We don't have a choice to be someone where supposed to be.

We've been tied up to this responsibilities just so everyone can see.

I don't get why life can be unfair sometimes.

People say you just need to put a little patience and

hard work in it but

it's like we've been chained up to this problems

and we don't have a choice but to ignore that silver lining

and to stay like this.

Why can't I feel the Christmas spirit,

When I visit this streets of exhibit?

The lights and christmas trees are present,

I can even smell those christmas scent.

But something is really missing,

Then I realize t'was was the meaning.

People rejoice without even knowing,

What's really the reason for their rejoicing?

We sing, we dance, we give, we laugh,

But all of that will never be enough.

What's good if you sing for nothing?

What's bad is you know nothing.

Spirit of christmas must have missed this city,

Colorful city with nothing but pity.

Why should I took the time to watch,

When all of this, you only do is botch?

I know one thing is for sure,

A season without a reason is poor.

Maybe it's not too late for that,

Put the Christmas spirit in our hearts,

where he can shine at.

My life before was okay,

Everyday seems like a holiday.

We go to church every Sunday,

But I can almost say we have nothing to pray.

I always felt something was missing,

It was the start of a new beginning.

I started to look for that meaning,

Until I found that meaning for that something.

My whole life I’ve been dreaming for this,

I can finally say my life is a bliss.

Skyscrapers and clubs I can never resist,

Compared to the trees I always want to piss.

I was lost for a moment back then,

Or should I say this was a ten out of ten?

I could do this over and over again,

I will never ever have to say amen.

God from above must’ve heard my voice,

I came to realize this was not rejoice.

All along it was just a sin by choice,

I was so blind and lost to hear that noise.

Who am I to be forgiven?

When God took away everything.

How could I fall for that delusion?

Now God wants my life rewritten.

What can I do now that I am nothing?

I lost everything including that meaning.

God gave me a life so stunning,

But chose to throw that away for sin.

I am completely lost in translation,

I’m out here writing about my feelings.

If only God could give me another chance,

Maybe prose is the way to fix my broken plans.

I’m beautiful and I’m smart only in my dreams. I tend to think I don’t exist in this world because nobody wants to sit beside me in school even at church where religious and friendly people should have been. They are all just the same, they don’t like who I am. Maybe my looks are hideous? Maybe they don’t like how I wear? I don’t know. But one thing is for sure I am alone in this world. I have no friends. I actually tried having one back then but I ended up getting bullied for the whole semester. I ended up getting labeled as a weirdo because I get very nervous when I talk to people. And so I never attempted to do it anymore ever.

My parents didn’t know how much struggle I was in really. I never told anything to them. They were the only people who can understand me. The only people I can show who I am. I won’t ruin that fact just because I never tried. But the Cath they know has friends and have no problems in school at all. It was a fiction version of my book. My story will just revolve around the fact that I was that girl in the corner eating her sandwich who died because of loneliness.

One day I was at the mall for groceries. I was old enough to do so and my mom was too busy with her work so I was left to do the job. I was an only child so my mom doesn’t have anyone except me. I was looking for a laundry powder when I came across this guy who asked me if I was Cath. I told him I was indeed. I cannot believe how someone is talking at me right now and he knows me. He smiled at me and said that he was one of my classmates. I was nervous as usual I don’t know how to respond but I just stayed calm and act tough then I said “Do you want any help?”. He responded jokingly by saying “Yes I really need your help. We want you to represent our club. And I know you are not a part in any of this organization but we’d like you to do so and there are plus points for you if you win the pageant title”. As you may all know if you have low self-esteem chances are you will never ever know how to say NO to anything especially favors and so in this situation I am in right now I did that exactly.

I went home just eating what I just said and just continuously blaming myself for being such a dumbass. How could someone wants me on the pageant when they know I wasn’t that good looking? And so it came to pass.

I went to school early in the morning when the guy from the grocery store came in and told me to be in the rehearsals this afternoon. I couldn’t say no so I said yes and next thing I was already in that studio where we will be rehearsing. I can clearly see those beautiful women confidentally standing there doing stuff that I don’t know if I can do. When it was time to do the walking I stumbled many times and awkwardly handled it somehow. Josh, the grocery store guy, talked me out of the nervousness that I was feeling. He told me to ignore the crowd to earn the crown. But it did not end there I had struggles with how I talk and walk. Josh didn’t stop to teach me everything I needed to know. I kept on learning since that day for two months and many changed about me after that.

It was pageant day when I had the guts to ask Josh why I was chosen to be here anyway when there are a lot of people out there in the campus who are far more beautiful and better at everythin. He told me they were looking for someone who are different and fearless. They saw that in me. He told me I was beautiful enough that the guys from out in the campus never talked to you. That was in fact a complement.

I went in to become the champion after that.

I realized it was just really my brain that was playing insecurities. We will never know who we are if you limit yourself to only yourself. You need the perspective of other people as your ladder to success.

