I am at work now, so therefore as I always find myself when I'm at work I am deeply depressed and full to my inner brim with dark thoughts.

It all begins as it does each night at 7.30 when I shower and grab a coffee, chill a little and enjoy the remaining few hours before the slog begins at 1030. The same routine follows the same routine each and every night; attend to our guests needs and do some tidying up.

I clean the drawings off our walls covered with fine expensive wallpaper, drawings made with crayons or felt tip pens which are just a twat to remove. Our guests have fine tastes when it comes to little Johnny's artistic attempts-only the finest furnishings will accentuate his talent.

I clean toilets left unflushed as our guests would never sully their manicures by touching anything as common as a toilet handle.

I dispose of the remains of dinner which lay scattered about our restaurant carpet, deposited there by soulless diners who do so like to show their fun side by wisecracking our Spanish waiters who speak only a modicum of English.

I patrol the corridors as security three times during the night and frequently have to ignore what I hear screamed from within locked rooms.

I assist those unable to make it to their rooms as they can barely walk through intoxication.

I clean the many period photographs of Beatrix Potter and do my best not to grimace at the spit and snot that is wiped on their surface.

I open the doors at six in the morning and neatly stack the days newspapers so our guests can get to them easily. I prepare the restaurant for breakfast service, each table given the same amount of care and polish as if her majesty was attending.

Finally before ending my shift at Eight I grab a sandwich and a cup of tea before shuffling across to my single room, and after each shift I sit and think of ending it all.

Am I crazy to say I have no true friends,

No real social life out side of school

I even try to explain this to my parents that don't even let me walk down my street to say hi to people that go to my school,

Every house in my neighbor hood is practically a person that goes to my school.

I get so lonely sometimes I start wishing my dog could be a person, witch is probably the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard.

I don't know what to do,

This is probably the wrong way to go about this, but prose is the only place that will listen and not judge.

Sometimes it just feels good to talk about it and have people listen without saying what a looser I am.

Which I know You won't do to me.

Ya I'm crazy but hey that's just me,

You get what I mean?

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD for short). Sometimes, though, I think I might have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD for short). Anyway, OCD is an anxiety disorder where one becomes obsessive over something, believes in irrational consequences if he or she doesn't do a specific act, feels as if he or she must do this act to make things better, does this act to relieve his or her anxiety, and feels that he or she must continue to do this act to make things better and relieve his or her anxiety. For example, someone who is, say, a "germaphobe" and likes washing his or her hands doesn't have OCD. It's OCD when this person feels as if he or she must wash their hands all of the time or else something bad with happen. They wash their hands so much that eventually they begin to lose their skin. Now that's a person who severely has OCD. Well, there's your psychology lesson for the day. Do with it what you will, but please don't confuse doing a task because it helps to do it with repetitively doing something because one becomes obsessed with this task and the consequences that will happen if he or she doesn't do this task and to relieve his or her severe anxiety.

The precise thing that is on my mind is something I am trying to get OFF my mind. But everyone knows that the more you try not to think of something, the more you inevitably think about it.

I am trying to get over a recent heartbreak. He was only the second man I ever truly loved, and my first love was over a decade ago. Pretty heavy stuff for me.

I have my good days, and I have my bad days. Most of my good days are days I feel satisfied and fulfilled in my work. The bad days are usually the ones where I have adequate time to ruminate, or run into things that remind me of him, or (ironically) when I am with friends, which I don't quite understand, except there is that companionship that I have with them that I had with him that is no longer there, and being with close friends reminds me of that? I'm not sure.

I went on a coffee date today with a guy I met online recently. It went really well. I am trying to maintain a balance of "I should not let a previous heartbreak keep me from dating other people and meeting new people" and "I should not just date as a distraction from my pain," you know? Some dates remind me of how awful I feel without him, and other dates actually go well. This date went well. I feel good about it. Ironically enough, we talked a lot about mindfulness, and being present, which keeps us from being "too inside our own heads" and therefore ceasing to be in the here-and-now, fully engaged in the present moment. It was nice to talk to a like-minded person, both spiritually and intellectually, whether it goes anywhere or not.

I wonder if I should feel guilty for dating. Dating when my heart is still healing. I don't want to block people out and ruminate on my loss, but I don't want to go all out and date when it could potentially be just to distract myself from the pain. It takes discernment to tell exactly what it is, in each situation, I am actually doing.

In all honesty, I am better off now than I was a month-ish ago. I feel more ready to meet new people than I did then. But I am not fully healed.

Someone said that it's not just time that heals all wounds (I'm not sure I believe that, anyway) but that time WITH adequate self-reflection, growth, and maturity lends itself to a more holistic healing.

What's more, I'm actually kind of tired of dating. I still would like to meet someone, but I'm tired of going through the process of meeting someone, seeing if we click, revealing myself, eventually disclosing more sensitive material (flaws, issues, etc.), and then seeing if we want to be in a relationship, stay friends, keep dating, or never see them again. It can feel like an exhausting, tedious process, especially when you're over it, due to either lots of bad dates, or a broken relationship, like my previous one. Or being 30 and still single when you've went out with tons of guys, trying to see if anything can work with them. Dating is about being yourself up front, sure, but I also feel like it's so performance-based, at least initially, and that is one reason I am so over it. I am tired of the motions.

I never said I wasn't a woman chock full of contradictions.

That is what is currently on my ever-complicated mind, and has been for a while.