i feel you're heart pounding,

beneath thin layers of skin,

you breathe on my neck,

forcing each tiny hair to do a standing ovation,

for your beautiful pulse.

i'm craving your body,

every part of it--from your lovely mind, to the tip of your pinky toe.

i want to feel your bones,

pressing against mine,

i want to feel our bodies,

intertwining until we become

one.

your scent invades my most private thoughts,

traveling distances around me,

making its way into my veins.

my blood rises to the surface,

warm with lust, excitement, and fear all at once.

your fingers brush against me,

and goosebumps raise throughout my body.

i want to feel the warmth of your hands,

cradling me, like the sun holding up the clouds,

hold me for eternity.

I heard two men today in my place of work, engaging in a little bit of friendly competition. They're both nice guys. One says to the other, "You're such a girl," as if that's the most insulting thing he could come up with. I think to myself, why is that an insult? Why does my gender, a fighting, warrior gender stand for weakness? I also think, it's only my fourth day here. Better keep my mouth shut. I wouldn't want them to think I'm a...Feminist.

Men want to be "manly", but what does that mean? Is to be a man to have big muscles and lots of hair? Hardly.

I was raised to think that a pussy was someone cowardly, weak, fearful. When really, a vagina is an incredibly strong muscle, and if it weren't for the vagina, no human would exist.

I was raised to not talk back, to think that my beauty was worth more than my brains, to think that men were the only ones with words that mattered.

My dad said he was the head of the household. My mom was the "second boss". And once when we were walking home in the dark, two men yelled at her and said, "Nice ass, bitch!"

My mom worked full time, and actually made more money than my dad, but when she bought something that was too expensive with her own money, we had to hide it from him because he'd get mad.

When my mom divorced him, he said it was only because she "made bad decisions". He doubts her thinking processes and has told me he hates women. When he is raising two daughters.

I was talking to my dad about misogyny today. I started to get a little passionate. He said, "You're not going to cry, are you?" With disgust in his voice. As if crying is a disgusting, horrible thing that should never be done.

I was taught by him to never change for anyone, but apparently my emotions are a character flaw. My gender is something awful and inferior. I'm apparently lesser for having a vagina.

these lips have been

tarnished, torn, tainted,

i can't wash it off.

the stain you left,

of imperfection.

i can't un-feel your lips,

pressed against mine,

i can't stop replaying,

engrained in my mind.

this was not beauty,

this was not grace,

this was not what i wanted,

not just another face.

and now it's tattooed,

never to be erased,

not by time,

not by love,

there are no second chances,

for a first kiss.

I'm scared of what the future holds. Afraid of both success and failure. I know I need to just get over it, look forward to every opportunity I have, be grateful for everything that's going well in my life. And I am. But at the same time, I'm anxious. I'm scared that I could be the luckiest girl in the world, and still be unhappy. Because maybe I don't know how to be happy. Maybe I have everything a person could ever want in life, and it still isn't enough. Not because it's not good, but because I don't know how to be satisfied. I'm afraid of myself getting in the way of my life.

In a tunnel, another dimension, I'm here, but I'm not. Everything is frozen, still, quiet and loud at the same time. Like a vacuum, sucking up each second. My mind is exploding, my body locked. I feel like I'm under water, the fish swimming all around me, brushing up against my skin, a whirlpool closing in on me, then someone taps me from the surface. I zone out, and then back in, only when my attention is caught by something important enough. My eyes wide open, my body sitting here in a crowd of people, but my brain is far gone. Out of this world.

1. "Oh, shaving is no big deal. I don't really care if a woman shaves."

2. "You're so amazing."

3. "Come here, I want to hold you."

4. "It's 1am, wanna go to Taco Bell?"

5. "Don't worry about putting on makeup. You're beautiful without it. But if you want to, that's cool. It's your decision."

6. "That looks cute on you. Everything looks cute on you."

Sometimes, I can see myself living in Texas, married to a wonderful man, raising children, making a beautiful home.

And sometimes, I see myself in New York City, living in a studio apartment, single, but very happy, dressing in the latest trends, going to dinner parties, making a name for myself in the corporate world.

And sometimes, I see myself in California, doing video shoots, auditioning for movies, playing shows, doing what I love.

And sometimes, I see myself in the country, being a pioneer woman, homeschooling my children, and cooking delicious meals.

And sometimes, I see myself living in the mountains, in a small, cozy cabin, going for hikes, and fishing, and getting warm next to the love of my life by the fire.

And sometimes, I think, why not all? The future of a woman is not to choose between a family or a career. Not to choose between love or following your dreams. But to listen to the voice inside, and do what makes you happy.