The worst place to be is without a home. Way over middle age and sleeping on a roll away in your sisters house. Sharing a room with the cat litter box. No place of your own and no job. Family members thinking you are less than because you have no home. All of you things packed in boxes in the garage. Asking for money to pay for gas and car insurance. Feeling like no one really cares. The nieces and nephews think they are better than you. You have no hope, feeling like a failure, wanting to leave, having no where to go. Being embarrassed by circumstances created by the economy and death of a spouse. No on should ever go through this. This is the worst place to be. Without a home.

The worst place, is here without you.

You may think nothing can be worse,

than the prison that holds you.

The bars that clang shut every night,

holding you in.

You may think never leaving that place,

is the worst that can happen.

You may understand that your actions.

caused your prison and your pain,

and there you must stay.

Being here without you is worse,

than your prison.

I have done nothing to cause my imprisonment,

yet here I am.

For you see my prison was created by you.

The prison that holds my hear,

the bars that will never open.

Unless, a mircle granted by God, releases you.

then and only then will my heart be free,

and my prison bars crumble .

Until that day, my son,

I live as you in the prison you created.

My late spouse was my hero. He put up with a lot from me, because he loved me.

I was pregnant again, however, I could never be sure if it was Harvey’s or Steve’s. Harvey said it did not matter. He quit drinking. Just like that he told all his friends, “I’m going to be a father and be responsible for a family. I can’t drink anymore.” He never did drink again like before. Harvey asked if I wanted to keep the baby. We kept him, and Harvey raised him as his own. We will never know who his bio dad is, but we know who his father is. It’s like Earl (Beth’s father-in-law) stated, “Fifty percent of the fathers in this world are just guys who got caught in the trap.” Harvey however chose to be in the trap, because he loved me.

He took me away from all the junk that I was living in. He moved me to Los Angeles California. We lived together for thirty-two years. He worked hard and provided for me and the children we eventually had.

I left him twice and both times he took me back.

It was 1996 and I was not doing well mentally. I had been talking to Gary (my first husband) on the phone and decided to go to Arizona where he lived.

I broke Harveys heart that day. He wrote a letter I never found until after his death. I am reprinting it here.

She’s gone. She will never be back. Gary has always wanted her and now she wants him too. She said there was hope, but I don’t think so. She was just trying not to hurt me. My friend always said, “Never give your heart to a woman.” I couldn’t help it. She has a smile that melts my heart. She told me I was never happy. If she only knew the truth. Living with her made me very happy. I just have trouble showing it. I should have told her how I really felt. I was too selfish and didn’t pay enough attention to her feelings. I should never have left Tennessee. I have failed in life. I have nothing but regrets. I have failed God and my friends. I long to be with her and hold her in my arms, but it is too late. I found a love I never thought could exist. All I know is my heart and soul, my very being loves her. I let my temper and my mouth drive her away. I know she was sad sometimes. She lives with a constant broken heart. She has eight children who are scattered in many directions, along with her heart. I know how she feels because part of my heart is with our child. Her pain must be so much greater. I need to forget that I ever had feelings. I told her to only come back if it would make her happy. She won’t be back. She’s gone for good and I need to learn to live alone.

I did go back, and we made it work. He was a very forgiving man. It’s hard to believe with a heart that big that he was afraid to express his feelings. I have known a lot of men, very few of them were great men. My brothers, and Harvey fall into this category.

I lost Harvey in 2018. He had diabetes and congestive heart failure. The illness finally became too much for him. He passed on Christmas Eve.

He was one in a million, he loved his family and friends and was always there when anyone needed him.

I miss him more than I can fully express. He was my lover, my husband, the father of my children, my protector and yes my hero.

Here's to all the heros out there who raise other peoples children. To the heros who live with pain inflicted by those they love, I say bless you.

If you have a hero in your life let them know before its too late.

Tom wasn’t as violent in the daytime as he was at night. It felt like I was living in hell. I was ok at work when I could pretend, I was normal. It was when I went home that I was very depressed and unhappy.

I even planned to murder him. I didn’t know where to get a gun or even how to use one, but I planned it anyway. I think maybe just the planning gave me hope.

Richard came to my job one night. I was almost ready to leave when he showed up.

While passing by a river, I saw a tree along my route. It was growing at the waters’ edge. However, it seemed to be struggling to become as great as the other trees in the area.

One side it was covered with old vines. Possibly they had grown up the side of the tree and died. I couldn’t say for sure. As I looked at that tree, I thought about people.

The people God has chosen as His own. Those who have sought and received Salvation. Often, we are as that tree struggling against; past regrets, past mistakes, etc.…

Those things that hold us back from becoming all that God wants us to be.

If we ask, He will cut away all those dead vines of past issues. He will give us the freedom to become a might oak. To grow in His love and mercy. We only need ask.

Pure joy? Have you seen a small child with their first taste of summer ice cream? The wonder and joy on their little faces, is so pure it makes everyone smile and laugh. Try it sometime. On a hot summer day take a spoonful and close your eyes. Taste the joy of summer, as the sweetness hits your tongue. It doesn't get much better.

Oh, man. Yes MAN that is what i have become. I knew this would happen. I was told once that at the age of eighteen all gender is swapped. It has finally happened to me.

Gone are the days of leg wax and push-up bras. I am offically an eighteen year old dude. This is what I have waited for my whole life.

Now I just need to find a manual for how to be a guy. Got any ideas? I think I should start with my older brother. He must have been a girl once too.

Is this why young guys are not as sensitive as the older ones? The young ones are waiting to be female. The older ones have already been female. This is unbelievable. I think my first adventure as a dude will be to go and buy new clothes. Ok, new clothes? Does that mean that somewhere deep inside me I am still a girl? Help, I am a guy trapped in a guy's body that thinks like a girl.

Hoping this is all a dream and I will wake up and be ok.

His death was expected. He was very sick. The last two years were hard on her. Sometimes she wished death would hurry and take him, such a burden. Now he is gone and she has never been so lonely. She wants to go back and have more time with him. She will forever be sorry she hurried it along. Sorry she thought him a burden.

We must remember when death speaks there isn't any do over.