I’ve never felt so alone. I miss my family, I miss my home and I miss your smile. I remember the days of church pews and sunsets and long endless drives to the angry heart of nowhere. I remember the way that you kissed me. I remember the way that you said goodnight. I remember the way that we laughed. I remember all the times we never had. So tell me that everything will be okay, because it has to be. The summer never ended- I guess our hearts grew up alone. The summer never ended- I guess you just grew up. I’ll grow up someday.

My lungs are empty and i’m trapped beneath ice and snow, where my words are spoken through broken teeth that chatter. So shatter my frozen heart; watch these bones as they fall apart. We’ll stand as tall as mountains, with our arms reaching towards the west. We’ll talk of love and all that fuels us and find the courage to scream: “Bury me with the great ships at the bottom of the sea and let these waves wash over us so we can finally see that we are not alone. There’s so much more for us; despite the distance, we’re still one at heart.” I’m afraid of the future but I have sutures to mend our broken hearts.

If I close my eyes for a breath too long, can I ever wake up again, or will i sleep for good? Can you see me in your dreams? Can you see me in your sleep? At times I get so lonely, but I guess you wouldn’t know- the person I miss most is you six years ago. And at times I hear you’re smiling and I think I understand why I thought you threw away everything you had.

This time next year, will I have the courage to say, “I’m sorry- are you still proud of me?”

Every day is the same charade: weary ghosts frequenting their favorite haunts. We’re all tired but no one ever moves.

No effort is made until we forget and fade away.

I always found it strange how you found comfort when I spoke in foreign tongue. (In Polish) What do you want from me that you cannot say? What do you want from me that I cannot do?

And my words collapsed like the lungs you’ve overused, for I’ve wasted my best fleeting hopes, but they weren’t you. I keep my eyes firmly closed, hoping I won’t see your face. But you are everywhere a shadow, and I am so alone. I am so alone.

But what are ghosts except memories we can’t let go?

Today I am what I never was: I am truly alone. Tomorrow I’ll be what I wish I were today: I won’t be afraid anymore.

How I wish i could go back to the day where my heart was still working and I still had a brain, where I felt no pain. But that ship has sailed, it’s been lost out at sea for too long- it has been just you and me for too long. How I wish you could see how much you mean to me; how I long for your smile, how I long for our home. Most nights I can’t sleep; I lie in my bed thinking, “What is left of me?” I lie in my bed reminiscing on past dreams. I’m tired of living while drowning inside. I’m so tired of dying each night.

Well I’ve changed except my heart still beats too fast and my lungs still collapse and my legs still shake. I once thought love was real when we sat atop that hill and looked at cars below. We used to grow. You kissed me on the forehead and told me that you’d never let go. You told me that you’d love me until the end. Which begs the question, are we now dead? The person I thought I knew must be the person I once trusted until my bones rusted over in the snow we used to grow like the tallest tree in my backyard I used to know. Well happiness and joy and bliss, how it all disappeared so quick. So here’s to life and here’s to love. I’ve said it before, that I fade with the setting sun.

My ears are still ringing from the sound of your broken heart, beating faster than thought, caught in your stare, so encompassing. All resolve is lost as words fall from your lips, my trembling fingertips held out in question. So shake hands with regret, set to slip away. Your eyes crossing, rivers flowing under your pale feet. As the moments count down to flames, meet and greet death, he wears a cloak of your hopes and dreams, quenched like the raging fire they were once. You’re the breath he never found; you are the closed eyes peacefully resting while those around you are torn to pieces. You’re the smoke I pull to escape from thought of you. No touch, no shadow cast into mind, your hand fervidly held at your side as memories of you flow through mine an empty space more lonesome for what it has lost. You’re the sunset smile thundering out of a careless moment, you’re the tightly closed fingers holding in a breath. If you would stay here with me, one more minute, I would steal the world.

I watched the sun set in your eyes for the last time. I thought you died that night. You called me to tell me you wouldn’t survive. I heard the wind blowing through your hair.

I would’ve given anything to be there. I could have sworn that I was. It’s not that I want to die, I just want to disappear.

Do you think that I still dream of you or long for the warmth that your body would provide? Winter has never felt like it lasted for so long, but I’ve grown used to the cold, and I know that you see there’s no warmth where you are.

So I embrace the parts of myself that I long to change.

Is this the face that you were waiting to see?

I embrace the parts that I hate because they remind me of when we were nearly the same.

Find me where eyes are afraid to meet, where held hands can cripple fingers. That’s how strong our love could be. But I’m still so scared.

I am so scared by the things I cannot see. Like the simple idea I don’t keep you up at night with a smile tickling of your mouth. Share my collapse, there’s enough weight here to bury us both.

It’s just another dream.

It’s just another dream.

I’m still surrounded by these four blank walls. Every picture I’ve painted has been taken down. The only difference: I don’t forget the stars anymore. I still believe they will never collapse. Maybe I’m just naïve but I wish and wish and wish. Why am I so unsure? Why do both the past and future haunt me now? Maybe I’ll leave this town when my fears become too strong; maybe I’ll leave this town when the last star falls.

Maybe I’ll leave this town when my fears become too strong.

Maybe I’ll leave this town when my fears become too strong; maybe I’ll leave this town when the last star falls.

My blinding distraction gone in seconds for hours of your wasted moments. I dug a grave for my purpose. Tuned in to a bright future sat front row as it crumbled and fell. Tie me up nice so I don’t have to feel this relief flowing through my veins I traded my soul for a rush, my fix, now I hurt without, even with. Always chasing always hating ever loving never enough my subconscious effort not to succeed. Where did my refuge go? You used to hold me, now we embrace and you turn your back.

If something in the past can teach me, I’ll look back to find it. I swear I’ll feel brave someday, just not yet.

My heart stopped.

I’ve been cutting ties with emotion, I’ve been trying to get by without devotion. I didn't want to feel or smile or, better yet, didn't want to have to learn to feel things again.

What can I leave behind that will never fade? Where can I place my pride? Where will I find something that feels sincere? For every dream that I’m still trying to fill, I’ve had to let go of countless more. How do I know which ones to keep? How do I know if it’s not too late? Why now? I used to dream of being an artist; the world needed paint as bright as my visions. But love never shows it’s true colors - the world reflected black so I painted myself.