Where people see you as a challenge

Eager to see who finishes first

Where they rotate you and make you feel dizzy

In every single possible way that they can

And after the challenge -- you look perfect in all sides

Only to mess with you again

Trapped in school

Don't call me ungrateful

Trapped at home

Don't call me disrespectful

Trapped in expectations to get a job and have a family and succeed

Don't call me unmotivated

Trapped in this world

Don't call me hopeless

Trapped here

In this town

In this city

In this country

On this planet and I can't get away from watching everyone judge each other

Don't call me a hypocrite

Taking part in the judging is inevitable

Taking part in stopping it is a choice.

I am confined within a concave that may cave in at any given time... I cannot escape the very pleasures which embody my curses; my tormenting secrets, and every truth I have sentenced to the gallows for its lies... there will always be beauty within the beast and demons within the mind...

A body is a cage.

It keeps your real colors

From streaming out

It clusters within

Building up and up

But it can never be released

Because a body is a cage

That can never be opened

though I am a person

I am trapped in my own mind

things with happiness

change to sorrow

life continues with a thought of tomorrow

life will capture you and you'll be trapped inside of your own mind

no life is the same but the limits of imagination trap us

fighting for an escape

the only reason we are trapped is because we think we are

Trapped between the love of loyalty, and the ecstasy of desire

The agony of heartache, verses the intoxication of pleasure

The bonds of commitment, to liberation and freedom

These are choices, the counters that lie, so uncomfortably before me

Undecided and confused by feelings and emotions

Challenged by limitations, that which might have been

That which is safe, and familiar, or the risk of the unknown

I have grappled and embraced this struggle

The quandary of decision, the consequences of destruction

The cost to those who are damaged, to all those involved

The guilt of selfishness, the shame of betrayal

All these are the questions, I have pondered for oh so long

To me, after years of continuous experiences, "nice" means easily manipulated. Easily used, taken advantage of, abused. "Nice" means "treat me as you want for I am kind. Mistreat me, I won't hold a grudge. I will understand and let it go. Push me around as much as you want. And I will let you, I won't mind."

"Nice" means I'll eventually be tired of caring too much. Giving too much. That's why, when I hear someone talk about me and say "she's so nice," I feel a slight sense of dread. I can't help but wonder, "how much will they try to use me until nothing is left and I'm empty? Or worse, spiteful and bitter?"

"Nice" is more of an insult. Being called a bitch is sometimes more flattering. "Bitches" are strong and never pushed around. They stand up for themselves and get what they want. They're not afraid of being true to themselves or stating their opinion for the fear of unintentionally hurting the feelings of someone else. They get to have their cake and eat it too. "Nice" people are far too concerned about making sure everyone gets their fair share until nothing is left but the crumbs.

But, after decades of being a certain way, it's difficult to change and I'm still struggling to find a balance since I don't want to become completely evil in the end. Although I occasionally wonder if, maybe, that might be for the best. Kindness isn't always a blessing.

We who wander in the night,

Find no rest till morning light,

Tossing, turning, in a wide-eyed stare,

While others sleep, we remain aware,

Cold and desolate winter night,

In whose solitude we take delight,

The day comes with the morning sunrise,

Those sleepless times, of little surprise,

Perhaps one day, I will be at peace,

And sleep in quiet repose,

But until that day of eternal rest,

I am cursed to wandering in my nocturnal quest...

Challenge chokes me of my breath

Trapped in many a ways, ultimate depths

Where do I start to unveil the chains

The irony that defines my bondage spiritually tortures my inner being

I chose these chains

Shackles I so willingly adorned knowing the truth

I'm not a fool to deception still I let the lust of my flesh consume me

I sit once again on the cold concrete floor of the basement. I breathe softly, but quickly. After having searched the entire basement once again for a way to get out, I am unsuccessful.

I listen to the sounds of him walking around and doing normal human things upstairs. Trapped down here, I long to once again do those things I had previously taken for granted. Simple things such as making my own dinner and going to the bathroom whenever I felt never seemed as much a privilege as they seem now.

I pull my legs up to my body and wrap my arms around them, looking down at my toes. There's dirt underneath my toenails and spots of dirt cover my feet. The same is on my hands. My hair is greasy and, although I can't see my face because there is no mirror down here, I know that my face is covered in dirt and my teeth are yellowing. I haven't been allowed to wash or brush my teeth for weeks.

My stomach growls and I pull my legs in tighter. I haven't had steady meals coming in since I was trapped down here—only small meals once or, if I'm lucky, twice a day.

I look at my clothes—well, what is left of them, that is. All he has allowed me to keep is my, now dirty, underwear. My shirt and jeans were taken when I was put down here. Sometimes, I don't even get what I still have.

I lean back against the wall, loosening my grip on my legs, and close my eyes. I daydream about being free once again and taking a nice long hot shower—feeling the water and soap run off the dirt and wash away any sign of this basement. I daydream about putting whitening toothpaste on my toothbrush and brushing my teeth for ten minutes and then flossing and using mouthwash—allowing my mouth to look and feel clean and healthy once again. I daydream about going to a buffet and eating all the delicious things they have available: salad, chicken, macaroni, fries, mashed potatoes, crab legs, hamburgers, ice cream, cake and pie. I daydream about going shopping and getting the most beautiful clothes I can find.

I daydream about having my life back.