You've come to my place of business to comeplete a specific task.

Get off your phone.

You expect me to wait around for you to be finished, like I have nothing else to do

Get off your PHONE

You are speaking loudly, as if you don't know, or likely care, what an indoor voice is

Get off YOUR PHONE

Oh, you're done but I'm not expectantly waiting at your beck and call? So you'll just pick it up again and start another...are you f&%$($$

Get OFF YOUR PHONE

You are still in my place of business to complete a specific a task and I would REALLY like to get your ass out of here as soon as humanly possible. I notice that you've finally put down your phone so I swoop in. Ok sir, we're almost done. Is that? Did you just? I am GOING TO GET FIRED IN A MINUTE

GET. OFF. YOUR. GODDAMN. PHONE. OR. GET. OUT. OF. MY. STORE.

Why are there so few hours in the day? My manic self tells me that taking 16 college credits, changing jobs, starting work study, raising 4 kids, and doing field experience is fine. I am fucking incredible! My depressed self wants to kill my manic self. My stable self is highly concerned about both of my other selves.

WHY does Bipolar disorder

have to disrupt my entire life?

WHY does manic me

get to call the shots?

WHY does depressed me have to

cash the checks

that manic me can’t cash?

Why can’t stable me

call the shots once in awhile?

I would like to spend one day in the head of myself where stable me calls the shots and the other selves are copesthetic and everything is fine and dandy, and feelings feel appropriate for a situation and the thoughts don’t have to run so fast, and focusing on one of the 47 projects I started this week got finished and the anger and rage that “good morning” and “Love you!” didn’t feel so strong because maybe, just maybe they actually mean it.

″ I usually rant about the weather, that is currently raining continuously and without full stop. My heart is longing for a nice walk in the park, but I am stuck perpetually at home, lost in my thoughts. I Pick up a book, but I am not pleased with the cover. I stall my reading for another day. No matter what I do, my heart and mind are not in sync about the situation. Just a bleak and bland day where I am enjoying the view outside the window, waiting for the glimmer of hope, my happy sunshine. Loud blaring music plays in the background while a hot cup of tea is on the waiting list.

#writingchallenge, #lovetowrite

I have a great life compared to many. I've probably sinned or something for having so many complaints, even when I'm so lucky. But I complain anyway and I don't know how to repent. Here's my rant I guess-