I was messed up and had no idea how to stand up. I got no money to pay my tuition and even for food. My parents doesn’t even think I exist anymore after my parent’s marriage started to sink. What am I supposed to do? I might as well be a dropout for the rest of my life and start to sleep on the side streets covered in cartoons and plastic garbages begging pedestrians for a penny. I know it was really gonna happen eventually when my mom and dad had a huge fight last night. It’s not like it’s the first time I heard them argue but this was the worst because I can hear glasses and plates breaking now. My parents fighting alarmed the neighbors that they called the police for that. I was in my room covering my ears with my hands and constantly crying though it didn’t really help. I decided to runaway through the windows in my room and get as far away as possible. I wasn’t there when the police came in the house but they looked for me and found me eventually. I was brought directly in the police station and I can tell something very devastating just happened. I can feel it somehow. I can see their faces telling me I’m about to hear the most alarming news in my entire life. That’s when I know they both died. The police told me they had to shoot my father because he killed her. Dad killed my mother. My world suddenly stopped for a while. It felt like I died with them but I had to keep going.

As soon as I got in to the police station I saw my Aunt Lisa. I went to hug her but she didn’t even have the time to ask me if I’m okay. She just smirked at me and continued flirting with that police she was talking to. She was way worse than my parents. She was a drunkard woman and a psycho at least I was the only one who knew that time. I met her before. I was 10 that time. It wasn’t as pleasant as I can remember. You know why? I saw her kissing my dad one time. Mom also did. That’s why after that, mom never let her get back into the house ever again. She was demented really.

I went home and was accompanied by the police to get my stuff including the notebook my mom gave me as a gift for my 16th birthday. She told me I can write anything in it and so I did. I wrote a story in that notebook. My mom was the first person to read it. I remember when she told me that maybe I was meant to be a writer. Mom was okay back then but life was so unfair. It was those days that made me realize I have a shot at fixing my family but now it’s all turned into dust. It’s impossible now.

Aunt Lisa then brought me back to her house after the long process that we did, talking to the police and signing some papers. The whole time we were there she didn’t even said a word to me. I was expecting she’d give me even just a small words of encouragement to get me through this grief but she was chewing that gum in her mouth probably since yesterday. It should taste terrible now. And she looks like a monster when she puts on too much make up. I’ve been wondering lately where will my fate take me this time with my Aunt with me.

We were already heading to my Aunt Lisa’s home after I’ve packed my stuff from the house. It was already dark and cold. It’s probably 8pm now. I had no watch or a phone to check what time it is already but I have instincts. We stopped at this sinister-looking gate. It was tall enough we couldn’t see its top as we were looking only inside the car’s windshield. It opened and we went straight to it. I wanted to ask Aunt Lisa about it but I think she will just ignore me so I forgotten that attempt. As we were entering through those gates I can see those dim lights lined up telling us where we should be heading. As we got further and deeper from those gates I saw this great groups of lights and this mansion. It was so big and bright. I couldn’t believe it seeing it with my own eyes. I was so desperate to know so I asked Aunt Lisa if we were in the right address but she just nodded in agreement. Maybe she wasn’t so bad at all. Maybe she became a businesswoman and fixed her life while we were out having our own affairs, leaving us not knowing because of that feud that she had with my mom but I couldn’t help but think why she was still wearing that prostitute’s dress. For that moment I ignored it and just appreciated what was right in front of me. We went to enter that gigantic mansion and there were even bodyguards inside it. Then came an old man in his robe and black shades who I think is Aunt Lisa’s husband. I was excited for a moment so I intentionally lend my hand to introduce myself until when she told me to wait outside. What a bitch! But the old man must be kind enough to tell my Aunt Lisa that it would be best if we stay for the night and that clearly includes me. He offered me to stay in the guest room. I said in a slight shy manner that it was fine with me even if inside I was overwhelmed and jumping non-stop. I was happy but also curious. If this wasn’t Aunt Lisa’s house then where are we? But those nerve-racking chandeliers and statues made me forget it all. A maid showed me my room for that night and boy what did I just saw? It was a paradise. An oasis in the desert? Is this heaven? I can’t explain it but it was like those in tv shows you always get to see where the rich characters shot their sex scenes. It was really beautiful. I felt like a royal. I fell asleep right after experiencing that room for almost an hour just looking at those details.

It was almost 3am when my Aunt suddenly woke me up and told me we needed to go immediately. She was acting odd and rather nervous. She has with her a huge bag which she didn’t have back then. I asked her where we’re going but she got mad at me and said the old man wants to kill him and to just do what she says and I did. We went through the windows because she told me it’s dangerous to go through that door since there are bodyguards probably looking for her and me too. We went immediately to the car to escape but it was the gate that got us scratching our heads. It was then when we heard the police sound sirens coming from outside. My Aunt Lisa was lying to me. She was stealing from him. She was a thief and a prostitute. I should’ve known. I was chained up together with my Aunt because they thought I was a thief too. We got into the police station and immediately the police recognized me. I got no one anymore and I was still considered a minor so I was sent to the foster care.

My life there wasn’t really bad but something was missing and I am still curious what my fate has for me.

After 2 months in the foster care, the head mistress called for me. The first thing she told me is that someone likes to adopt me and that he will be here tomorrow.

It was this day. Everything changed for me. I saw that old man back then from that big mansion (well not really old, he’s in his 50′s) and with him was my notebook. He told me “You have a great talent boy, I love children with talents, I want to help you.”

The old man adopted me and went on to become his heir to everything he owns. He became a father to me. He made me a writer. My mom was right after all. It wasn’t a maybe, it was my fate. The little notebook she gave me as a gift wrote my fate.