So lemme see if I'm gettin' this, you say we're all from another planet, right? And panspermia just deposited our genes here like a discarded milky-way condom, and umpty-billion years later we sort of just became and now we want to terra-form the planet into some techno-synth, hellish nightmare world with slaves and smart gadgets and soylent green-type food, and we're all controlled like zombies via government issued cellphones, and we secretly rebel by living a virtual second life of psychopathic fantasy on the internet, and never have to bathe, cook or worry about unprotected sex 'cause it's all virtual, not real, spurious. Ok, sure, I’m with ya.

Dude are you on crack? Listen to yourself. Does any of that sound sane to you? Snap out of it man, you're losing your structural integrity. Focus- don't taco on me man.

We're on planet Earth. We sleep, eat and have sex in the dirt dude, if we cut we bleed blood, not pixels. You need air and water and shelter and food to survive, internet hype and cellphone texting masturbation isn't gonna procreate the species ya know? HEY, I'm talkin' to ya. You been takin' those med-cocktails again haven't ya an' washin' them down with that Internet Kool-aid, huh. I told ya that stuff would mess-you-up. Don't listen to me though, I'm nobody, I'm just some dude in the real world, standin' here tryin' ta help ya in real time, with no pop-up advertising.

I can only imagine where you originally panspermia-ed from dude. You're whacked, smacked and jacked. You've been feedin' your brain pan too much anime porn dude. Do I LOOK like a rhesus monkey with puppet wires janglin' out the top of my head? PUT that cellphone down before I slap you. You can't go out in public talkin' this kinda smack. They'll gag and bag you for sure. Naw, I ain't bailin' you outta nothing brah, I highly recommend you take the 5th.

#no_chill_challenge #talking_smack #advice #monologue #contemporary #hyper #prose #dialogue #william_calkins

“No chill character” on a scale of Virginia Woolf to Beowulf? As in, Beowulf lacks all chill, and Virginia Woolf is entirely chill? I reject your premise; I challenge your challenge, sir. Mrs. Dalloway is savage.

But let’s start with Beowulf, big bad hero man himself. He shows up at Hrothgar’s court and everybody’s like “holy crap, it’s Beowulf, he’s awesome,” because what, he went swimming in the whale-road that time? Guy walks in a room and everybody just bows. You know who doesn’t just get respect handed over? The wife of a government official who works her ass off to make his career work without any thanks at all or any opportunity to do anything else. The alternative is Lady Bruton, with her really “impressive” public life, and what’s her big achievement? A letter to the paper about emigration THAT SHE DIDN’T EVEN WRITE HERSELF – she had to ask Clarissa’s chump husband and Hugh goddamn Whitbread to get the thing to make sense. And then there’s Peter Walsh, brave bold Peter who whines about Clarissa settling and allegedly taking the easy way out with Richard, and meanwhile Peter has done… what exactly? Ran off to India, did jack shit, and comes back to rig paperwork so he can marry some little chicklet. He’s a mess who did nothing and he knows it. Clarissa Dalloway built a life and did what she wanted to do without wrecking anything, making everybody’s life better, which is more than you can say about all the fools around her (the highly respected Dr. Bradshaw frickin’ killed his soldier patient, for God’s sake!)! And she keeps doing her thing all day every day without anyone’s approval or fawning, unlike a certain fame-motivated Geat.

And once Beowulf has gotten approval, he just chills and drinks mead. Grendel runs out into the night, and Beowulf is like, “hey guys, check it out – I got his arm!” And they all shout “Yay Beowulf, you’re the best!” and drink up. Meanwhile, the self-satisfied “hero” didn’t even finish the job; Grendel makes it all the way back to Mummy who kills a bunch of dudes the next night, because Beowulf was too busy showing off his monster arm and living it up to follow the REST of the monster’s body and git ’er done. You know who NEVER gets distracted by a party? Clarissa motherfucking Dalloway. Every moment every party, all party, she’s working the angles, mind on fire, guaranteeing everything’s perfection. She never rests. Cause she can’t, she won’t, and she don’t stop – Clarissa D come and rock the sure shot.

And let’s not forget that everything Beowulf does, waiting for Grendel or slaying a dragon (oh wait – the dragon kills him), he’s got a posse of people or servants around to cheer him on and back him. As for Clarissa D, “Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.”

Mic drop.