I can feel you slowly awakening

When you hear the sound of his laughter,

Feel the warmth of his body

Taste his tongue in your mouth.

You crave his love, you need it.

But I cannot allow you to have it

You’ve been asleep for so long

The world has hurt me in your absence

I’m only doing you a favor.

This world is cruel and heartless

Men will take advantage of your innocence

Boys will mistake your smile for flirting

The subtlest show of skin

No becomes unheard.

People will lie and deceive you

They’ll break your heart

And run away with your soul

You don’t have much to give away.

I hear your parents asking for you

Wondering where there little girl ran off to

They miss you, you know

But I can’t let you leave.

You’re so kind and beautiful

The mind of a child

So naive and pure

Your memories cause me to weep.

I’m sorry I have to do this

I promise I’m only protecting you

I care about you

I just want to shield you from the world.

He knows you’re in there

I don’t know how, but he does

I know you feel it

He’s trying so hard to reach you.

He’s un relentless

His heart beats for you

He makes you feel alive

I can feel it when he’s around.

I don’t like being cold or insensitive

I just want to be loved too,

But my sweet darling, protect yourself

I want to be freed too.

My heart Vs. my mind.

The girl I used to be

Vs.

The girl I was forced to become.

She’s still in there.

I can feel her heart beating

It never stopped

But sometimes she hurts too.

It is now 6 am

Rest has yet to come

I’m 19 years today.

Woohoo

I ruined my own birthday

Before anyone else could.

I am madly and deeply

In love with you.

Forever and always.

Until death do us apart.

After years and years of pretending like I stopped caring

He called me.

He called me from prison.

My daddy.

I was speechless as I listened to his voice

He immediately apologized for leaving me

I forgave him.

I never thought I would forgive him as easily as I did,

But I was tired of being angry and hurt

I just wanted my daddy.

He told me that just because he was never there

Doesn't mean he never thought of me.

As soon as those words escaped his lips,

I fell apart.

I could no longer see the phone in my hands

His words were muffled as he kept apologizing,

Repeating the words "I know" over and over.

I was no longer the heartless monster I assumed to be

I was the little girl desperate for her daddy's love and attention.

My daddy calls me every now and then when he can

I look forward to his calls

I love him so much and now I know he loves me too.

My daddy says I can tell him anything

If I ever just need someone to talk to, I can lean on him

I think he's just trying to make up for lost time,

But I am too.

18 years without him has really fucked me up.

He says he wants to meet my children one day

He wants to attend my wedding

He wants an opportunity to be the father he never was.

8 years a slave to his silence;

I am finally free.

I always wondered why my daddy left

Was I not good enough?

Why did he choose drugs over his own daughter?

The absense of my father's presence

Has psychologically fucked me up well into adulthood

I always wondered why he didn't love me

Did I ever cross his mind?

I grew up loathing myself

Thinking there was something wrong with me

Since my dad so easily walked away.

I grew up hating men

Seeing my father in their eyes

I broke so many hearts in vain.

I became the type of girl who refused to get her heart broken,

so I became the destroyer of love.

My daddy broke my heart before I was even born.

Because of him, I have always been afraid of falling in love,

Yet I gave myself to boys who never deserved to see me

So naked and vulnerable.

I never cared what happened to me

Nothing could compare to the pain that dawned on me

All I wanted was my daddy.

I have never known a love like this,

A love that can burn the universe

Into a million tiny flames.

I have never loved anyone like this

I never thought it was possible

To love this much, but I do.

I love him so much

It drives me to insanity and chaos

I am afraid of the love that consumes

Every fiber and bone of my being.

This love I hold for him could

Drown the world, but instead

My heart and mind are at war.

Every voice inside my head

Tells me to run.

Every emotion contained within my heart

Tells me to stay.

I should just love him while I can.

I should leave before I lose myself

I should leave before I drown myself

I should leave before I get even more

Emotionally attached, if that’s even possible.

Run

Stay

Run

Stay

Run

One foot out the door.

Half in. Half out.

