One, for all of a lifetime.

All, for once in a lifetime.

*

*

*

We fell in love the usual way.

It started with a glance; I caught his eye.

Then he spoke, and his voice calmed all my fears.

I laughed, and I knew he would be the joy in my life.

We were the very best of friends.

We fell apart the usual way.

It started with a lie; they multiplied.

“I could never like you that way,” he said.

“That’s okay,” I replied. “We’re just friends,” we agreed.

We were the very best of friends...

until the truth was brought to light,

and it was much too late to be fixed.

"I don't think I'm ready for all of that," I said quietly.

I didn't have to see him in the dark to know that his face fell. I hopped off of the jungle jim and started to walk away. It was never meant to be, and we both knew it. We lived different lives, and we knew that from the start. I felt his hand on my wrist, and I looked at the sky. He slowly turned me around, and I saw his eyes glistening with tears under the streetlights.

"I didn't mean to rush you. I just-- It's been--"

"This has been nice, Troy. Honestly, I've had a lot of fun. But I don't think I can do another fling that lasts a couple weeks that I am scrutinizing over trying to figure out where exactly things went wrong."

"It won't be like that, babe."

"I'm not your babe," I snipped.

"I'm sorry, Ayana. I just thought you'd be ready for that."

I shrugged and tried to pull away. Though he wasn't holding me tight, he wouldn't let me break free.

"You don't really want to leave, huh?" he said. "You're just scared."

I rolled my eyes. He chuckled, seemingly knowing how I was.

"Believe it or not, I'm scared to. Terrified. I mean, I've already been with a lot of girls. I've had relationships before too. I just never wanted them to get as far as I can imagine things going with you. And honestly, it terrifies me to think that I may not get that chance."

"Why wouldn't you? You can say the right thing to make all of this stop and you fricking know it."

I could feel the tears. He pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me. A kaleidoscope of temperatures swirled in my stomach. I felt his soft lips press against my forehead then his arms tightened. The butterflies in my stomach exploded, sending splatters of acid around my insides. He kissed me again and wiped the tears from my eyes.

"I'm not like everyone else, Ayana. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon."

I sobbed, not because of what he said, but because I just knew it was another lie.

I think that any truly good thing starts when you least expect it, when all of a sudden things stop going perfectly as planned and start to take on a life of their own. And of course, that’s exactly what began to happen to me.

I’d always seen myself as a boring girl with little to offer. All in all, I wasn’t anything special. I was the kind of person that no one ever thought a whole lot about, be it positive or negative. I was neutral and unnoticed, and in some ways I’d grown to prefer that. There was just a certain degree of safety in being forgotten.

But I don’t think that even begins to say all there is to tell about me. I’ve always been just a little bit foolish, the kind of girl who’s too quick to be seduced by beautiful ideas, the type that gets stuck on a song lyric for just a little too long. I’d be the first to romanticize the world around me, and the most vulnerable in the face of reality.

And just from that, it’s probably not hard to believe that, in more ways than one, I felt lonely and insignificant. I wanted to be so much more than what I was. I wanted to be the beautiful girl who is loved dearly by those around her. But maybe that makes it sound like I wanted some flimsy and fleeting popularity?

That’s not how it was at all. I didn’t even dare wish for more than one person. All I wanted was to be seen by someone in the way that I wanted to be seen. I longed deeply to be noticed for the way that I thought and felt, to be seen as intricate, complex and desirable. I wanted to step out of my invisible world and into the arms of someone who sees me as nothing short of their perfect girl.

Some days it felt so impossible and unrealistic that anyone could be loved in this way, but on other days it felt so mundane that I could only be pathetic for still being alone.

So really, none of this is relevant without at least some form of situational context. And trust me, my way of thinking was surely responsible for my current dilemma.

I was 17 and a few weeks prior I had been asked out by the most attractive guy in one of my classes. Or at least I thought that he was the most attractive, my taste has never been mainstream.

