There are jokes and then there are jokes, but when
you can tell one in just one line, it's more
than enough to cause a ripple of laughter
to break out of you.
These are my favorite five of all time.
Plus one added as a bonus.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather…
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the ceiling.
Light travels faster than sound, which is the
reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation
toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.
I guess I was stoned off my ass.
I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought,
‘That sounds like a fair trade.’
This is not my story; it's a (true) story from a friend's family, but it's one of my favorite funny stories.
A young couple sits in church as their little boy squirms in his seat. His parents scold him and tell him to pay attention. The little boy hones in on one particular phrase from the pulpit: "We are but dust, and to dust we shall return."
The boy stewed on this for a while, and when church was over, he tugged on his mother's sleeve. "Mommy, why did the pastor call us 'butt dust'?"
The Glass Door
It's Fourth of July,
we got together with our neighbors,
who are like an extension of our family.
Before they come over,
I help my mom clean our house.
She cleans the sliding glass door
leading to our backyard
because it was pretty gross,
decorated with dog slobber streaks,
some old, some new.
A few hours later,
our house is clean,
clean enough you could,
eat off of the floor
(not that you would want to,
we still have messy two dogs, you know).
Guests start filing through our garage door
and the party begins.
Because the weather here
in this desert of a home
is so unbelievably hot,
the misters and the cold pool
do nothing to cool us off,
we decided cold beers and sodas
were the best way to go.
We have a few side tables that are coolers,
perfect for the occasion,
so we sent my neighbor Nick
to run inside and fetch some ice.
I remember talking to someone,
standing in my living room,
when Nick walks by with our ice tray.
Nick runs right into the sliding glass door,
which he thought was open
because it was crystal clear.
Ice spills all over the wooden floors,
shattering into hundreds of little pieces;
my dogs go crazy,
ice cubes are their favorite.
which was alive with the chatter
of old friends
and music playing over the speakers,
suddenly gets dead silent
except for the music,
which keeps playing.
We were all in shock
for a good five seconds,
asking ourselves if that really just happened.
it was the best thing I'd see
for the rest of the night.
Forget about the fireworks
we planned to light later that night.
The only thing I needed
to make the night memorable,
or even entertaining,
was watching Nick
and a couple other clueless people
run into that sliding glass door.
Schadenfreude: I annoyed ’er.
At the theme park, the swings can't be beat.
Up you go now, in your hanging seat.
But your pleasure might not be complete
when your flipflops fly right off your feet!
Pleasure ground, yay! Our friends were in town.
On the flume ride of acclaimed renown,
as we dropped, my friend began to frown!
Her mom's wig, FLOWN! Just her hair, 'pinned down'!
I must say I could not help but ROAR!
She looked FUNNY! What are good friends for?