I should have known he was just using me

I shouldn’t of dropped everything for him like I did

He was never loyal to me

My friends found him on multiple dating sites

Throughout the course of our relationship,

But I chose to ignore it.

My fault.

Why is love so blinding?

He said he loved me.

I believed him.

His actions proved otherwise,

But I ignored the red flags,

I continue to find evidence of his disloyalty,

Yet I remain.

He says he wants to marry me,

But I can’t trust him to remain faithful.

He says he wants to start a family,

But I can’t trust him to not break us apart.

His past is troubling and I try to forget it,

But glimpses of his past are seeping in

He’s caving in and I can’t stop him.

I found out he was watching porn.

I wondered why he hadn’t been touching me

Sadly I found out and left the tab open

So he knew I knew.

I cannot forgive him

He is making the same mistakes over and over

No matter how much we fight, I don’t pussy out like he does

I don’t seek comfort in porn or

Run away and fuck the first person that calls me back

I don’t hit up other people in desperate need of meaningless connection.

I expected so much from him,

But only because I know what I am willing to do.

I don’t want to give up,

But when is it enough?

I don’t even know where to begin

The whole story is so fucked up,

Yet I remain a part of it.

Why can’t I just walk away?

Because I love him.

We’re both playing games,

Burning and crashing

But he is so easy to give up

and I am a runner just like my daddy.

Love shouldn’t hurt this much should it?

When is it okay to walk away?

How do I know his love is true?

How can I believe a word he says

When it was so easy for him

To fuck another girl

The day after we broke up.

I thought I meant more than that to him.

I thought the love we shared was real.

He had the audacity to hit me up

Like he didn’t just fuck some bitch

The night before and took her out

On a picnic that I waited for

Before I lost hope.

I pretended like I didn’t see that hickey.

I kissed him anway.

I hugged him anyway.

I lost all my friends,

Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake.

I never should of allowed him to come back into my life.

I thought he was different.

When he broke up with me the first time,

I was heartbroken;

My first love and my first heartbreak.

Him.

I didn’t hook up with anyone else

Because I still loved him and I had hope.

I found out he called up as many girls as he could

He called them beautiful, texted them goodnight,

Took them out on dates.

How do I know if I’m being played?

Every voice in my head tells me to run,

To pack my shit and leave,

But my feet remain in place.

I cannot stand the thought of him with anyone else.

He claims he needs me to sleep,

But I can hear him snoring as I fall apart

Lost and lonely.

I cut again. Not too deep, but enough to feel

Something else then sorrow even if it is pain.

I was loyal from the beginning,

I told every guy I was done searching,

But he never was.

My love was once upon a time so innocent and pure

Now I am deranged, crazy, and psychotic.

Why do I stay?

Why do we keep coming back to each other?

Is this even love?

I don’t know what to do.

I can’t sleep, I refuse to eat, and my thoughts won’t stop racing.

My thigh is stinging from the incision,

But it is the only thing keeping me sane.

I’m just so afraid to lose him that it drives me mad.

I found out he started watching porn again

When he promised me he wouldn’t.

Am I not good enough?

Now the thought of his naked body against mine

Is revolting and I feel so ashamed of myself.

What do those girls have that I lack?

I don’t even want him looking at me,

But I still crave the touch of his skin and lips.

I don’t know what to do.

I want to trust him, but I feel so betrayed

Like I could walk away and I would be

Just another face in the crowd

Just another body in his bed.

I want to believe in him, in us.

I really do love him

I have dreamed of our future together,

But what if he never changes?

Maybe my problem is

I love too much and I forgive too easily.

Our love was not quiet nor faint

I screamed into the wee hours of the night

His hands lost in my hair, pulling

His length inside of my body, thrusting

I felt his sweat dripping down on me

Our bodies in perfect harmony, unison.

We were never meant

To fall in love,

But we did.

I knew from the moment

Our lips touched,

I wanted him to be my last.

I saw my future

In his eyes and tasted

The sweet ecstasy

Of unrequited love

On his soft, pink lips.