I came to you broken

broken in half

in my unique way

but still we could laugh

You were broken too

you could see that, right?

in your unique way

you hid with all your might

We came together

and formed a conclusion

we could piece ourselves together

in this foolish delusion

link your problems to mine

and mine to yours

but wound up with more

crying on the floor

Take a step back

to see and to find

we can find our own pieces

together and walk the line

No need to force it together

no need to pick or pry

hand in hand we can walk

help to cling to pieces when passing by

Like veins creeping up

to get a taste of the sun

It may seem abrupt

but you’ve already won

Building blocks for another

showing your kindness through

Revealing respect for a brother

sisters and strangers too

Like a vessel squeezing tight

to conserve what’s within

You don’t need to shine bright

to ensure we all win

You care and you love

and while it doesn’t seem much

Just know it’s enough

for the plants, the humans and such

the needles pierce throughout

pins hook into every inch

Don't know what life's about

shoved forcibly into a ditch

all sensations amplified

each nociceptor yells

All cells have been fried

you might just be in hell

Addicted to the lie

It hits the tastebuds just right

Sweet on the tip of your tongue

but bitter down the throat

You choke on the words

but still let them pass

People will hear what they want

so the lie isn't hard to pull off

Your eyes don't even have to agree

with what comes out of your mouth

Easy, too easy

concerning you more

pushing you further down

than where you were before

and still you can't get enough

of sharing this lie

even when it leaves you rough

yearning to die

#lies #random #poetry

Sometimes I leave a bit early

Just to sit in the car

A little bit longer

Just to stand in the cold

In the peace and quiet

Until the numbness takes over

And my outsides match what's within

Sometimes I'd rather stare at a wall

Over doing something

Over doing anything

Like a robot, frozen in action

Absent-minded restlessness

Until something jolts me back into consciousness

And my mind floods with counterproductiveness

Sometimes I'll laugh

It'll seem I'm enjoying it

but in reality

in the back of my mind

The thoughts aren't very humorous

Until the laughter breaks

And the thoughts rush to the front

Sometimes I'll smile

But I'll never really mean it

Until...

Old and New

Forever learning, often concerning

Inspired still, thanks to you

Two steps forward, one step back

Three to the side, now lost, in fact

Exploration of this new city

Aching to be some Walter Mitty

Adventures come, but then they go

What am I doing, who's to know

#lost #adventures #new #challenges #exploration

If I could feel no pain for one week. If I could forgo the pain of knowing the hurt I'd cause by leaving. If I could be ignorant of the effects of my actions. If I felt nothing as I switched places with my loved ones to consider how I'd feel in their shoes. If I could painlessly consider my mother's face as she held my hand on the hospital bed. If I could listlessly watch my father's tear-stained face as he carried my lifeless body to the car. If I felt no pain, and could think about my friends thinking about what I'd done. I'd end my life.

Fear. Chest heaving. Heart throbbing. Palms sweating. Stomach flipped. Mind racing.

A necessity for life, but the possibilities of what sets it off are limitless. Each person’s fears more unique than the next. There are commonalities with everyone’s fears, sure, but we are each different in our own permutation of fears. I may fear X, Y, and Z while you fear X, Q, and Z. Yes, we can relate, but to what extent? My fear of Z is increased by my worry surrounding Y. Each combination of fears is unique, just as every combination of personality traits, experiences, dreams.

While many may be scared of things like sharks, bears and guns, most of us are more afraid of things like death, not finding love, or failure. Snakes and motor vehicle accidents are frightening, no doubt. They can kill you, and this is an accepted fact. People talk about this often, and there are even books, movies and articles on these subjects, and on what to do to survive the situation. People do talk about their other, less tangible fears. But this is less common, and less accepted. It usually occurs in the most intimate of settings, or occassionally, with strangers when someone has had too much to drink. For many though, it seems like these deep, complex and invisible fears are truly more terrifying. The fear of failure, of not being good enough, of dying alone, of ruining a work project or a relationship.

We accept human differences, at least to an extent. Fear, though. It’s something we want to understand and something we hope will be understood. Culturally, there are different fears and we are not always so understanding of another’s fears. Sometimes, an understanding of our fears, or having our own validated, can be life altering. Even life saving.

