I smoked a cigarette this morning.

I sat outside this morning and had a cigarette. I stared off the porch at all the clean white dust that lay peacefully on the ground, untouched by anything. Clean, solid, perfect. I took a drag and let it fill my lungs. Life, hurts. Everyone says, "its gets better", they say that it stops being so painful and that things work themselves out. I am one of those people, i always tell the people i love that things get better and it wont hurt as much one day. Its a lie though, and i know it and i think they know it too. I want to give them hope for a better future for themselves though, so i keep lying. It never really does  get any better. It gets good for a while and things feel okay but then you turn your head fast and as soon as you look back everything in front of you is different again. Everything is a mess. This life is made up of chaos and turmoil that fills us up to the brim, leaving no room left for anything else. We are all tired, we sleep till noon to make the days pass more quickly, were all medicated, addicted to prescriptions or self medicated addicts. We look for anything to fix the problems that lie beneath our skin. That reside deep inside our brains. Even when were high on drugs it doesn't stop,  the world is spinning so fast and we cant catch our breathe. Time passes by everyday and each day we get older, closer to our own demise. There are twenty four hours in a day, and everyday when i wake up it feels like i'm re living the same day over and over, the same time sequences pass and pass and never change. They never change but each day those times on the clock strike and im getting older and the weeks, months, years are just going past me and i'm stuck. Quicksand has been my biggest enemy. I'm constantly sinking. One day im afraid i will sink so low and the sand will swallow me whole and i will fall into oblivion, like i never existed at all. Im afraid i wont find the rope to pull myself out with. Today, i sat outside and smoked a cigarette, and i let it fill my lungs and i realized, being alive means to be in pain.