it's strangling me

unruly garden

vines entangling

never knowing what will happen first-

if they'll start to spill

to sprout unbidden from between my teeth

and show themselves

or leave me a husk

empty

and i know

i can't live like this

but i can't say it either

i don't have the words

the right words

the ones that could make you understand

because i know the truth would kill me

just a little

in your eyes

a daughter vanished into nothing

and something undefined left in her place

and i'm not sure

you'd still care

backseat of the same car

we've had since I was ten

we drive through the town I grew up in

and am desperate to leave behind

we look at the lights

tradition

snowflakes hang in the air with the very same

brilliance of a camera flash

artificial illumination stains the lawns

and it's beautiful

like always

but there's that pit in my stomach

that comes with the season

of knowing the traditions

and the performances I have to put on

to hide the pain of being home

where you don't know me

not really

not anymore

you can't see me

not behind the shine of that practiced smile

not behind the lights

astigmatism augments

and obstructs your view

like always