Hidden beneath a wooden bench, Butch silently watched the park attendant stroll past. The human, completely oblivious to Butch’s presence, whistled tunelessly as it disappeared into the night.

Now that the coast was clear, Butch slunk out and crept gracefully to the statue at the middle of the rose garden. He knew he was not alone; he could feel unseen eyes on him. From behind the statue a long snout appeared, the dark eyes above glaring at Butch. A low rumble sounded, and Butch knew the barking would start a moment later.

Leaping toward the shadowy figure, Butch hissed, ‘You can stop that now, Tiddles. Don’t want to alert the human, do you?’

The dachshund trotted forward. It was a full two seconds before her back legs appeared.

‘It’s a French name, Butch,’ she said, ‘you know that. It’s pronounced Tid-lay.’

‘Okay,’ the cat scoffed. ‘And my name is Boo-tch,’ he added sarcastically.

‘Did you come alone?’ Tiddles asked.

‘I did,’ Butch answered. ‘But you didn’t.’

Tiddles looked blankly at Butch for a moment, then turned her head. ‘It’s okay, boys,’ she called out. ‘You can come out.’

A Doberman and an Old English Sheepdog padded into view.

‘We were hidden good, yeah?’ the Doberman asked energetically. ‘He didn’t see us, no? Just guessed, yes?’

‘I couldn’t see you,’ the Sheepdog drawled.

‘You can’t see anything with that fringe, Scratch,’ Tiddles said. ‘And Sniff, you need to calm down. We may be here some time.’

‘Okay, boss,’ Sniff said. ‘But while you working, can I play with them?’ He bounced over to a rose bush and stuck his nose into it. A hellish hiss came from the bush. Sniff yelped and hurried back to the safety of Tiddles and Scratch, a superficial claw mark on his nose.

‘Primp!’ Butch yowled. ‘Why did you do that?’

A ginger cat walked nonchalantly from the roses. ‘He wanted to play,’ Primp answered. ‘I thought we were playing slapsies.’

‘You said you were alone,’ Tiddles whined at Butch.

‘I’m a cat,’ Butch replied. He would have shrugged is his shoulders allowed it. ‘Aloof and alone is how I live. I just happen to be alone with these two.’

‘Two?’

Butch mentally scolded himself. ‘You might as well come out, Preen.’

A third cat, this one black as night, came into view and leapt onto the statue’s plinth. Without a word, she curled up and went to sleep.

‘Is that it?’ Tiddles asked. ‘Are we finally done with surprise guests?’

Butch sensed they were still being watched but decided not to say anything at that moment. If Tiddles had another accomplice in hiding, better that she believed it still a secret. It would work in Butch’s favour to be seen as prepared when the dog revealed her subterfuge.

‘Yes, it’s just us,’ he said. ‘Shall we get down to business?’

‘I think we should. We at the Project for Exploring The Stars are demanding that you relinquish your claim over humankind and allow us to correctly guide their future.’

Butch blinked slowly, his face passive.

‘And why do you think the Planetary Evolution Through Support would kowtow to such a laughable request?’

‘As a species, cats are inferior to dogs in every way,’ Tiddles answered. ‘In addition to this, there have been recent public embarrassments which have lowered your standing as man’s best friend.’

‘We’ll circle back to that “inferior” comment in a moment,’ Butch said calmly. ‘As for being “man’s best friend”, that is not an accolade we cats desire. Humans are creatures who need our help; we have no use for their friendship. But first, let’s discuss this public embarrassment you mentioned. Would you care to elaborate?’

‘It’s quite simple, really, and can be explained in just two words: Keyboard Cat.’

Tiddles raised her head smugly. It seemed she already believed she had won the debate.

‘I’m afraid I don’t follow,’ Butch said.

‘Keyboard Cat,’ Tiddles repeated. ‘You know. Keyboard Cat.’

‘Just because you say the same words over and over, it doesn’t make them any clearer. Perhaps you could use some other words to help me understand?’

‘But, Keybo-’ Tiddles shook her head in frustration. ‘The internet meme. Keyboard Cat. It’s a cat playing a keyboard. Hence the words “keyboard” and “cat”.’

‘Cats can’t play the keyboard,’ Butch stated, straight-faced. ‘We don’t have thumbs.’

‘I know.’ Tiddles rolled her eyes. ‘It’s obviously made to look like the cat is playing the keyboard. It’s supposed to be funny.’

‘Oh.’ After a pause, Butch added, ‘Hilarious?’

Though he did not let it show, Butch was proud of his acting ability. Of course, he knew about the dreadful meme. It had been around for over ten years, used and overused for the humans’ delight.

‘Though I do wonder,’ he continued, ‘if it’s as funny as say… Jiff Pom?’

