Ah, William Shakespeare. The unrivaled grandmaster of the English language. Or, as I like to call him, the original king of overrated.

Yeah, it is true that a lot of his works became a fundamental part of literary history, but come on – this man sure came up with a lot of tragedies. I mean, if he ever wrote a rom-com, it would likely conclude with everyone stabbing each other.

And the guy’s character name skills… “Romeo Montague” and “Juliet Capulet”? After hearing these names, you cannot tell me that he did not let toddlers play Scrabble. And “Othello”? Please, even his handkerchief was crying. Then his dramatic streak… who else could come up with “To be or not to be”? Whoever came up with this probably should find a new hobby – one that does not ruin life for everyone else in his play.

That being said, though, I have to thank him for all the timeless quotes he gave us that became the foundation of our modern life. “All the world’s a stage” – yeah, makes sense considering that his plays are pretty much reality tv shows. Well, whoopty doo, Shakespeare – thank you for drama, tragedy and countless high school essays.

Pen a roast against the great, noble Bard?

Without a doubt you jest, it can’t be true,

A battle of such penmanship will fail

For those who've missed him and have not a clue.

Beauty inherent and creative might

Are penned in words and characters divine.

Perchance, have you not wandered through them all -

Whimsical fields of poetry sublime?

No, this nightmare must not breathe and persist -

’Tis a bad feat of which I dare not dream.

It surely spells impending doom and doubt,

This godforsaken and horrendous theme.

So, if you dare to take the risk and write,

I won’t wish you well in your doubtful plight.

The young girl stands up and rolls her sleeves, ready to make the best roast of her life and look totally cool while doing it. The girl clears her throat and starts, "Shkspr is dmb bcz he cn't evn use undrstndable English."

The girl smiles and makes her second point, "He is also a bad writer because he always makes his characters die at the end." Then the girl gets a heart attack and dies.

Shakespeare, the bard of old

Your plays and sonnets, over-told

We've heard enough of your lofty prose

It's time to give you a verbal dose

Your fame and praise, we don't abide

For your work, we cannot decide

Is it melodramatic or just plain dull?

Your writing, we find, is quite a lull

Your characters, so full of jest

But in reality, they're all a pest

Hamlet, Macbeth, and Othello too

Their actions, we cannot construe

With every 'thou' and 'thee' you write

Our patience, you continuously spite

Your language, so archaic and high

Only manages to make us sigh

And what about your love stories?

They're filled with heartache and glories

But we can't help but roll our eyes

For they're nothing but thinly disguised lies

Oh Shakespeare, we've had enough

Your writing, we find, is quite tough

To read and understand, such a pain

Why must we all suffer through your reign?

So here's your final curtain call

We don't need your words, big or small

For in our modern world, you don't fit

Shakespeare, it's time for you to quit.