Middle school, no one like it that much, there are so many reasons not to like it and this is why i despised it.

I never really had good friends that i trusted with my personal feelings and life. I told my very best friend about something really embarrassing about myself and i expected her to keep it quiet. Boy was i wrong. She told my entire grade about it and then eventually the entire school know about one of my most embarrassing moment but i managed to got through that year because i had my sister to protect me and stop them from hurting me too much.

I still had to go back to that school the next year and it was worse no one would talk to me unless it was to verbally assault me so i almost stopped going to school entirely. It scared my parents so they got me a new therapist because i did not trust my current one and she told me i had major anxiety. The next day my mom went to my school again to tell my principle what was going on but she did not want to admit that there was any problem at her school so she just brushed it off again and said that i should come to school more and that i needed to buck up. She also said that they were just teasing me and that it was all fun and game, "don't take it so seriously" she said. How can you not take it seriously when it's all about you and you had no one at the school to stand up for you. It lonely and hard so i became depressed and had suicidal though almost every day and could barely wake up in the mornings.

My finger shaking, I selected the email and opened it. My brain pulsated in my head, my hands numb from anticipation. The email loaded for half a second and opened. A blank PDF was there, nothing more and nothing less. I lick my dry lips. The only sound is the soft click of my mouse as I open the PDF file. A new window appears, loading the image. My heartbeat quickens, my senses flare, my mind races. Slowly, the image loads onto the window. A green face. Red lips. Dark, empty eyes. A long, dark green figure. Oh no. My worst fear has become a sharp, sudden reality before my very eyes. I have just been pickled.

I expected something from her that was so basic, I didn't even realize it was an expectation until it was too late. It was more of an assumption, really. The assumption that she would stay alive a little bit longer - or at least past her 21st birthday. 

I'm not sure if it was a random, unfortunate event, or if some mighty force in the universe decided to extend the hand of death in her direction. Religious people might call it an act of God; that God wanted one of his angels back home or something like that. I just think she was unlucky. 

The expectation was that - like all of us, she would grow up into her 20s and follow us into the dark abyss (that is so often a metaphor) of early adulthood. A further expectation was that she would come home from college during break and we would all take her out for the long-awaited legal drink at 21. The expectation was not that she would turn 21 and be found dead the next day. 

I expected her to stay alive. I expected her to be in the world, loving life, and achieving her goals with a vengeance, insisting on group reunions when we were all back in town. Turns out I expected too much of her. She broke my heart in a way that will remain broken until I see her again.