Depression

has us under

its blackened thumb

smothered in its

sweet chloroform

our dark becomes

its own reward...

we want release

like from a pen

and so we bleed

till a last breath...

our inked signatures

moist and smearing

while subconscious

to the surface...

comes revealing!

very faint lines

waving vainly

in surrender...

upon these

white flags

of ours

#Depression #Challenge

Shells can be hell.

Dark, dank,

Small, hard,

Lonely.

Or shells can be a place of safety.

A little haven.

A place to wait

For the Light

at the end of the Tunnel.

don’t tell me to be happy.

you can’t look into my eyes and expect me to suddenly,

be happy.

oh god, i wish.

i wish it were that simple.

that all the thoughts would just

cease because i say so.

it’s not a choice, though.

i didn’t choose to drown under this water.

it dragged my entire being down without mercy.

i fought, at first.

i tried to find my happiness in a boy.

my love, my best friend, my everything.

but i found myself slipping deeper and deeper

to the bottom and out of his grasp.

he was angry he couldn’t fix me.

everyone was angry.

they tried to hide it, but that little game never works.

so in the end, when i’m dancing with my thoughts

that never stop,

there’s no reason to even put up a fight.

i just drown.

then i wake up the next day,

and do it all over.

Why did you do it? I don't understand.

Why did you put those pills in your hand?

Why did you decide to go away

So I'd never see you another day?

I gaze into your silent eyes

And hear a lifetime of hatred and cries

I sit back; there's nothing I can do

Men in an ambulance are coming to take you

I wonder if I'll see you again

I've got no where to turn to; I've got no friends

No one seems to care

They say it happens everywhere

Just another statistic

Another brain to pick

As I prepare to say my final goodbye

All I can ask is "Why Mommy? Why?"

Four walls, all black, no windows...

Yet somehow I can see the world around me. It's so vivid, so real.

I can't touch it, can't be part of it though somehow I am.

Not living, only existing.

The only true sound is the painful thump, thump, thumping of my own heart.

Everything else I experience is a lie.

Please come find me here in this cube of monotonous agony.

Pull me out of this shallow grave and into being...

-L-

I am here (down inside).

Your voice is muffled and I don’t much care because I don’t feel like hearing you right now.

Everything outside of me is too much and over-done. The corners of my mouth pulled down and held in place by boulders so huge there’s no point in trying.

Behind the dark curtains of my eyes, is a private second home where I hole up and push out everything that is too loud to feel and succumb to the gravity rendering every molecule of air dead weight.

Fighting depression is like trying to stand up with a car on my lap after not sleeping for a week.

I embrace these heavy times. I let them come and pass by. I rest. I write. I think. I stare. It always passes like weather. I have learned to hold the hand of this dull version of myself, keeping an eye out like I would for a loved one. Tears are cathartic and cleansing.

My heart keeps beating

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

The sound of falling

And slamming into the ground

Reminding me that it could all

just

stop.

There's hope in that.

It may end.

Maybe even soon.

The world scares me

It’s a dark lonely place

Where friends can turn foes

And soulmates can be replaced

I hide myself behind my avatar

My life stands no chance of victory

I have to find a new world

An alternate universe, hidden in my darkened room

Where I can be who I want to be

A rogue, a protector, a healer

Where I can die a thousand deaths or live the blissful life I dream

No eyes to judge me, no words to break me

I don’t have to pretend to care, or please anyone

I can escape myself and the clutters of this world

Where I can finally be happy.

a constant dose of drowsy medicine

entering my system like knives

leaving me in a departed state

keeping me unsatisfied

and now i am here

with grey emotionless eyes

i feel as if everyone

is telling me lies

i put a fake smile on

despite my willingness to sleep

and never get up

as i dig my grave deep

i can't feel anything

i'm a burden to all

in a world so large

i feel so small

i am trapped in a cage

a life without expression

as i wallow through time

in this deep, dark depression

so i will keep taking

this drowsy medicine of mine

while i keep reassuring the world

that i am just 'fine'

I fell overboard without a life vest,

into the darkness,

and although my eyes were open,

there was no way to sense the surface,

so I just floated,

expressionless,

submissively,

until the sea

won