Our inability to connect or ever fully understand another is jarring, heartbreaking, painful and isolating. Many of us fear being alone, so this isolation is frightening in itself. It’s this vicious cycle that no one can break. Opening your heart and disclosing your innermost fears to someone can be such a breath of fresh air, and the person may even join you and relate to you. You may strengthen your connection over this, but odds are that you left something out. You still feel mildly isolated and now slightly uncomfortable. Your thoughts and fears still wreck havoc, dancing loudly on your cortex.

You start to think about your fears a lot, no reason in particular, but now you have become a “worry-wart”. You worry about deadlines, about the future, about others and about inconsequential things, but you can’t shake the worry. You’re hooked on this fear, and its hooks are on you. Your slight discomfort has now become an exhausting feature. You never feel truly comfortable, and now you’re constantly shifting, hoping this shift will put your thoughts back at rest.

Your most abstract of fears trickle down into your life. Your work, your play. All compromised. You feel utterly on edge. Look down, you’re actually on the edge of your seat. Your foot is tapping. Hoping to God that the motion of your foot attracts the racing thoughts. Moves them far away from your brain, out of your line of sight. Anything to end your speculations. Shut it off, quiet it down. Brain constantly working, so in reality nothing is working. Overdrive, overwhelmed. All the time.

No sleep, half dead, wide awake.

Eye twitching, stomach turning. Your mind is somehow numb and hyperaware simultaneously. Your comprehension is succumbing to nothing, but with the slightest noise you jump sky high. Your roommate walks out of their room, and you noticably flinch. Someone says something behind you, you whip around. Something falls, you gasp. Your reactions are uncontrollable, but you stopped processing days ago. Mind still racing, becoming more and more abstract and hyperbolic. There doesn’t seem to be any slowing down.

Sounds are muffled. Vision blurry. Did you eat today? Did you keep it down? What projects were you supposed to get done today? You swear each and every one of your thoughts has a mallet on your brain’s lobes. Hammering them down and smushing them into nothing. Your brain feels completely vacant and yet there is still so much noise. Your breath is out of control. Lie in bed. All night, hyperventillating. You feel insane. You cannot stop these ideas, these notions. Each more absurd than the last. How did you get here? Where are you?

Fear. Chest heaving. Heart throbbing. Palms sweating. Mind racing. Mind blank. Mind twirling. Mind unsteady. Stomach clenched. You’re frustrated. All the time. Upset over how your thoughts are working these days. Fearful of only yourself it seems. The fear itself is truly what you’re fearing, what you’re dreading. A sense of apprehension is driving your body. Your blood is thick with anxiety, and you are now streamlining fear throughout. Your legs work slower. Your arms feel heavier. Your stomach is empty but never hungry. You haven’t slept in weeks. Your thoughts won’t let you. They continue to dance around your head. Now, they are only partially formed. You can’t think of anything worse. Your thoughts still behave like Olympic sprinters, yet your processing is at an all time low. Your productivity nonexistant. Days drag on. Your brain is using up all the energy you have. Total lethargy.

Your thoughts are eating you alive. You day dream without really day dreaming. You just stare of into space. For minutes, for hours. Your roommates hand waves in front of you. No reaction. It’s all you can do at this point. Sit, lie and stare at whatever is in front of you. You are so afraid of your own mind. Your thoughts still weave around your gyri and sulci.

Gasping for air. Eyes swollen. Dry mouth. With your body moving slower than ever, your brain only feels even faster. The self hate pours in, and self esteem drips out. You are lower than low. Completely drained. You know how foolish most of your fears are, but this only makes it worse.

Fear. Heart pittering. Palms cracked. Mind desolate. Stomach hollow. Dark thoughts left dancing.

#anxiety #fear #thoughts #brain #nonfiction

You had the wild look about you

I wanted in to see what was true

How dare you try and tame me though

I want for you to please just go

I didn't mean to tame you

Initially I only asked your name

But it was all in your eyes

The calm in your lies

If you were so sure

Then why even endure

In that moment you made me doubt

What I was even truly about

I'm sorry for what I did

And for all that I hid

It doesn't even matter

This is only chatter

The wild within that I knew

Is now seeping and spilling through