Though my faith has yet to grow weary, the bag of hope I’ve been holding on to has become heavy and I am tired. Sweat drips from my brow and is fused with my tears. All the while, I am still here dragging it along. 

The hope that is held within the bag has begun to shift and change form since I first filled it.  Like that soft bag of brown sugar that’s been forgotten in the back of the pantry.  The one that’s now been transformed into a brick so solid that it could be used to pave a driveway or break a window.

I’ve held on to this bag of hope for so long, that I’ve forgotten all that I put into it. Or even why I was hoping for it in the first place.  Like the tattoo so many people chose to get on their 18th birthday.  You know the one they had to have because, surely they would always want that barbed wire armband or that butterfly flying out of the crack of their ass. It surely seemed like a good idea at the time.

I think it’s time that I should sort through my bag of hope and take stock of all that I’ve put inside. Perhaps my bag of hope would become lighter if I chose to discard all of the expired and spoiled content I've been carrying inside.

Maybe some of the very things we’ve hoped for in the past were meant to expire all along.  Could it be that the sole purpose of dragging this heavy bag of hope around for all of these years was merely a preparation of some kind?  All in effort to increase my strength and stamina to provide me with the endurance that I’d need for the long road ahead?

I’m not sure of much anymore.  However; what I do know is that after I purge all the hope I no longer need.  All the hope that no longer serves my highest good, and all the hope that has lost its flavor and become molded from within this heavy bag.  Whatever past hope still remains and whatever new hope is placed inside…

It will most definitely be NON-PERISHABLE.

I have decided to no longer use the expression, “falling in love.”  I have used it countless times in the past to describe the depths of love I have for another.  However; upon further thought and experience with love, I have come to the conclusion that it makes little sense to me. Love does not slam me to the ground which is the inevitable fate of falling. While it can be sudden and make us feel vulnerable, I think love would be more accurately described as a feeling of elevating or rising. Lifting me to a higher state of being altogether.

I would compare it to the feeling that is felt when flying in the air while jumping on a tramline or swinging high on a swing set. To me, love is more like a continual state of those few seconds when your feet are lifted off the ground and all you see are the clouds in the sky.  When your stomach seems to delay its arrival from meeting the rest of your body, because it’s being filled with butterflies. That short window of time spent in weightless freedom from within the fleeting moment. The one you cherish and absorb every nano-second of just before it comes to an end.  The seizing of that very moment is what love feels like to me.

Love transcends not deeper, but higher and higher, that is until its downfall.  This descend, when one falls out of love or is thrown from it, that is like falling.  Falling from heights for which the fate of your survival is uncertain. Pushing you down deeper and deeper until there is no more oxygen left to breathe. The bright clouds that once surrounded you become dark just before you crash.  Leaving you to walk blindly into the unknown in search of all the scattered pieces of yourself. Once you’ve exhausted the energy that is needed to walk. You are then forced to resort to crawling in an attempt to not fall into the unseen pits of darkness that sink you even deeper than before. This is falling.

Being in love with another is an elevating force that inspires you to claw your way back to the surface, tired, dirty, and utterly unrecognizable. Providing you with the light from above that you need to see your way through the darkness to find your missing pieces. It’s the glue that fills the empty spaces from within and makes you into an upgraded version of the person you were before. The more light from love you allow inside of yourself, the higher love will take you. Love wraps you in its arms and becomes your sanctuary. It warms your cold body and lifts your heart giving you hope, strength, and shelter as you ascend higher and higher.

No longer will I fall into love, but my heart is open to rising in it.

12-11-2022

After the horrible event. I drove him to my home to eat and to feel what a bit of normalcy felt like again. His broken spirit plagued my heart of the sadness and confusion he must be feeling after losing pretty much everything that he owned.

But the moment I recall the most was the cut on his finger. Although it was not deep enough to stop to beams of light that radiated from his perfect hand. The longing for the pieces of himself that were seemingly missing now cried out in the blood as I rinsed his pain away.

I gently wrapped his wound with as much love and compassion as one person could give to another. I tried to make myself believe that I was healing him, as I longed to make his world right once again.

Although he may not have realized, I felt the softness of his eyes, stare down at me as I gently wrapped is precious finger. When I looked up and into his grayish green eyes peering down at me, I was transported to the depth of his soul. His eyes were so kind, broken, and yet so thankful.

This is one memory that as been etched in my mind for eternity. In that moment that our eyes met, I knew and understood all of the secrets of his soul.

February 2018

My heart bled out onto the notes that I wrote. Leaving me to cringe over my vulnerability, that appears more like naïvety to me now.

I began to feel shameful and quite foolish, as I watched the perpetual cycle I’ve been repeating pounce off of the screen and slap me in the face.

Causing my rose colored glasses to slip down the bridge of my nose and shatter upon hitting the ground.

So, here I find myself feeling unsure if I have grown wiser and stronger or just weary and defeated over the past four years.

Trusting someone with your wounded heart is like crossing a weathered wooden rope bridge that spans across a raging, rocky river.

White knuckles grip the rough rope cables; palms burning with fear.

Legs shake in attempt to steady the bridge; twisting and swaying in all directions.

Pausing, observing and calculating the risk of every step.

Uncertainty pours out your skin like rain; as thoughts of danger from what maybe concealed beneath each wooden trestle.

Confidence builds as you inch further along the wayward bridge.

Until your foot lunges through the rotten wood disguised as security and something that you could count on.

Body collapsed by fear clenching on to anything you can hold on to just to keep you from falling to your death.

The decaying wood plummeting into the raging river below floods your mind with memories you thought you had forgotten.