Today started out by sleeping through my alarm. And of course mom was doing the night shift so she wasn't there to wake me up so I woke up late so my sister woke up late and I barely slept at all the night before. Then when I got dressed I realised I don't have any clean clothes so I need to do laundry but I hate doing laundry. Then I realised my whole room was a mess and I need to clean that too but I'm just to lazy and I shouldn't be because so many people around me are hardworking but I just don't really see the point. I do want a job though, at least over the summer. An internship would be good too and they have internship programs at my school but I'm too young and my mom would never let me. Speaking of school my parents are trying to make me join clubs so I'm going to do chess which I like but I might not be good enough compared to everyone else and I'm also going to do Model UN but I'm mostly doing it because it looks good on a college resume. Anyway, they STILL want me to do more extracurriculars but there are so many people and none of them are interesting but if there was a newspaper or literary magazine club I would adore doing that but there isn't one. I want to ask the staff about starting one because they said you can start clubs if you fill out the paperwork and get enough people and a faculty advisor but I don't know if anyone would actually do that for me and I couldn't run a club anyway. Speaking of running, I have health the first half of the year and gym/track the second half and you have to run a mile within a certain time frame and I'm the absolute worst at sports and running and I hate all athletics but I have health right now but I'm still scared of that because we're doing a mental health unit soon and I don't want to because I hate talking about mental health because everyone says the same thing how you should go to a therapist or talk to people and they don't understand how hard that really is. Today I was slouching and apparently I looked really depressed which I do a pretty good job of hiding from people I know but today I feel worse than usual and my anxiety has been worse lately too but anyway the guy next to me was like, "Stop slouching, you look depressed" and I just wanted to strangle him because he has no idea what goes on in my head. What made it even worse was that one of my friends asked me if I was okay and I said yes and I'm usually fine with lying but I feel guilty now but I think that my friend may have known I at least had anxiety anyway but there were just so many people in that room and all the noises were so loud and the teacher kept asking questions and I knew the answers and when I raised my hand the girl near me said to raise my hand higher and I just can't because I don't want to draw attention to myself but I want a good grade in the class. And speaking of class we did sketching in engineering and I had just wanted to relax and take notes that day but anyway I didn't get to finish all of the sketches we were supposed to do so I'll have to finish tomorrow and I just wanted to get it done. And in English we're starting a thing on themes in a short story we read and the guy next to me asked me to read his paragraph and see if there were mistakes and there were a few but I didn't want to say anything for some reason and I usually love proofreading and editing but I couldn't bring myself to say all of the mistakes. Also, I lost my pencil so I had to use a pen for some of my classes and I hate using pen and in my Global Issues class I made a mistake so I just had to scratch it out with the pen and it made the whole worksheet look messed up. The worst class though was Spanish and I really like the teacher but I don't think he likes me a lot but anyway I said something the wrong way in front of the whole class and I'm usually good at vocabulary and pronunciation but my sentence structure and conjugations aren't that great but anyway it was a really simple mistake and they were all looking at me and I probably shouldn't have gotten into that class. The other day I made another mistake in Spanish too and I should have known how to say it but I didn't and the teacher was probably judging me and he's the best teacher. The worst teacher absolutely hates me too and he teaches math and he's a jerk but I try my best to pay attention to the things I don't already know and I try to answer questions sometimes but anyway this kid with learning disabilities sits across from me and I don't know how much I should help him with his work because the special education teacher is usually focused on the other kids who are actually disruptive but anyway he's nice but I don't want to get him in trouble and I don't want to get in trouble for trying to show him how to do it and there's this other special education kid in the same class who's a bit annoying and maybe that's rude of me but anyway he clearly hates certain noises like the teacher banging a ruler on the board and the sound makes me anxious too but I don't want to tell the teacher because he might get mad at me. It rained during the school day today and I got all wet and almost even fell in a puddle and everyone's taller than me and I'm super skinny and weak and it's easy to get knocked down and I hate it and I wish I was more handsome and someone even called me pretty today because I look pathetic and I hate it when people take pity on me. Also I was listening to music before school this morning and some of my friends saw me and asked what I was listening to and it was The Academy Is but I couldn't tell them because I was embarassed so I avoided the question and I don't know what to do if they ask what bands I like and speaking of rock my mom got a rocking chair and I almost went over one of my cat's tails but I like the chair but I don't want to hurt them and my cat Finny got into another fight and I don't want him to get hurt. I also forgot to feed Zoya today and I haven't talked to my cats in a while and I know it's weird that I talk to them but I know they can't tell my secrets so I try to tell them everything but I haven't been doing that anymore. I also feel guilty because I don't talk to my partner enough and I wish I did but I don't like texting/calling first and I hope they're not mad at me or anything but I don't want to ask and I hope they aren't just taking pity on me because they make time go a little differently and it's good. They're also really good at writing so I want to impress them with something I write and I'm trying my best to think of something good to write but I just can't. I did see my English teacher from last year at my sister's school event because he's her teacher now but anyway we talked about books and I miss him because he was a really good teacher but he made us read The Tempest which was super boring but the point is I saw him and I wanted to thank him for being a good teacher but I was too embarassed because he was genuinely the best teacher I've ever had though I guess I haven't had many teachers so what do I know? I can write cursive though and I'm doing my best to learn calligraphy and I should practice more and I want new nibs for my pens but they're so expensive and speaking of expensive my birthday's coming up and I don't want to ask for anything too expensive but I asked for this new video game anyway and now I feel bad but I still really want it because it's in a series of video games I like. Also I don't know what a spark plug is and I feel dumb and I don't know a lot of things and I wish I was smarter but lately I've lost motivation to actually learn anything and I always regret it and I need to read more but I don't. Anyway, it's dinner time so I'm gonna stop but I'm sorry this was probably a waste of time but I guess if anyone even clicks on this they won't read this far but whatever. I wish there was a way to repent.