Over the years I have experienced many forms of pain. In the end, imaginary pain is the worst.

Cue your typical emo kid being all angsty over life. Experimenting with self harm.

What hurts the most, what distracts the best.

I hated needles.

More specifically, the lingering sting of a puncture wound when you have been anticipating the moment the needle pierces the skin and the only way out is the way in. Horrible. Uhg.

A prick of a needle gives me the same feeling of emotional instability as being spoken to suddenly.

"Hey... I've been worried about your for a while. I can't seem to contact you and you're so distant." Every word is another needle that presses onto my skin. Every second I spend gasping for air, looking for an escape I feel a single needle breaking through my skin. The burn, the sting.

"Please be honest, how are you doing?"

Honesty. Honestly can you really tell someone bluntly that it feels like your limbs are being strapped onto a metal table and you're helplessly struggling against the binds while you see someone approaching with a saw?

I feel more and more needles. They start prickling the back of my neck.

"I'm sorry, I'm fin-" "Honestly! I told you to answer me honestly! And now I feel it. A cold, icy needle piercing right through the center of my brain. Everything feels cold and I want nothing more but to just lay down and cry myself into nothingness and give into the pain.

#twselfharm #twdepression

I cannot explain what is going on outside so I've decided to write it down.

My name is First and I live in Siam in Thailand. Since February 18th the minister of health revealed that there was a huge epidemic breaking out causing people to collapse in the middle of the streets after vomiting blood and running high fevers. we were told to immediately call an ambulance and stay away from the infected. Go to hospital to disinfect if needed.

On March 2nd I turned on my tv and saw Chiang Mai and Chiangrai burning. The mountains turned into a sea of flames and burned for weeks. Many wondered why the government wasn't doing anything to put down the flames but no one dared ask.

Today is March 21st. I woke up because of weird scratching noise. I hadn't even gotten dressed before I saw what was going on.

A man I recognized as one of the first to collapse on the street was in front of my window, scratching until the nails fell off his rotting fingers. His dark red eyes were looking at me, begging me to him in.

I will document what I am doing to escape.

Today starts with escaping from those monsters. Which will prove to be difficult. After all the man hanging outside my window managed to climb 10 stories high.

I grabbed butcher's knife and am going to face the monster now.

I will write down what happened when I get back. But for now, if you are reading this and I have not returned, walk away from this place as well.

I winced when he dropped my favorite mug and let it shatter in a million tiny pieces. Ty has never been too careful and now he was even more careless. 

"Shit!" I heard him shout about half a minute after the incident occurred and a smile slowly crept on my face as he finally realized what had happened and hurried to pick up the bigger parts, trying to piece them together. I had always loved just how little of a morning person he was. 

"That's not going to work honey, just leave it and drink your coffee. And make sure not to step into any shards, I don't want you hurt." I wiggled my toes and swung my left leg back and forth while slightly shifting on the counter top. I saw Ty's jaw work under his skin and he shuffled past the mess and sat back down to eat the rest of his bagel. 

"I don't have to go to work that badly today, I can stay." 

"No." I said sternly.  He looked at me, pleading.

"I worked extra hours yesterday, I can stay with Mii and you and relax, doesn't that sound nice?" 

I unfolded my legs and sat straight, he moved a little back in his chair and I almost felt sorry for making him feel small but I had to be clear.

"You can't. Mii is gonna be okay, your work however isn't. Mii will go to my sister and she will take her to kindergarten but you have to go to work. What if they don't think it's okay and you lose your job?" I saw the pain in his eyes, he knew I was right but I wished I wasn't. We both knew they were running out of patience at Ty's workplace. 

He scratched his head, those wild dark waves that wouldn't be tamed no matter what, something I loved so much and it made my eyes burn. 

"You're right, I'm sorry, I'll wake up Mii so we can leave okay? Rena should be here soon."

"Thank you, and sorry." He smiled sheepishly and wiped some crumbs away from the corner of his mouth. I moved my arm forward out of habit, wanted to do it for him and he looked at me for a second and smiled. I chuckled and he stood up and walked to our daughter's bedroom. A few minutes later a tiny messy haired girl that had everything like her father skipped into the kitchen and Ty followed suit. 

She moved her chubby arms up to both sides of her head and Ty nodded down and picked her up. He set her on the counter top and I moved to the front door, already anticipating the doorbell that was about to ring any minute now. Ty finished dressing her and packing her lunch and set her down on the floor and moved back to our bedroom to change into his working clothes. 

The doorbell rung twice when he was about to finish tying his tie and I laughed as he clumsily tried putting on his shoes and pick up his bag and also trying to pick up our daughter as he moved to answer the door. I ducked aside as he grabbed the handle and moved behind the door to both hide and make room for the two of them. 

"Rena thanks as always, you're a huge help!" Ty said as he put Mii in my sister's arms. 

"No problem Ty, her school is on the way to high school anyway. And I know it's been tough to take care of her alone now." I heard Mii fuss a little when Rena tried correcting her position. She said goodbye to Ty and made her way to school. 

"You know... You don't have to hide. They can't see you." Ty said without looking as he moved a little forward so he could close the door a little. I didn't miss the hurt in his voice and my heart broke a little more. 

"It makes me feel better, if I hide it makes me feel less of an outsider than if I just stand there and they don't notice me." I managed a smile and skipped from my hiding spot into the open part of the door frame and looked my husband in the eye. He squirmed a little and it was amusing so I smiled at him. He eased up as I did and sighed. 

"I'll see you tonight Ten, I'll be home around 8 and I'll pick up Mii and dinner." I nodded and waggled a bit. 

"I love you." My heart jumped. 

"Me too, get home safe tonight baby." I said. 

He turned and closed the door and I moved forward to hug him goodbye. 

I could never get used to just jumping forward and moving through him though. 

He turned around and made his way to work and I leaned back into the door, passing through it and sitting in the middle of our hallway. 

It has been a miracle that Ty was able to see me, so I wouldn't complain that he could only see me in the house since recently. 

I laid back, relaxing into our carpet and recalled the months that had passed since my death and having to see my family go through hell and back trying to keep themselves together and all the night I spent screaming trying to get them to see me and the relief I felt when Ty finally heard me. 

I didn't know how much longer I could stay here though.

@dLYNX