Words and emotions twist

through heart and mind

of this new discovery

that was me all along

of sexuality undefined

of state of mind and

presence of form

in thé shape of a friend

or just someone who

fits the emotion of

a tried and true friend

whose no longer

an unintentional

unreciprocated object

of my affections just

the object of this

new defining moment

of self discovery of

limerical limerence

whose only purpose

was to throw an

anchor onto a person

whose acquaintance I’ve

just charmed, whose

only interaction was a

smile politely at some

friendly humor of

unintentional intent

and not the romantic

reciprocation of feelings

from an utter unknown

just a new psychological

definition of awareness

of self discovery

Words evade me, wrestling

from my grasp

and then float as if taunting,

calling me to chase

They have been silent

for so long I hardly

recognize my old friends

its as if a curtain has drawn

closing off the light

as they mull around

waiting for their turn

at my pen’s tip, waiting to matter

but this curtain, scares me

because the the words have

always found a way

to break through

This black curtain seeps

into my daily life

and words that used to come

so freely in speech

Are starting to escape

as I speak and ideas

have been muddled

to the black goo

of age and memories

of loves and lovers

are slipping from memory

and with no escape

from darkness as I wake

and sit with my coffee

in the morning looking

and hoping that at least

the words will come

with the daybreak

and rescue me from

my fears of age

Waking up, alone on the dock

to our lake house

to the cold and light

of day

not remembering

the time sleep took me

or the hours tears

fell

but remembering the

lateness in the hour

people left and I could

Let go

let go of the tears I held

when you passed

after I changed

the IV and

going to the living

room to get you

a blanket, a twenty

second walk at best

and it was just as if

you had taken a nap

no horrible end

I feared

and as I put the

blanket on you

your head

fell to the side

and I knew you were

gone, and when I called

your name and you didn’t

wake…

the light of the noon hour

had shined it’s brightest

just as if it were

only for you

and as I called the dr

no tears came

and when the coroner

came to take you

it was such a beautiful

day that I felt it right

that you should leave

in such beauty

as if the world used it

all up to see you off

and rightfully so

but it was no match for you

no match for the beautiful

person you are

…were

and it was the memory

of that day that I held

On to, that got me through

the days after, when decisions

that we had not prepped for

cropped up

and left me with tasks to

do, to take these final steps

of your life and see you off

in a way you wanted

to be remembered

and after the arrangements,

after the wake and service

and after the dirt hit the coffin,

i made my way

To the place you loved

and I let go, let it all out

so much so I cried

through the night

and passed out

waking the next day

still in my suit

and with dried tears

on my face

i made my way to

your chair, and reached

out my hand

and like a fool

I half expected it there

and I sat there the

rest of the day

wanting to feel you

there in your favorite spot

to feel the love that

we knew that held us

in the waning hours

of your life

Who are you? That has captivated me

with a single "hello"?

Who has spoken a thousand and one

words with me

never to be thought of

as more than a friend...

But here you are...

Sleeping next to me

in a night of forgotten

friendships and with no

words spoken...

Just an act of love

That was hidden and

emerged from a night

of hope and needed

company...not from anyone

Just you, only you...

that has settled into my heart

Who are you? Whose

thoughts and feelings

expressed with passion

that has ignited mine

Just you, only you...

Just an act of love

There are times,

like just now when

I wish I could take

your picture to look

back on

Because we are

human and mask

these moments

with every imaginable

flattery

But a picture

of just how you

turned to face me

with that smile

was devastating

And I wonder

if you heard me

gasp as the

lightening struck

halting me

I wish I could

have a picture

of that moment

of your face

of your smile

that moment of you…

When I was young, and dating

I would Never take a date to

a movie but rather stroll

through the art institute

just to see what would catch

their eye or hear their thoughts

on a favorite piece of art

And ponder on their answers

Do they think like me?

If they don’t, can we get along

and discuss what we like about

the things that touch us

or inspire us or simply

what we call art…

When I was young, and dating

I would Never take a date to

places were we couldn’t talk but

rather stroll through the park

where we could talk about

things like hopes and dreams

or pains and sorrows…

And wonder if we have it in

us, to listen to one another

and hear the things that we

need, to help us grow and

simply lend a shoulder to

understand the things in our

lives that simply need caring

When I was young, and dating

I would be corny and sometimes

break into song, and sing a duet

simply because it was in my heart

and I would wait…and listen…

to see if I was with someone who

could pick up the other side of the duet…

and answer me in or out of tune

and be with me, and share time

with me in when life is low

or filled with happiness

and understand that I can be

just a nerd, with a song in

his heart, that simply needs…

I bet you smile when you send those…

Those little pieces of your whimsy

in short bursts of carefully chosen

words…

That captures the moment to

show how clever you really

are, and I bet as you read this,

you’ll smile, too

And as the night goes on

as we quickly reply

back and forth in our

typing banter

The sleep finds us as

we wind down and the

furious exchange

of quick wit

falls into the

last good nights

with hopeful thoughts

and silent smiles

as we end our

echange of clever

whimsy

I want to hold you close

and feel your breath

on my face as we

slow dance and

look into your

beautiful brown eyes

I want to touch

your face and feel

you breathe deeply

as I taste your lips

and tremble from

this long awaited kiss

As it ends, I pull back

and say, I hope

you liked that

and you surprise me

by touching my face

and kiss me back

And as this kiss ends,

we just hold each other

and you pull back

and ask…well?

and I simply say

I don’t want to ruin

this moment

And I touch your

hair and look in your

eyes and let the

words of a kiss

speak my response

aa I fall into your lips

In my drafts are the

brief beginnings of

writings, stories

and failed poetry

some written

and some that

were inklings but

never fleshed out

I save these cadavers

to look at every now

and then...

and then there is one,

a continuation of

a horror story

of a man who

does horrible things

Things that passed

through my mind

and landed on the

page...things that left

my fingers with such

ease that I was scared

Scared that the ease

these words and

images came from

me and my mind

of romantic words

and visions of

erotic exchanges

The world is

filled with such

horrible things

that I put these

pieces of writing

away and look at

them not to work

But to remind myself

that they came from me

and that to have written

them with such ease

that somewhere

deep down,

...the nice guy

isn't so nice...

(free writing, 7mins13secs)

I wonder if we had

stayed together would

we be honest with

each other

eventualy learning

our secrets are

better left undisturbed

under all the smiles

and lies we tell

ourselves to go on

and I can't help

but wonder what

would be said

if I broke this

curse and like

the princesses

I awoke these

slumbering feelings

we keep deep down

in the pit of ourselves

with a kiss

would a kiss be

enough to bring

these feeling to surface

or would it take

more than feeling

my mouth on yours

feeling your breath

on my face as

our lips meet

meet and quench

this thirst that overcomes

me when I see you -

quenches my desire

when I hear your voice

speak my name

Speak my name

And bring me

into exhistence

and sear my skin

with the touch

of your lips

and the searching

look of your eyes

as we look for

answers not knowing

if these feelings are

real...

or the foolish lies

of lust