2-1-16

I don't know what is happening to me. I want to leave my boyfriend of three years (three years in August). My boyfriend is significantly older than I am. We knew that going in.

I had just gotten out of a relationship that I felt was wrong for me. I felt undervalued. I felt like a body, less like a person with a mind and feelings. I don't know how to explain this.

I am with my boyfriend at the moment and I feel so trapped. I feel so unhappy from a financial standpoint. From an emotional standpoint, I feel pretty okay, minus the hell my parents are putting me through, also financial. My boyfriend is my escape from my unsafe (to me) homelife. I don't feel like I belong with my mom and sister, but they suck me like a Hoover at the top of the month for rent money. (I get disability for my learning disability and mental illness. Every penny I get goes to rent I can't fucking afford.) I am unable to move out and be on my own. I keep up the facade that I am semi-happy at home, but quite frankly I want to kill them all, minus my brother and my niece. But my mom, dad, and sister? Want to kill them all. My boyfriend is a safe place for me. His place is my safe place. It is the only place I feel safe at besides B&N and the NJ State Library. There are very few safe places for me, and the only other place is in an unsafe building where a day program (that I was a client in for about a year) is held. My employment counselor is in that building and her office is so safe. She is a very nice person, but I can't tell her about the abuse (because your dad telling you that he will seriously hurt you and kill your boyfriend is abuse, especially when you are a full grown adult who is able to function despite her mental illness and learning disability and your mom stands idly by and does not do ANYTHING whatsoever.) and the blatant theft (because my dad stole from me... 2 years of Social Security funds for MY disability and MY mental illness.).

I would never ever steal from my family. My dad is a hypocrite and he deserves every bit of hell he is getting. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want him to know just how angry I am at him. The fact that I have homicidal thoughts toward him and my family means that I have a problem of some sort, right? I just want to see them suffer. I want them to hurt like I have. I want them to bleed and cry and I would show no mercy. Since when have they showed me any mercy? Since when have I gotten any love, any hugs?

I don't love my father. I don't love my mom. I am not too sure if I love my sister. I go through the motions, say the words. They mean nothing. They don't mean a fucking thing.

My boyfriend is great when I have my breakdowns. I need someone who understands me perfectly. He does. No one else does. I can't trust them to understand me. I don't talk too much about my problems with my boyfriend with anyone. Not even him. I've been taught to keep my feelings inside. That's what my mom did with me until I confronted her about her favoritism toward my sister while she treated me as other, as second class. As trash. Are we fucking five right now? You have to break me down before you got the response you wanted? You have to break me down in order to get the respect you wanted? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!!!? You are supposed to be the adult and fucking talk to me if you have a problem with my behavior. & you wonder why I don't talk to you in depth about my life.

I can't talk to you about much of anything, actually. I remember the way you talked to me when I asked you if I could have something different to eat. You jumped down my throat. Yelled at me. I knew that I couldn't ask you for anything. You made me feel unworthy of anything different, any better food. Any better relationship. Anything better. I learned to be content. I learned not to ask for anything good because I didn't deserve anything good. Can't ask for different food, can barely ask for money. I need these things, but asking is impossible because I will always hear that July day in 2011, being yelled at just because I wanted something different, even if my sister would get something different. She would get whatever she asked for.

I have so much hate for my family. I just want my freedom as an adult rightly should. I am almost 25 now. When will I start to deserve happiness? When will my life start?

When my family is dead.