I spent a month building a beautiful cabinet for our kitchen.

A month of sanding, sawing, and painting, repeating "measure twice, cut once" because my last project had finished after multiple trips to the hardware store for more wood.

And I was done.

Finally.

I mounted it in the kitchen and asked my wife what she thought.

"Did you measure it correctly?"

"Of course!"

My wife stretched out on tip-toes, fingers swiping just shy of the iron handle.

"Did you measure ME correctly?"

Shit.

The email read "We appreciate your desire to work for us and the work you put into apply for the position of assistent manager at our Denver, Colorado worksite. However, we have decided that another applicant would be a better fit for the position. Thank you for your time. Signed by Sally H. Marge." Another rejection. It was the fifteenth rejection Mark had recieved on his job application. He had written and filled out more than 25 job applications after he had graduated from college with his business degree, but nobody wanted to hire him. From the looks of it, he would have to continue working his low paying job at the local shopping mart, he needed some way to pay off his college loans. Loans that were used to pay for a degree that was supposed to pay for itself. The leaflets, and pamphlets that he had recieved from shcool always promised a salary of at least $25 an hour. Only now, after years of doing that program, did Mark realize that it was essentually a scam. That is what it fault like. The degree was there to make the college money, he should have gotten a nursing degree like his sister, a computer science degree like three of his five roommates. He knew that all of them had jobs that were paying at least $27 an hour. Mark sighed as he closed his email. It was 7:00 am in the morning, his alarm had gone off at 6:30 am, he had hit the snooze button a couple of times, his shift started at 8:00 am.

He finished off the bowl of cold cereal, and washed the dish, his parents didn't like it when he left his dishes in the sink. He had been staying at his parents house for nearly three months now, since he graduated. He graduated the same time as his sister Elizabeth, who had been promised a job before she even graduated. She was now working full-time, earning nearly $30 an hour at the local hospital. He was stuck with his $8.75 paying job. It sucked. She was also already getting ready for a grad-program, her RN degree was already paid off.

He brushed his teeth, and took a quick shower before driving off to work. He drove his old four door sedan that had nearly 300,000 miles on it. It was a miracle that it still worked, but he still needed to pay it off. He had got it for $1500 and still owed the bank half of it. His weekly pay check was nearly $600 dollars. College, the car payment, gas, insurance, and now rent would make it so that he had hardly anything to show for it. His parents told him yesterday that he needed to started a paying $250 a month in rent if he was going to continue staying with them. It was low, but his sister was not going to pay anything since she was going to pay for grad school. That was the deal that mom and dad made with them when their started college. If needed they could stay rent free as longer as they were looking for full time jobs, and/or going to college.

Mark arrived at work at 7:50 am, it was cold outside. He was about to clock in when he got another email. He opened it, it was another rejection. He clocked in.

I took me days to tell you.

Or weeks.

Or months.

My memory of that time in my life is hazy.

My memory of my time with you.

But I know it was a struggle, thinking of what to do.

That voice we all have in our heads giving a million different reasons why it would inevitably fail.

I think you confused me with your goodness.

You were too lovely to me, so much so that I found myself having hope, for the first time in the longest time, that maybe... Just maybe...

I psyched myself up.

And I just told you.

It must have seemed so casual to you, at the time, the way I sent that cringey "I like you" text you've probably gotten a thousand times.

But I was panicked and heaving and begging myself not to hit delete and save us both.

Maybe I should have.

But if I hadn't said my truth, darling sunflower, it simply wouldn't have been me.

I meant it when I said I thought I was falling for you.

I would have fetched you the sun, burning to ashes on the way with a stupid grin on my face, if it meant making you happy.

You were the world, the stars, you were almost everything to me for some time and I can tell you there aren't many things I wouldn't have done for you.

I forced the words out, I forced myself not to wipe them away, I forced my demons to stay suppressed as I awaited your reply

I waited...

And I waited...

And I waited.

What's that one lyric from that one song?

Loving you is a losing game.

Well, I did love and I did lose.

And I don't regret it, not for a moment.

I would rather speak my truth and suffer the consequences for my foolish genuineness than stay sobbing in the dark, hiding away parts of myself.

I hope you remember me as a person who was willing to risk losing you because of how much I loved you.

I hope you know that I am glad for the chapter of my book you filled.

I have some bittersweet pages in my life full of sunflowers and daydreaming and hope and I have only you to thank.

My forever with you only lasted a blip of time.

And I'm grateful to you for being so wonderful that I tried and failed.

I just wish we had gotten more time...

In another life, perhaps, old friend.