizens for helping out the challenged girl. Does he want a medal or something?! Then the teacher walked in, told us to take our seats and to pay attention. I sat in my seat and didn’t realize he was a supply teacher. I don’t remember teachers so when there is a supply it just looks like my normal teacher. He took attendance and since I was sitting in the front he kept asking me how to pronounce names or asked me where people sat. I was so confused on why he was asking me, shouldn’t my teacher know that? When I told him I didn’t know, he got mad at me and thought I was just making his job hard. When people tried to explain what was happening, he kept telling them to be quiet and told me it was my responsibility to help him. I was so lost and shed a tear. He kept getting louder and more sturn when finally a student stood up and forced him to listen to him explain why I was being so “difficult”. He apologized, not very sincerely, and then asked another student to help instead. After attendance he wrote his name on the board and then everything made sense. I kept my head down for the whole class and stayed quiet for my next one. At lunchtime Jack texted me saying he needed to head out for lunch to help his dad at work, so we didn’t go out like we usually do. I sat at a lunch table with Jazie and just kept my eyes on my phone the whole time. The rest of the day was brutally slow, the events from this morning replaying in my head. Why would someone bully me for my boyfriend being unavailable? Is Jack usually this distant? Why was the teacher so against me? I texted my mom at the end of the day to come pick me up. Once she noticed I was quieter than normal she asked what was up, I told her it was a long day and turned my head towards the window trying to escape from the reality of the day. I got home, headed to my room and decided to write. Writing is such a huge therapy for me, it helps me remember the great memories and helps me think through the bad ones. Oh.. I just got a message from Jack, he said he is sorry for being so annoyed this morning and asked if I wanted to come play a game with him and his mom. I think I will say no, today seems like a bubble bath and Netflix type of day. Nap first though, always nap first.