You’ve made it too far to turn back now, yet the trek ahead seems like a hopeless endeavor.

Perspective shifts like the tracks from the bridge and you muster the strength to rise up once again.

Retreating would be equivalent to falling and you have no intention on dying today.

I’m slowly withering away like an eroding coastline; dwindling with every wave that washes ashore.

My soul is tired and my feet scorched from the miles I’ve been walking along the burning sand.

The intermittent sea breeze that blows against my face has been my only source of refuge.

For it leaves behind its scent that lures me in with what little hope I still have left inside.

I long for the comfort of the palm trees that can be seen but are just beyond my reach.

Tirelessly awaiting my sacred oasis, as I walk along this deserted beach.

7-15-22

An unconditional love with honesty, patience and acceptance.

An unwavering love with no lies, half truths or omissions.

An authentic love with faith, sincerity and passion.

A consistent love with a strong foundation and hope for the future.

A reassuring love that never leaves my heart to wonder.

A confident love that believes we are meant to be.

So you do the little extra things that make you feel good about yourself so you can muster the courage to look at your naked body in the mirror and vow to find the beauty in every flaw.

You start to set boundaries, learn to say no and stay in your pj’s all day without feeling guilty.

You start doing the things you’ve always wanted to try, you have adventures and take the risks you’ve always been too afraid to take. You visit places you’ve never been and try food you’ve never tasted.

You start reading books, writing, and learn to spend time alone until you actually enjoy it. You do all of this and thrive like you’ve never have before, all while believing that now you truly love yourself.

While those are noble achievements well deserving of praise and recognition, I’ve learned that loving yourself is a lot harder than that. And if you stop at loving yourself there, the cycle is sure to repeat itself.

True love for yourself requires you to take an honest look at yourself, at the things that trigger you, at the things that make you laugh and the things that make you cry.

It requires you to ask yourself why you need and want the things you say that you need or want from others. Yet, it requires you to dig even deeper for answers.

No longer satisfying yourself with, “Because I deserve it.’ Forcing you to realize that if you really believed you deserved the things you say you need and want. You wouldn’t have settled for less in the first place.

It requires you to look at your thoughts, your fears, and insecurities in a whole new light. Realizing that you have had a much bigger role to play in how you’ve been treated than you initially assumed.

True love of self forces you see that you were really just wanting to be soothed by the actions of others. That you really just wanted to wrap those fears, thoughts and insecurities into a blanket of comfort. Revealing the fact that you were never really fixing the problem in the first place.

Your eyes then start to open and you see things in a whole new light. As you accept that you were never truly ready to receive the love you thought you weren’t receiving. And the only thing you were open to receive was that blanket of comfort that kept your pain tucked inside.

It’s not until you dive deeper down the rabbit hole. Beyond the role of the victim or passing the blame to someone else. Where you dare to look under your own shadow; at the things that you don’t really want to see and actually face yourself.

Here is where your own darkness dwells and where the true source of all of your pain resides.

So diving deeply you jump within these dark and rough waters of your past. Reflecting back for your review of all of your fears, loses, rejection, betrayal, jealousy, resentment, and abandonment tossing and turning you about. You struggle to hold your tense head above the water with hope seeming far out of reach.

Then it happens all of a sudden and at the moment when you least expect it. You become tired of the fighting your past that‘s forcing you to swim against the current and decide to accept the past and the lessons it’s taught you.

You forgive yourself for carrying these burdens for so long and you decide to allow love to take you where you’re meant to be and you let go.

This is where true love of yourself comes to your rescue. Delicately holding you steady as the water below you calms. Then it gently floats you down to the river of peace and healing.

Where you remember your light and all of the beauty you have within. Where you remember who you are, accept who you are and finally truly love yourself once again.

You can learn to love yourself upon the surface, but true love of oneself is found much much deeper than most people want to go. But if you’re brave enough to venture into the deep, the treasure of true love of self will be yours to keep.

I had hoped that you would be by my side, for one more ride.

Music setting the tone, putting us in the driving zone.

Only this time I’ll be all alone.

I’ll see the trees, mountains and the pacific coastline.

While thinking of you the whole damn time.

I turned 40 years old on Tuesday, and I can’t help but to feel that the word forty itself; seems to carry a weight with it unlike any age that has come before it. Perhaps, this stems from the weight of expectation, among other things, that occupancies one who is of the age of forty. I suppose this might be because, by forty you’re pretty much expected to have your life figured out and (thanks to Botox filling every nook and cranny in America), also appear to be frozen in your thirties. Which makes it hard to know what forty is even supposed to look like anymore. None of which I can relate to in anyway.

So, if you asked me if I’ve figured my life out. I’d laugh and say absolutely not! However; what I do know is that my goal is to live life to its fullest potential; and I’m having a great time figuring it out. I can honestly say that I know myself better now than I ever have before, but I also know there’s so much more to be discovered. Though I may have grown wiser through my experiences over the last forty years; I also know that I still have a whole lot still left to learn.

God has blessed me tremendously with amazing friends, family, and a community of people who love me, support me, believe in me, and encourage me. He has given me the privilege of assisting others through some of life’s most difficult challenges through the work that I do. He has also blessed me with my own difficulties, struggles and challenges all of which have helped me to grow as an individual.

I’ve been given the opportunity to paint the world as I see it and share it with others as well as the opportunity to travel, explore, and experience our beautiful country in ways I never could have dreamed of, let alone thought were even possible. So while my life is far from what it maybe expected to be. It’s anything but ordinary and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ll gladly and proudly carry the weight of forty, along with every wrinkle that comes along with it, and be grateful that I can. After all, you’re only as young as you feel, right?