I've always been naturally skinny,
The kind of skinny girls starve
And die for, but I have never been
Happy with my body.
I'm trying to change that, but my
Anxiety is holding me by my
Spinal cord, unable to function.
I know people are busy popping
Squats and lifting weights, but
I can't help but feel like every eye
Is silently judging me, examining my
Body like a CAT scan. They're sizing
Me up and my body is no match for
These body builders. I desire a sculpted
Muscular body with abs and a squat ass,
But my anxiety refuses to let me enter
The danger zone. My eyes immediately
Survey the gym and my mind is triggered.
There are too many people, too many
Eyes, too many minds, too many...
I try to shrink inside myself as my
Lungs collapse and sweat rolls down
My forehead, my plastered smile becomes
Dangerous. People believe I am okay.
Maybe I'm just really tired from my
First few reps. That's what people think,
But my body is fine. My mind is working
On overdrive. I run out of the gym and sit
In my car, driving home as tears roll down
My cheeks. Why can't I just be normal?
When did the simple act of living
Become so fucking difficult?
When did closing my eyes for the night
Become such a blessing and opening
Them the next morning become a curse?