people always explained heartbreak

to be exactly as the term describes

that you're broken

and falling apart

yet this isn't true

my heart isn't broken

just bruised

and throbbing

and with every painful pump

you're still in my veins

i don't break when i think of you

my life doesn't shatter

my happiness doesn't disappear

but nonetheless,

my heart constantly aches

only for you

you think you know yourself

you have your routines

your habits

your likes and dislikes

and then one day

you wake up

on the opposite side of the bed

we were laying in white

white sheets

white mattress

white skin

passing a cigarette between us

and despite the smoke

your apartment smelled like dead roses

and i felt like a fallen petal

i realize that the cigarettes will kill me

but maybe one day so will you

you're a murderer

in a lover's disguise

you're that much more dangerous

you could rip my heart out

and i would help you

i'm not suicidal

just a hopeless romantic

but perhaps

that's the same thing

everything was perfect

there was me and you

together at last

it was bliss

it was pure ecstasy

it was the happiest i had ever been

but alas, all good things 

come to an end

and so did we

so now it is me

and you, torn apart

by the hurricane that is life

i don't think i miss you

but i do miss

the idea of you and

the way you, like an artist

painted happiness 

throughout my life

in that short period of time

you gave me hope

and i miss that

and maybe you, too

you can not force

someone to be

the person you need them to be

you have to learn

to be okay with this

that there are other people

in the world

to satisfy this thirst

some people are not meant

to feel everything

and although this isn't you,

you can't blame others

for misunderstanding your sadness

some people merely sit

on the flatline of human emotion

they do not rise higher

or lower

but remain

on the same level

the look of your eyes in the morning, still glossy with sleep and the memory of last night's dreams

the way you knew exactly what i was thinking at all times, yet your truest thoughts remained an enigma to me

the soft touch of your fingertips as they trailed precariously down from my cheek to my throat to my rib to my hip

the sound of your piano keys plucking so beautifully in the middle of the night when sleep could not reach you

the heat from your body on the other side of the bed, approaching me, warmer and warmer, until you held me tight to your chest

the smell of your cologne that would linger on my sheets for days until i had no choice but to wash them

the feeling the jazz music you played left in my heart after the record ended, as if it were buzzing and more alive than ever

the pinch of your toes stepping on mine as we would clumsily attempt to waltz and spin and twirl around my living room

the comfort of your hand sliding over mine at the dinner table when you simply missed the feeling of my skin on yours

the moment right before our lips would meet, when you would look at me with love and lust and fear and passion

these are the things i can't forget, they are ingrained in my mind. i hope they stay there forever, for it is not my memories of you that haunt me, but the ones i have forgotten.

nothing happened

and while that saddens me

deep down i'm truly grateful

because without any real closure

no happy ending, nor sad

i think that maybe

i'll always be a little bit in love with you

you'll stay in my heart forever

as something that could have happened

something that we could have been

but weren't

so forever you will remain

encased in the purity 

of my adolescent love

I fell asleep with a book in my hand and your fingerprints on my heart

I thought that loving you would make me feel something again

Something beautiful and fulfilling that would take away the pain

And though I may not be quite as sad, I am lonelier than ever

I fell asleep to the words of Fitzgerald but they should have come from you

There is something about the way your lips form my name that breaks me

I think of you and I dream of you yet by myself I remain

I am no longer sure if love is worth the rollercoaster of emotions it entails