
I Am/Am I?
I am a writer.
Am I a writer?
When do I go from a writer
Who waits
To a waiter
Who writes as a hobby?
I'm not a waiter.
Why'd I say waiter?
What metaphor am I trying to achieve?
That's it --trying
Always reaching
Never grasping
Always just shy
Or this close.
No awards, no accolades
No recognition
No published work
And I'm thirty.
Not an ingenue
Not a new voice
Not a brilliant prodigy.
Thirty
And my book is still half written
And my poems are still trite
And naive
And irrelevant
Ever increasingly irrelevant
Because as I grow older
I fall ever away
From the people, to which
I long to relate
I am a writer.
Am I a writer?
Sometimes I wonder
Because I feel like a writer
When one line of brilliance
Hits my insomniac mind
And I cannot sleep
Until it's written
On any scrap of paper
To be found
But I wake up in the morning
And that sentence, so profound
Is gibberish, it makes no sense
Am I a writer?
I write a new word
But I hate it
The old word was better
But no longer fits
I feel like that word
Never right, never fitting
Always searching
I think I lost my generation
Or maybe it doesn't exist
Because we're all consumed
With chasing fleeting
Fragments of the past
That we hold nothing
That's just ours
I am no voice
To that generation
Because that generation
Is voiceless by choice
Everyone has their own drum
And they beat to their content
They don't need a guide
So why do I still
Feel this need to fill some void
That if I write for long enough
Or say enough
Perhaps I'll find some meaning
They'll find some meaning.
I hold that flickering hope
A candle flame
I make believe it's a torch.
And then I'll swear that I'm done
I'll blow out the flame.
I'll give up forever.
And then I'll wake
And I'll pick up a pen.
Dance with me
Beneath a crystal moon.
I know that yours
Is blood red
And my midnights
Are your mornings
And the very fabric
Of space and time
Has wrapped itself around us
But I hear the melody
Of the stars
Beyond the silence of space
I hear your song
Your beautiful voice in harmony
With the crashing of ocean waves.
And my feet move, despite themselves
To the rhythm of two hearts
And Then There Was You
You make normal
Some magical thing
And you make me
Normal
I never thought that could be.
I enjoy the sunshine now
I always swore
I was overcast.
That was me. And that was that.
And then there was you.
With you it's easy.
I'm not trying to be
The version of me
That I think you want
You're not trying to be
Vague and interesting
To keep some sexual appeal.
I've been down that road
And I know where it ends.
But our path is laced
with golden bricks
And it's beautiful
And permanent.
I've never felt such permanence.
Stability.
And light.
All the things they tell you
Are boring
And sexless
And dull.
Those stupid twenty-something fools
Don't know what they're missing.
They think there will always be a you
They don't know that you're hard to come by
Rare
And beautiful.
Those girls will always love a shadow
A spectrum, waltzing away
Those empty men, a dime a dozen
And they always think
They'll fix them
and make them stay
I once was them
But then there was you.
Who watches old reality tv
With me
And doesn't mind
My color commentary
Who laughs
When I get carried away in a bit
And comes along for the ride
When I weave a tale.
I've been down bitter alleyways
Fought wars no one should fight
I've loved the spectrums
While hating myself
I've made every descent
Into darkness
And then there was you.
And everything was light.
When You Grow Up...
When you grow up
You can be anything you want.
A simple lie.
Perhaps, even cruel.
But necessary.
Because the very soul
of our existence
Belongs to what comes after.
Our children must believe
That the world is wide
And full of wonder.
It's often not.
As they find out with age.
The world can be cruel
And hard work does not always pay off.
But tell that to a child
The truth
And they will never wonder
They will cease to create
To dream and to build.
And the world will fall away.
The marvelous dreams of childhood
Mold into something new
Something tangible and real.
It's not the same wonder
And it's not without sacrifice.
But it only exists
Because our parents once said
When you grow up
You can be anything you want.