Almost miraculously, the way that he asked me out had so much potential that I was just lost in the dream that seemed to be unfolding around me.

It all started when, during class, I had contributed to the discussion and gave my point substance by quoting a song lyric. This must’ve drawn his attention, because at the end of that period he approached me and asked about that song and the kind of music that I’m into. He invited me to sit with him for a bit and he eventually asked for my number.

This was quite literally surreal, seeing as I had never gained the attention of someone who was interested in me for a reason beyond trivial appearances, let alone someone that I was actually interested in.

And so this developed, we texted, we hung out. He held my hand and he made me feel like maybe I might be desirable. Everything was going well and I was over my head with excitement.

But unfortunately, if something seems too good to be true it probably is, and soon enough this dream was over. We were just sitting on the bench at school like normal, when he got up and left, saying nothing but “I don’t think this is going to work”.

And that was it.

Predictably, I was devastated. For two weeks I’d had such a good thing lined up for me and I thought that it was going somewhere. I thought that I was going to have a chance to be happy, and in a second that was gone. I was left worse off than if nothing would have happened, because he didn’t reject a stranger, he rejected me, a girl that he had grown to know. I must’ve been appealing enough on the outside to attract him, but what did that make me on the inside? Boring?

That might just have been my biggest fear.

I somehow, although chaotically, made it through the rest of my day and was headed home. The cloud of rejection still hadn’t thinned and I was standing in the bus shelter barely able to keep from crying.

Right then, at the height of my misery, I noticed someone reflected in the window. He was someone that I had seen before, who happened to be exactly what I wanted.

All of a sudden, I became desperate to know him, to speak to him and so I broke my fascination with his image and turned to face him.

But, by the time I had turned around, he was gone.

I had to wonder, was this just bad luck? Or good luck, since I probably looked way more insane than I did attractive? Or maybe I was just imagining things? Whatever it was, the reality was that he was gone.

And I was once again alone.

What happened next surprised me. I might have been devastated, but I recovered to a reasonable state surprisingly fast. I was still in a fog, and I still felt half-alive, but I was over him. There was no desire left to be with him, only the remnants of damage done.

At this point, I had to wonder why I felt like this. Why did I feel so damaged if all interest in this person had faded? Maybe I was just in love with the idea of it all, and got caught up in the fantasy that this boy had offered me. After all, I didn’t even let him kiss me. Why would I have been so hesitant to let him be special to me in that way?

I did like him, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t the all consuming, beautiful and passionate relationship that I wanted. Even when I was with him, I never really had moments when I was excitedly thinking about seeing him or wanting to text him. I never got absorbed in conversation with him and it never went further than a superficial level.

But why was this? Had my childlike idealism transformed itself into indifference? Maybe he was right when he said that it wasn’t going to work out, and maybe it was on him for not being interested enough. But, looking back, I have to wonder if it was really because I knew that there was something better for me. I’d always, always wanted something special, intense and genuine and maybe I just wasn’t willing to compromise that.

And that brings me to exactly a week after I was left alone on that bench. I was leaving school on a painfully miserable day, about to get on the bus, when I saw the same boy from the bus shelter at the front of the line. Right then and there I decided that I would speak to him that day, and that I would not back down. I wasn’t going to pass up that chance.

When I got on the bus, I planned to ideally sit across from him and maybe start things with some casual eye contact. The only problem was that the person right in front of me in line ended up taking that seat across from him and I so I was left sitting right next to him, which of course was beyond awkward.

He looked so perfect with his head leaned against the side of the bus as he looked out the window. Maybe it was the angle, or maybe it was just him, but in that moment everything about him felt so unbelievably right.

He must’ve noticed me looking though because he took out one of his earbuds, presumably in case I was going to say something. But no way was I going to ask him out just to sit through a 30 minute bus ride with someone who had rejected me. Either way, he must’ve known that something was going on for almost the entire ride.

