mother always told me not to fight fire with fire // why was i so surprised when we exploded?
my words did not meet yours with the intention of playing doctor
but oh,
how we tried to fix each other
when we ourselves were broken-rubbing twigs to spark a fire in the middle of a rainstorm-
we were heartbreakingly pathetic
i thought if i painted my hands blue, maybe i'd touch you where no one else could
maybe i could hold your heart when your hands were too shaky to grasp a single thought
but more often than not,
i was worthless
(you never forgot to remind me)
you said i knew nothing
as if i didn't know what black holes felt like
inside of my chest
(suffocating hurt less than everything you said)
as if i'd never felt everything
and nothing all at once
as if i hadn't traveled to hell and back by your side
(you weren't the only one who'd been burned by god)
was i your nothing
or was i something?
were the bruises we gave each other proportional to the scars we healed on one another?
we'd be doing ourselves a disservice if we refused to acknowledge both the pain and its passing
(and telling me i did nothing is involuntary manslaughter)
sometimes i wonder
if i've lost you
(but you'd forget about me even if i carved my name into your skin)
sometimes i think
it's for the best
maybe things would've been better
if i'd loved you less
How am I still struggling with you
You're not here anymore
In my dreams
You've haunted me
But every time I wake
I'm alone again
How am I still tripping on you
When you're nowhere to be found
You know the words to say
To keep my heart bound
You're forbidden not forgotten
And I need to stop seeing you
Even if only in my heart
How do you keep me wrapped
How do you make my shake
I tremble
Knowing that knowing you is the absence of peace
I don't wanna struggle anymore
I'm so tired of the games you play
And the things you say
Your lies poison me at my core
But I'm addicted
I can't take it but I have to get more
I wanted to badly to be one
With you beyond eternity
But I know that it can't be
You'll never be in love with me
I'm in love with your ghost
I'm in love with your shadow
The imprints you left on my soul
How you imprisoned me in your empty promises
I'm addicted
And quitting you is killing me
In my dreams
You've haunted me
You've been my heaven and my hell
But I'm afraid there is nothing left of me to sell
My value was lost
My chances shot
I know you'll never be back
I know you'll never love me
So how am I still struggling with you
You're not here anymore
I'm so tired of the shame this struggle brings
I've been holding on so tight
I'm letting go tonight
I'm quitting you, and it is killing me
-ashleyanne