I said the words to rid my mind

and feel better.

Instead I feel sick

because I only made you sad,

too.

A year of agression and

competition has left you

the pent up feeling of your position

being threatened by your

best friend.

Subconciously:

You build your tower with my bricks,

or worse: you simply take them and

hide them away so that I am

stuck small.

I climb to the top of my tired tower.

"I AM NOT YOUR DOORMAT.

I AM NOT INFERIOR.

YOU ARE NOT THE GOD.

I WILL NOT BE DEGRADED

TO SECOND BEST."

You know what you've done.

I can see the recognition and regret

and I want to take it all back;

hold it in like I have been all year

long.

But it's too late and I cannot apologize.

WE ARE EQUALS.

And now you know.

I hope I have not destroyed us with

my truth.

I am afraid to write my heart

because I know what it must look like

to suspecting minds of love-suckers

who forget that love can be right.

I keep it deep inside my mind

locked tight under barbs and beams

because describing it leaves me so starry-eyed

that cliches are unavoidable, it seems.

now, I know well this is a safe place

and my fingers itch to tell their tale

so I'll give you a snippet of the big picture

before my warm heart goes stale.

he is magic and kindness I cannot believe

I was blind to the depth of one's heart

but he gives simply and loves limitlessly

and that shows in his every part.

I have come to know that most men are pigs

I'd given up on the good

but I'm terrified now because again I believe

and time again I've sworn I never would.

I've put trust in the good ones before

they keep it for a rainy day

even they only come back when they're bored

why would he act another way?

but I cannot help but love this boy.

in him I see only pure gold.

remind me after we crash and burn

that even the good ones will always get old.

1 E N V Y

stretch my neck and scream at god:

"i'll tear you to shreds before i am gone!"

"jealousy, jealousy, fuck you all!"

"kiss on you, piss on you"- farther I fall.

2 G L U T T O N Y

eat your sins and eat your pride

stuff your feelings, quiet your lies

i deserve the beef, the bourbon, the bait.

donations for me, the starving will wait.

3 G R E E D

owe me for being around your dumb flock

for my kindness, quiet and poison sweet talk

i deserve your world, sour liquor and rum

it's never enough; i am queen, you are scum

4 L U S T

hold me close and tell me lies

i'm beautiful and you'll stay with my for life

lick, kick, tumble, tap

screw me; "SCREW YOU!"call it a wrap

5 P R I D E

stick me with your words

"i like it! it burns!"

destroy me, enjoy me, you can't change facts

you can't kill what i don't even have

6 S L O T H

run yourself ragged across hot broken glass

i laugh and scowl while sitting on my ass

stupid, boring; you do what you're told

let me lie, let me die; writhing in the cold

7 W R A T H

i hate you for the horns, tail and regrets

the pain running through hands, foot, chest

it grows, i shrink, i soak in your mad test

insanity!! profanity!! fuck it all, bullets for breakfast.

I.

i am in love

with the feel of our legs

entangled; a spiderweb of dumb limbs.

cold sheets.

hot hands.

the rush and the realness of it all.

II.

i am learning

through your long hair and scratched hands:

i've never felt so bright.

III.

feeling more and more alive

i wonder if i'm dying again inside.

am i losing light?

behind my smile and crinkled eyes

can this be real, or another bandage used to brace my pride?

i need someone to feel me.

you'll do until fear and reality collide

suddenly i'm told i need god.

through the smoke and stains on my shirt

and the thoughts i scrawled on paper,

they know i'm too much for

humans to handle.

but i never wanted to talk to god.

i like to make the first move,

but he never seems interested.

maybe he sees through me:

i'm not interested either.

he's another boy i lead along to drop at the foot of my bed.

he doesn't agree with the ways of my world.

and

suddenly i know i need a god

but i don't think he cares.

i am too smart to talk to god.

i am too small to believe i could if i wanted.

why do you make me a bird with broken wings?

i know what it feels like to fly,

i know how to soar from tree to mountain top,

but you suck the wind from beneath my wings and i fall.

i am:

a lost hope of an eagle

a pesty, childlike crow with a hankering for evil

a full grown bluebird that still can't crack it's shell.

i am impatient as i sink further.

clawing and cawing

at the vines as i fall through,

you watch me with your hawk eyes.

i can see you smile as i glide by.

she had the prettiest eyes.

blue. green. golden shimmers in the sun.

so i held her face in one of my hands

and took them out one by one.

her mouth was loud-

the screams and cries hurt my ears.

so i showed her the lovely pain of

hearing through sheers.

she made a mess.

red water everywhere,

and she refused to clean it up

so i made a mop with her hair.

cursing and crying,

she was bitter, cruel and mean

i decided she must have gone rotten

so i cut her heart out clean.

one.

jittery.

three.

unquiet.

seven.

mindless.

eight.

paralyzed.

nine.

ten.

some ask what really lies

somewhere between the lines

is the soundscape silent

is it saturn that shines?

could i still touch your lips?

could you hear your name said?

some may have the answers

but we never tell. instead:

we leave you guessing about our home

a place down deep under

the 'super-unknown'

where you can crack and blunder

sometimes i play there

i sit and i stir

question men who live by prayer

console in those who's words slur

we dream of dead clowns

and poison fruit salads

in churches and white towns

we throw pebbles in malice

i'll pretend to care

they'll whine the unfair

and soon enough sirens blare

for the next war we have prepared.