am i worth the wait?

i read stories,

of star-crossed lovers.

two people

one heart.

two lives

one love.

after searching for a long time

i found someone who gave me hope.

he was different

something that i could fall in love with.

but after so many years of searching,

after finally finding an option,

i began to ask a different question.

not who would love me

but how?

i know that i am difficult to love.

it would take a lot of persuasion and waiting.

i am difficult to love.

am i worth the wait?

as tears stream down my face in the dark

the hum of the car speeding through the night,

i finally realized i was the problem.

that i am too difficult to love.

and after a while of constantly fighting for my trust,

they will leave.

just like the first time.

because i am too difficult to love

and not worth the wait.

there’s a fine line between

INDEPENDENCE

and

solitude.

some walk it gracefully

while others stumble on the

t. i. g. h. t. r. o. p. e.

as it sways

back

and

forth

between comfort and

lonliness

and sometimes,

you can’t tell the difference

because in the end they’re both just

dull.

it’s when everything around you looks the same

but the feeling attatched to it completely changed.

i’ve noticed that when you are young,

the world has a partucular

glow.

the sun always shined BRIGHTER

and the colors were warm.

the trees danced, rather than swayed

and the world was LOUD with

imagination.

when you begin to walk the line,

the colors f a d e....

and what used to be good just

is.

and existence just seems to

exist.

until you lose your balance

and are grabbing for the rope

with no idea what side you are

on but not caring either way

and then you

.

.

fall.

.

.

but as you do,

life does not flash before your eyes.

because what you didn’t see

as your mind was

f o c u s e d

on the

t. i. g. h. t. r. o. p. e.

was the line

______

beneath

your own.

one made of silver.

one stronger than yours.

and when you reach

the end

you land onto this silver lining,

and the world begings to

change.

your eyes focus more

and days become miracles

and the present becomes a gift.

as light embraces you,

slowly pulling you out of the

dull

and back into the

color.

have you ever changed someone?

came up with a personality for them in your head

and end up falling in

Love?

he would be the boy who thought of me often.

who never wanted to see me cry.

he would be be the boy who does no wrong.

who rejects everyone else because they aren't me.

he would be the boy who was strong in his faith.

who leads others to life.

he would be the boy to tell me i'm beautiful.

who pulled me out of the final stretches of darkness.

he would be the boy to make me laugh.

make me smile for no reason.

make me notice the good things in the world.

make me stop and listen to the sounds of rain and cars passing by.

make me stop and wonder how it will be one day.

.

.

.

but that is not who he is.

he is the boy who texts me when he needs something.

who never listens to what i have to say.

he is the boy who goes out with girls on weekends.

who doesn't pretend they are me.

he is the boy who drinks every weekend.

who goes to chruch the next day.

he is the boy who looks down on people.

who doesn't bring out the best in me.

he is the boy who makes me wonder.

makes me think about whether he will love me.

makes me wonder whether i will ever be good enough.

makes me compare myself to the girls he hangs out with.

makes me cry in the middle of the night for not noticing me.

he is the boy who ends up hurting me

every.

single.

time.

but i let him do it anyway.

because in my mind's eye

he is perfect.

and i am the one not good enough.

When is it going to happen?

When will I finally be able to look at myself and think-

I look beautiful.

When will I finally accept who I am?

Accept the scars that mark my body

the scars that mark my heart.

When will I be able to accept

the tears that I've cried?

When can I look at the progress that I've made

--which is a lot--

and be proud of myself?

I long to feel the way others do.

Careless and happy.

I want someone to love me,

but when will I learn to love myself?

I miss him.

I miss him so much,

but my mind doesn’t want to admit it.

I pretend that he wants me too.

When he turns back,

he’s actually looking at me.

When he walks by,

it’s because he wanted to see me.

I pretend that we have this secret affection.

That his heart longs for mine,

and I’m the one who doesn’t want him.

I’m the one who is too good for him.

too smart for him,

too pretty for him,

too much for him.

But my mind is a liar,

and my eyes decieve me.

For the fact is,

it’s all deception.

When he turns around,

he’s looking at someone else.

When he comes by,

he’s just walking.

And anyone can see

he’s too good for me.

He doesn’t even notice my existence anymore.

And as much as I want him to,

he doesn’t want me.

I'm feeling strange.

My chest is throbbing,

as I sit alone on my bed.

I wish for someone to talk to,

but I don't want anyone to see.

I want to feel someone's arms around me,

but there's no one I would want to touch.

I long so badly for someone.

to listen to my sorrows,

to be the one that I trust.

Bu there's no one like that.

There's no one that could fill this gap.

So all I can do is sit alone,

wishing for someone to hold me,

but not letting anyone close.

Drool down my face.

Oh, what a dreadful place.

Although the ground is soft,

I know not where I am,

As my body lays strewn across the hot, desert sand.

Oh, what a dreadful place.

My head pounds,

as I look out to the open space.

There’s no one in sight,

and I’ve come here without a trace.

Oh, what a dreadful place.

I see the broken bottle,

that sits where I laid,

I think to myself as my vision fades,

“oh, what a dreadful place.”

Even around the blue skies,

I can’t escape who I am inside.

My mind is a trap,

my addiction holds me hostage,

and I can’t escape.

for when I look around,

I know I can’t escape.

What looks like a paradise,

is my dreadful place.