Hey! This isn't a poem, more just an update.

I'm trying to get more publicity for my poetry instagram, @joyful.jots ! Would appreciate if you'd have the time to give it a look! I'm happy to follow back any poetry accounts that let me know they came from here :)

Thanks!

-MJ

It's fine. I'll just hold it.

I sit on the floor, my arm starting to feel a bit cramp from the reach around to hold the knife in my back. He said he would be back for it, so I just sit and wait. My hand gets a bit clammy and sticky from the bloody smudge pressing the hot steel tip near my lower spinal cord. I breathe slowly through clenched teeth, holding it right there, just as deep as where he left it. It hurts, but I hold it for him.

He'll be back. So I'll just hold it.

my chest ripped out

my intestine and bone fall,

my ribs slinking from their regularly swung position

nothing keeps together as my insides collapse,

and pour

my hands redden as i push and prod

push and prod my sludge back together,

but shoving and touching

are useless,

and messy

there is no undoing when you’re ripped out like this

there is no stitch,

no staple, or zipper

to re-contain this terminal blood loss

so what can you do?

with blood

and marrow on your hands?

with wound,

and muck, and mess?

for starters, i breath

i breath in the morning air,

and while yes, cold, and startling

my ribs no longer constrain my lungs

so they fill up with the most exuberant morning air

that fit and fill between them

and when i let go

i fill them again

second, i walk

sure, i leave footprints behind me

red, stampy footprints, that advertise my presence

my dirt, heaping presence

but they are behind me

so i don’t look back, even though they are they are messy

they are mine

i continue to walk

once i’ve walked, and i’ve breathed,

i climb

to the highest mountain

at who-knows-where peak

and who-knows-why point

i climb, nothing left inside

to weigh me down

or hold me back,

nothing in my body at risk of losing

it’s already been lost

i climb high, leaving my messy trail

of pennied misery behind me

i can’t stop to clean, or weigh, or worry

I MUST KEEP CLIMBING

MY INSIDES HAVE NOTHING ELSE TURN

NO WHERE ELSE TO GO

I MUST KEEP CLIMBING

hours, days, precipices later

i stand on the summit

and gaze out at the sky before me

the beauty of the horizon echos out below me

and finally, lastly, i see

in my final acknowledgment of all that i’ve lost,

i reach my hands inside my chest

into the amalgam of intestine, and bone,

and blood,

that was so ripped from me before

i take my red hands,

dirty and pure,

and i smack them into the ground of the summit

pressing, and marking,

and staining my place on that mountain

maybe i cry, maybe i’m still

but i wipe my stain all over, leaving NO stone unturned

EVERYONE must know that i’ve been here

EVERYONE MUST KNOW THAT I’VE BEEN HERE

THAT I’VE RIPPED AND OPENED

AND SLIT

I EMPTIED AND POURED

AND WRUNG

AND I AM NOTHING

AND I AM NOTHING

THAT BREATHED THE BREATH OF MORNING

AND WALKED A WALK OF ROADS UNSEEN

AND CLIMBED A CLIMB OF DAYS ON END

AND I AM HERE

AND I AM HERE AND MY BLOOD WILL REMAIN HERE

MY BLOOD WILL REMAIN HERE AND I WILL REMAIN

I WILL REMAIN, WHOLE

AND OPEN

AND EMPTY

AND BURNING

AND ALIVE

SO MUCH ALIVE

I AM SO MUCH ALIVE

Look

I think we got off to a bad start

It's really not your fault how awful I've been feeling

Really, it isn't

And I've been blaming you for that, that was my bad

It's just that

You know how great last year was?

You know how great that was for me?

Having him in my life this time last year?

It was so heavenly

HE was so heavenly

He made me love you

He made me love the leaves, and the sky

And sending him pictures of how beautiful you could get

I loved wearing his clothes when you got extra chilly

And then it was like you and I had a little thing to share

Just the two of us

We could talk about how great he was making us

How loving him was making me love you even more

I could whisper how lucky I was to your winds at night

Like girls gossiping at a sleepover

He was like a little bond we shared, something to keep us connected

He was the sap of our birchwood kinship

Because I loved him, and you gave him to me

And I was so grateful to you for that

So look, it's not your fault that he's not around this year

I've been blaming you, hating you for not bringing him back

For making me walk the crunchy leafy streets alone

For having no extra warmth to your chilly autumn air

For taking pictures and having no smiley boy to send them to

For feeling alone

For missing that

But it's not your fault

You didn't do that to me, and I shouldn't have blamed you for it

That was unfair

Because this is probably hard on you too

I lost him, but you lost both of us

I've been sulking a lot lately,

Staying inside and resenting the season I used to hold so dearly

That used to reek of new love, and possibility

Depressed and disillusioned, as many often are with you

That you could be so loving one year

And so vacant the next. So grief-stricken, and mournful

But I'm sorry. Him leaving didn't mean you're out to get me

It doesn't mean you're trying to hurt me, or haunt me

You're just doing what you always do

You're wonderful

You're as wonderful as always

Because even now that I'm alone,

Alone, and stubborn, and vengeful,

You still gift me autumn days

And crisp breezes,

And orange sunsets, and spicy donuts,

And thick sweaters that I don't have to share,

And the smell of pumpkin and leaves,

And bags of apples, and warm hugs and fires,

And you know what?

They may not be mine and his

But now they are mine and yours to share.

I can hold your hand as I walk sunsetted streets,

And whistle with your winds as I crash into leaf piles,

And share the sight of the moon with you

Except you don't need me to send you a picture

You can watch it right there with me

I think you've actually been right with me the whole time

It's good to have you back, my friend

It's good to be back myself