I was just sitting there, thinking to myself that I had nothing left to lose. I still wasn’t over the disappointment of the previous week, but I knew that things couldn’t get worse. For all I knew, maybe he was just as into me. The only thing that was certain was that if I didn’t do anything that day I might never know what he was thinking. Obviously I was nervous, but I wasn’t willing to pass up an opportunity that might never arise again, so when we were getting off of the bus, I turned to look at him and said “I’ve seen you around and I really like your style, could I maybe get your number?”

At this, he looked at me in shock. I still remember how first I noticed his eyes at this exact moment, and how I was completely struck by their beauty. It was then that I knew I had made the right choice and, surprisingly enough, he didn’t reject me. He was actually so surprised to be asked out that he thought I was joking.

Overall, things went well. We talked for a bit and then ended up texting most of that evening. Even texting him, I still wasn’t entirely sure where things were going, so I asked him if he’d like to meet up sometime. When he said yes, I asked him “would tomorrow be too soon?” because I’m an impatient child who can’t wait for anything. To my surprise he agreed to seeing me the next day.

Obviously I was nervous as I was standing there the next day waiting for him. I mean, how could anyone not be? I made sure to get there early, just because I liked the idea of having time to mentally prepare. Then again, how does one even prepare for such a thing? I don’t even think that’s possible.

Either way, he eventually showed up a few minutes late and seemed happy enough to see me. Overall, things went pretty well. We sat down and talked for a few hours and yes, it was a little bit awkward but we got along well right away and had a lot to talk about.

Eventually, we got bored of being inside and so I suggested that we walk to a nearby park. All of a sudden, we were alone and everything seemed more intense. This was when I started to first feel like he was actually interested in me.

Right then, I was so sure that he was into me that I stupidly asked if he’d be my boyfriend. The answer to that question was an easily anticipated rejection. I felt like an idiot and I wanted to go home, but he wasn’t being mean and things hadn’t really gotten much more awkward, so I decided to wait it out at least a little longer. Looking back, I’m glad that I did.

After a while we went back inside and were sitting down. Now this boy looked at me, dead serious, and asked if we could hold hands under his jacket. This was just the funniest and most adorable thing to me. Not only was it exciting to know that he wanted to hold my hand, but this was when I realized that we were essentially similar. Despite many obvious surface differences, we had the same core nature. We were both just a little bit awkward in the same way. We had the same kind of baseline similarities that you’d expect people who grew up together to share. Part of me thinks that’s why I was so comfortable with him from the beginning, and probably even why I was able to do something so uncharacteristic of me as asking out a complete stranger. But you get the point, thing felt natural and we got along well.

We had been together for approaching 8 hours when we went outside to sit on the steps. By then it was dark outside and the slight chill of the air served as a reminder of just how real that moment was. We were both fully present and aware of every touch, and trust me we had grown accustomed to physical closeness already. He looked beautiful beyond words sitting there with his legs crossed.

This is when I realized the way that he was looking at me like no one ever had before, his eyes full of interest like I was the only girl he’d ever wanted. I felt so beautiful and special and I was in awe of the girl that he must’ve been looking at, because she wasn’t me. She was the girl that I wanted to be.

Right then, he broke the static beauty of the moment that our silence had created to say “remember that question you asked me before?”. I was confused as to what he meant, but when he said “you should ask me again now”, I understood. And so that’s exactly what I did. I asked him once again if he'd be my boyfriend and he said yes this time around. Somewhere in those hours that we spent together, I had become something beautiful that he couldn’t let go of. He had seen me as more than just a boring girl with little to offer and he genuinely wanted me.

I’m still not sure what exactly it was that made this moment so perfect. Maybe I was in love with the world, enchanted by the reality of such exciting fantasies, or maybe I was just simply in love with myself. And maybe it didn’t matter. Whatever it was that I was feeling, I had never felt so alive as I did in that moment.