What Lies in the Void
what becomes
of the word unsaid?
where do they fall away to?
if matter is neither
created or destroyed
then what of words that matter?
that die away on tongues
important words
swallowed out of fear
or coercion
or even worse-politeness
they linger in the blackness
of the mind and soul
they leave a searing mark
upon the silenced.
unforgotten thoughts
turn bitter and cruel
hearts once gold with promise
imagine a dark ravine
full of everything
we meant to say
or would've said
or will say, once we find the time
all that empty promise
and defeat
and destruction.
such a place, i imagine
would rival even hell itself.
Neverland
They never warned me
that Neverland was an illusion
Built out of the clouds of a child's wonder.
He had an easy way
A simple laughter, an outstretched hand.
When we were young
I seemed so welcome
The world so warm.
But true fire cannot be built
on illusion.
You cannot create
A world out of clouds.
I longed to grow and build
a world together
A true world.
He could not.
He would not.
I had to abandon him in the end.
I could not stay
And become who I became.
And he could not go.
"I don't ever want to grow up!"
he declared.
His laughter light
His world unworried.
Just hold that happy thought, Peter
I lamented
as I left him forever.
lost sailor
please don't wash up on my shore
my heart's not haunted anymore
i threw those love songs to the sea
so don't you dare return to me
please don't anchor in my bay
darling, you could never stay
and i don't want to sink back in
those blue eyes i lost way back when
so please don't settle in my port
i have found a different sort
the kind of love that's evergreen
the kind not afraid to be seen
so please, enjoy the sea
you always longed so, to be free
but don't touch back to land
you made your choice.
i'll make my stand.
i'm not standing on the dock
with your picture in a locket
i'm not waiting on that shore
for a lost sailor anymore
so please don't step onto my sand
as if you'll ever understand
you broke me into fragments, dear
he picked them up and held them near
so i will settle in his bed
and wash you clean out of my head
enjoy the view at sea, my dear
as i enjoy mine laying here
Empty Boxes
You STRING your words together
The WARM melted BUTTER of your VOICE
Drew me in.
You were older.
I was too YOUNG.
A naïve CLOWN who still believed
in love at first sight
You weren't SHOPPING
for permanent
I was no PRIZE
You made sure to remind me
My SKY was bright blue
Before your tables turned
Those storm clouds
Over us.
I melted like soft CHEESE
At the lilt of your LAUGH
A mouse CAUGHT in your trap
You shouldn't look a GIFT HORSE
in the mouth.
I got greedy.
I was too needy.
You didn't need me.
Were we even TOGETHER?
I was AFRAID
You were my first
I spent so much time
Trying to BUILD
Castles in your wasteland
But when things got too HEAVY
The THICK, thinning out
You left me
With just empty BOXES.
Love Songs
You're my inspiration
You're my best friend.
You take my breath away.
I will always love you
I'll be your crying shoulder
All of me loves all of you
I don't want to miss a thing.
I used to think these songs were cheesy
Trite and sentimental.
And then I fell in love.
Why Stay
Warm breath of lingering whiskey
Not sure when you swept in.
You woke me up as you fell asleep.
Your midnights are always spent
Somewhere else. With someone else.
You're always ripe with wanting.
Why do you stay?
I've marked the exits
I've made the plan
I've packed the bags, just in case.
I wait.
I'm always in a state of waiting.
Why do I stay?
I hate this. I hate us.
This awful routine we became.
I should want to leave.
But I always remember
That first vibrant summer
Dancing to God Only Knows
I'll always love that version of you
We haven't been that for a while
But I hold on to the hope
That we'll find our way back
That you'll smile
Like I was your world.
In the silence of the twilight
I think of the fight we should have
I think of the words I should say
I carefully arrange sentences.
But I say nothing.
You sleep and say nothing
And we continue as we were.
I don't know why you stay
You'll never say
I don't know why I stay
I'll never say.