Primp looked up from her cleaning and sniggered. Scratch lowered his head and placed his paws over his nose, as though trying to hide.

‘You know about Jiff Pom?’ Tiddles asked meekly.

‘With over ten million followers, it would be hard not to have heard about the Instagram canine legend. Could it be that being dressed up and photographed over and over and over again is less embarrassing than one video footage which, by your suggestion, was faked?’

‘Call it a draw?’

‘Well, I hardly think-’ Butch began.

‘It’s a draw,’ Tiddles interrupted.

‘Okay,’ Butch consented. ‘Now, I think you also said that cats are inferior to dogs.’

Tiddles’ eyes brightened. ‘Yes. That is true.’

‘Well, I think you’re confusing the word “inferior” with “superior”. That would make the statement true. The fact that I know the difference between the two words proves cats’ superiority.’

Tiddles opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it – and closed it again.

‘I’ll give you a moment for your inferior brain to catch up,’ Butch said.

‘I know the difference between “inferior” and “superior”,’ Tiddles said. ‘I also know the difference between “affected” and “effected”, and “there”, “their” and “they’re”.’ As an aside, she added, ‘I don’t know the difference between “liar” and “politician” though.’

‘No one does,’ Butch admitted before he could stop himself.

‘But that’s by the by,’ Tiddles said hurriedly. ‘The point is, dogs are the humans’ best chance to travel beyond their solar system.’

‘Nonsense,’ Butch countered. ‘It universally known that the dominant indigenous species will leave it’s home planet only once it has fully evolved. That is why we cats came to this planet all those millennia ago.’

‘You came as sabre-toothed monstrosities.’

‘Yes. And we immediately taught the humans of the time the importance of sharp tools, safety in numbers and efficient hunting. Without us, they’d still be eating raw plants and living nomadically.’

‘I must respectfully disagree,’ Tiddles argued. ‘When we arrived on this planet-’

‘As wolves,’ Butch interjected.

‘Yes, when we arrived on this planet as wolves, it was us who taught the humans the importance of the pack. We instilled in them the knowledge of hunting as a team. When we howled to the moon, we lifted their eyes to the skies and planted aspirations of interstellar travel.’

‘I suppose you also believe Laika headed the Sputnik space programme,’ Butch goaded.

‘You leave her name from your mouth. She was a hero to the world.’

‘And yet, there was no plan to return her to Earth. Ten years earlier, even fruit flies were afforded a parachute. Could it be that humans have more regard for insects than dogs?’

Tiddles bared have teeth. ‘I warned you,’ she snarled.

At their commander’s aggression, Scratch and Sniff perked up and emitting low growls. Primp and Preen (awake in an instant) quickly flanked Butch, backs arched and tails fluffed up.

‘Stop.’

Though just a squeak, the word was striking enough to stay the dogs and cats. They looked around in confusion.

‘Up here.’

Lifting their heads, the cats and dogs looked up to the creature sitting on the statue’s head. It looked like a ball of white cotton with large dark ears and black beady eyes.

‘It’s a small rabbit,’ Sniff said.

‘It’s a large mouse,’ Primp offered.

‘I am a chinchilla,’ the watcher corrected. ‘You can call me Andie.’

Butch realised this creature had been observing them all along, the one he had sensed earlier.

‘We’ve been monitoring you for some time,’ Andie said.

‘We?’ Butch asked.

’The Protection of Extra-Terrestrial Species. We’ve been aware of your presence since you first came to Earth and have allowed you to continue your petty rivalry because you both bring good qualities to humankind.

’Tidlay, you and your kin offer unparalleled affection and companionship. Butch, you and your kind provide busy humans with a sense of being needed. Without either of your species gracing the humans, their journey through the world would have been much different; harder, lonelier, less joyful.

‘Though individual humans may be cat people or dog people, the race as a whole needs both of you. You should not clash with one another but continue to serve the humans of Earth in way that best suits your strengths.’

‘And why should we listen to a rodent such as yourself?’ Butch asked.

‘Something you said yourself, Butch. “It universally known that the dominant indigenous species will leave it’s home planet only once it has fully evolved.” You remember?’

‘I do,’ Butch answered. ‘So you agree that cats should be the ones to lead the humans off this planet?’

‘Not at all,’ Andie said. ‘We need both felines and canines to entertain the humans, keep them busy if you will, to allow we chinchillas to fully evolve. We are, after all, the true dominant indigenous species of this planet.’

A dog is happy when their owner smells like food

a cat expects to smell flower scent while it poo.

After a tumble a dog is always ready to meet and greet

a cat must stay prim and proper and always land on its four feet.

At the end of the day a dog sleeps like a log

while a cat however wishes it were the dog.