to my #1 competition: my best friend
I said the words to rid my mind
and feel better.
Instead I feel sick
because I only made you sad,
A year of agression and
competition has left you
the pent up feeling of your position
being threatened by your
You build your tower with my bricks,
or worse: you simply take them and
hide them away so that I am
I climb to the top of my tired tower.
"I AM NOT YOUR DOORMAT.
I AM NOT INFERIOR.
YOU ARE NOT THE GOD.
I WILL NOT BE DEGRADED
TO SECOND BEST."
You know what you've done.
I can see the recognition and regret
and I want to take it all back;
hold it in like I have been all year
But it's too late and I cannot apologize.
WE ARE EQUALS.
And now you know.
I hope I have not destroyed us with
hope is fragile, hearts are fertile: love is fleeting
I am afraid to write my heart
because I know what it must look like
to suspecting minds of love-suckers
who forget that love can be right.
I keep it deep inside my mind
locked tight under barbs and beams
because describing it leaves me so starry-eyed
that cliches are unavoidable, it seems.
now, I know well this is a safe place
and my fingers itch to tell their tale
so I'll give you a snippet of the big picture
before my warm heart goes stale.
he is magic and kindness I cannot believe
I was blind to the depth of one's heart
but he gives simply and loves limitlessly
and that shows in his every part.
I have come to know that most men are pigs
I'd given up on the good
but I'm terrified now because again I believe
and time again I've sworn I never would.
I've put trust in the good ones before
they keep it for a rainy day
even they only come back when they're bored
why would he act another way?
but I cannot help but love this boy.
in him I see only pure gold.
remind me after we crash and burn
that even the good ones will always get old.
1 E N V Y
stretch my neck and scream at god:
"i'll tear you to shreds before i am gone!"
"jealousy, jealousy, fuck you all!"
"kiss on you, piss on you"- farther I fall.
2 G L U T T O N Y
eat your sins and eat your pride
stuff your feelings, quiet your lies
i deserve the beef, the bourbon, the bait.
donations for me, the starving will wait.
3 G R E E D
owe me for being around your dumb flock
for my kindness, quiet and poison sweet talk
i deserve your world, sour liquor and rum
it's never enough; i am queen, you are scum
4 L U S T
hold me close and tell me lies
i'm beautiful and you'll stay with my for life
lick, kick, tumble, tap
screw me; "SCREW YOU!"call it a wrap
5 P R I D E
stick me with your words
"i like it! it burns!"
destroy me, enjoy me, you can't change facts
you can't kill what i don't even have
6 S L O T H
run yourself ragged across hot broken glass
i laugh and scowl while sitting on my ass
stupid, boring; you do what you're told
let me lie, let me die; writhing in the cold
7 W R A T H
i hate you for the horns, tail and regrets
the pain running through hands, foot, chest
it grows, i shrink, i soak in your mad test
insanity!! profanity!! fuck it all, bullets for breakfast.
3 for we
i am in love
with the feel of our legs
entangled; a spiderweb of dumb limbs.
the rush and the realness of it all.
i am learning
through your long hair and scratched hands:
i've never felt so bright.
feeling more and more alive
i wonder if i'm dying again inside.
am i losing light?
behind my smile and crinkled eyes
can this be real, or another bandage used to brace my pride?
i need someone to feel me.
you'll do until fear and reality collide
suddenly i'm told i need god.
through the smoke and stains on my shirt
and the thoughts i scrawled on paper,
they know i'm too much for
humans to handle.
but i never wanted to talk to god.
i like to make the first move,
but he never seems interested.
maybe he sees through me:
i'm not interested either.
he's another boy i lead along to drop at the foot of my bed.
he doesn't agree with the ways of my world.
suddenly i know i need a god
but i don't think he cares.
i am too smart to talk to god.
i am too small to believe i could if i wanted.
when we were together
i knew how to want.
i knew how to be wanted.
and now i am more confused than ever.
why do you make me a bird with broken wings?
i know what it feels like to fly,
i know how to soar from tree to mountain top,
but you suck the wind from beneath my wings and i fall.
a lost hope of an eagle
a pesty, childlike crow with a hankering for evil
a full grown bluebird that still can't crack it's shell.
i am impatient as i sink further.
clawing and cawing
at the vines as i fall through,
you watch me with your hawk eyes.
i can see you smile as i glide by.
(i like my apples peeled)
she had the prettiest eyes.
blue. green. golden shimmers in the sun.
so i held her face in one of my hands
and took them out one by one.
her mouth was loud-
the screams and cries hurt my ears.
so i showed her the lovely pain of
hearing through sheers.
she made a mess.
red water everywhere,
and she refused to clean it up
so i made a mop with her hair.
cursing and crying,
she was bitter, cruel and mean
i decided she must have gone rotten
so i cut her heart out clean.
some ask what really lies
somewhere between the lines
is the soundscape silent
is it saturn that shines?
could i still touch your lips?
could you hear your name said?
some may have the answers
but we never tell. instead:
we leave you guessing about our home
a place down deep under
where you can crack and blunder
sometimes i play there
i sit and i stir
question men who live by prayer
console in those who's words slur
we dream of dead clowns
and poison fruit salads
in churches and white towns
we throw pebbles in malice
i'll pretend to care
they'll whine the unfair
and soon enough sirens blare
for the next war we have prepared.